As promised, I am here to share the Antidotes to John Gottman’s Four Horsemen! My colleague, Zully Schultz, mentioned last month in her article Couples Communication: The Four Horsemen , “…it’s normal and common for these interactions to exist within a relationship…” and “Nevertheless, those couples who thrive in marriage are the ones who practice the Antidotes most often.”
Miscommunication can lead to conflict within a relationship which is extremely normal and practically unavoidable. Conflict can even, at times, promote growth and understanding between couples. To effectively manage conflict, the couple must first identify the Four Horsemen that is occurring in their communication, then they must counteract with the antidote.
The Four Horsemen/The Antidote
Criticism/Gentle Start-Up
As Zully stated in her article, couples need to differentiate between a criticism vs a compliant. As the criticism attacks the person, the complaint addresses the specific behavior. “I” statements are the best way to initiate a gentle start-up. An “I” statement should refrain from having the word “you” as that can put the partner in a one-down position. Instead, you should express your feelings while focusing on the specific behavior. For example, “I feel unheard when promises are not fulfilled. I would really appreciate more follow through.” This can help generate more empathy from the partner.
Defensiveness/Taking Responsibility
This antidote is the result of two of The Four Horsemen. Defensiveness is typically a direct result of criticism. When one becomes defensive, they redirect the finger they feel is pointing at them by turning it back around onto their partner. This can then become an unhealthy cycle of defensiveness and criticism unless someone initiates change by taking responsibility for at least some of the problem.
Contempt/Build Culture of Appreciation
Contempt brings nothing good to a relationship and should be avoided at all costs. The antidote to contempt is to build a culture of appreciation and respect towards each other, as well as the relationship. As a couple’s therapist, I strongly encourage all of my couples to have a nightly check-in with one another where they take 10-15 minutes a night to express things that they love and appreciate about their partner and how their partner was able to fill their love tank that day. John Gottman also has a 5:1 ratio where there should be at least 5 positive interactions for every one negative interaction.
Stonewalling/Physiological Self-Soothing
Have you ever been in an argument with your partner and the emotions you are feeling are so overwhelming that you can no longer say or do anything? Do you ever find your heart rate increasing during those arguments? Timeouts are a great way to promote self-soothing while in the middle of an argument. The timeout should last a minimum of twenty minutes as that is how long it takes our bodies to physically calm down. During these timeouts it does not matter really what you are doing, as long as you are not focusing on the argument and what was said or what you should have replied with. Once calm, return to the discussion in order to find the needed resolutions while focusing on implementing the other antidotes.
To truly have a happy and healthy relationship each partner needs to be committed to paying attention to the horsemen that may be creeping into their relationship and kick them out with these proven antidotes. If you and your partner find yourselves struggling to implement these tools into your daily lives, feel free to contact us!