FINDING SERENITY THIS HOLIDAY SEASON

How can we improve our mental health and reduce anxiety during the Holidays?

Before we dive into the topic, get comfortable and take a deep breath for 4 counts, hold it for 4 counts, and release the breath and any negative energy you feel for a count of 6.  Repeat this simple box breathing exercise slowly 4 to 6 times in a row to manage stress and anxiety, lower your heartrate, and improve your focus, concentration and state of mind.  You can practice box breathing anytime you have a quiet space and five minutes during the holidays to set your positive intentions and relax.

Why Does My Anxiety Increase During the Holidays?

Top 10 Stressors Include:

1.  Financial pressure and concerns – buying gifts, outfits, food, decorations, travel, holiday shows and buying tickets, and the cost of throwing parties and hosting holiday events

2.  Anxiety over decision-making – for example, choosing gifts, who to invite to Thanksgiving or holiday gatherings, and who not to invite in certain cases

3. Feeling rushed and overscheduled

4. Family dynamics extending to our family of origin and distant relatives we see less often

5. Overwhelming commercialism and holiday hype everywhere we turn

6. Isolation and lack of emotional support can lead to feeling depressed and emotionally dysregulation

7. Food – buying it, cooking it, and overeating as a coping mechanism

8. Social Media related anxiety – comparing to others on SM and what they are buying and doing during the Holidays can trigger thoughts like “their family looks perfect”, “I am not good enough”, “I wish I could afford to buy a car for my wife like they can”, for example

9. Other shoppers, huge crowds, and traffic on busy shopping days like Black Friday 

10. Recent situational holiday stressors include lingering health and safety issues initiated by COVID or other illnesses, large family gatherings, and the possibility of political discussions or disagreements with friends and family members this year in 2024

COPING STRATEGIES TO REDUCE STRESS, ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION

• Simple Earth Grounding – INSTRUCTIONS 

Lie flat on the floor and consider the ground beneath you. This can be done inside or outside in the shade or sun. Conceptualize how the ground is holding you up and think, “the Earth is always there for me”.  The heaviness you feel is gravity, pulling you and holding you to the Earth.  Focus and sense the back of your lungs and let yourself draw breaths from the back of your lungs closest to the ground.  Imagine the Earth is meeting you right where you are and allow the Earth to breath with you.  Imagine the Earth is a giant lung breathing into your lungs and rejuvenating you.  The Earth is kind, gentle, and taking her time to breath with you and into you.  Note how you slow down, how your breath expands, and how your belly softens.  Note how your mind slows down and how grounded and connected to the Earth you are feeling.  Notice your sense of well-being has returned (Mischke-Reeds, 2018). 

*This exercise can be located in the Somatic Psychotherapy Toolbox, written by Manuela Mischke-Reeds, MA, LMFT and purchased online through Amazon or other retailers. (https://www.amazon.com/s?k=somatic+psychotherapy+toolbox&hvadid=598656745912&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9027255&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=4003203966055240108&hvtargid=kwd-483023752693&hydadcr=15529_13558536&tag=googhydr-20&ref=pd_sl_18d117kex8_e). 

• Taking care of yourself is essential during the Holiday Season.  Here are a few self-care techniques:

1.  Avoid overscheduling yourself – saying “no” to certain events or activities during the Holiday is essential self-care.  Do not feel guilty for creating space for a break when you need it.

2. Add self-care to your calendar and follow-through including physical exercise, meditation breaks, and taking a walk with a friend.

3. Use affirmative thoughts when feeling anxious or stressed such as “Let it go.”  “I am whole, relaxed, and free of worry.”  

If you are spiritually inclined, an affirmative thought might be, “I release this anxiety and stress to God or to my Higher Power.”

1. If a wave of depression or anxiety is coming your way, journaling your feelings or writing out a gratitude list daily can help process your emotions and remind you of what you are thankful for during the Holiday Season.

2. Avoid isolating and talk to a professional counselor or therapist including but not limited to an LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist) or an LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor).  

WE ARE HERE TO HELP AT RECONNECTING RELATIONSHIPS THERAPY

Kandace Williamson, LMFT Associate – Supervised by Ryan Lloyd, Ph.D.

I hope you found this blog helpful in your journey towards healing.  If you are experiencing trauma, anxiety, depression, or fear surrounding the holidays, therapy in Fort Worth may be beneficial for you.  And, if you are seeking couples counseling, individual therapy, teen therapy, or family therapy, Reconnecting Relationships Therapy can help!  Please feel free to visit our website and research my profile and our other therapist’s profiles to learn more and find the right fit for you and your needs.  Making an appointment online is simple and our website is easy to navigate and will guide you through the steps.  Take care. 

Attachment Styles and Relationship Success

According to attachment theory, there are three primary dimensions that characterize our attachment styles and patterns.

1. Closeness: How comfortable we are being emotionally close and intimate with others. 

2. Dependence/avoidance: How comfortable we are depending on others and having others depend on us. 

3. Anxiety: How often do we worry our partners will abandon and/or reject us. 

Attachment theory studies patterns in our friendships, bonds between parent and child, and romantic relationships. Our attachment style is developed during childhood with our caregivers and influences the way we connect to others in future relationships. 

People who experience higher attachment-related anxiety are more often concerned with if others really love them and often fear rejection. Meanwhile, other people experience higher attachment-related avoidance. These people are less comfortable depending on and being vulnerable to others.

Attachment Styles

Media in pop culture has sold the idea that relationships should be created on sentimentality and romantic gestures of love. These fairy tales have contributed to unreasonable expectations of love and partnership, sometimes even glorifying unrealistic attachments in our romantic relationships. Although entertaining, these depictions of love are unrealistic and often trap us in expectations so high that we push others away without meaning to. Romantic relationships are particularly vulnerable to such strains. However, real-life relationships can be repaired, and secure attachments can be created. 

We often show more behaviors related to a specific attachment style. However, we may exhibit some patterns from all the attachment styles. Our attachment patterns may also differ depending on the type of relationship (friend, parent, child, romantic partner), as well as the other person’s attachment style. Below you will see common characteristics of the different attachment styles. 

Anxious Attachment Style: Low avoidance, high anxiety.

• More often insecure in intimate relationships; frequently concerned with rejection and/or abandonment.

• May ruminate on unresolved past issues from family-of-origin; this may intrude into current perceptions of relationships. 

• Can be overly sensitive to partner’s actions and moods; may take partner’s behavior personally. 

• Can be argumentative, critical, or combative; often unaware of personal responsibility in relationships and blames others.  

Avoidant Attachment Style: High avoidance, low anxiety. 

• Typically uncomfortable with closeness and values independence.

• May not be worried about partner’s availability.

• Communication can be intellectual; may not be comfortable voicing emotions.

• Often avoids conflict.

Secure Attachment Style: Low avoidance, low anxiety. 

• Comfortable with intimacy and are not often worried about being rejected by their partner. 

• Depends on their partner and allows their partner to depend on them; is available and responsive in times of need. 

• Accepts partner’s need for separateness without feelings threatened or rejected.

• Regulates emotions well and communicates emotions honestly.  

Attachment Styles and Adult Relationships 

Attachment patterns are often passed down from one generation to the next as children learn from parents and caregivers how to connect to others. Our attachment history plays an important role in how we relate in adult romantic relationships, as well as how we relate to our own children. Our attachment styles impact our intimate relationships in several significant ways:

• How we perceive and handle closeness and emotional intimacy.

• Our ability to communicate emotions and needs, as well as how we listen to and understand the emotions and needs of our partner.

• How we respond to conflict.

• Our expectations for our partner and the relationship. 

To seek secure connection in relationships, partners in distress can become stuck in failed attempts to regulate attachment-related insecurities by using anxiety and/or avoidant strategies. Unfortunately, these strategies often ironically reinforce attachment-related insecurity. When our own attachment-related insecurities collide with our partner’s insecurities, we get caught in negative cycles of interacting. 

Creating Secure Attachment with Your Partner

Studies have found connections between attachment styles and romantic relationship satisfaction. People with secure attachment in romantic relationships are more likely to view their partner as being responsive to their needs, which influences satisfaction, investment, and commitment in romantic relationships. Therefore, secure attachment can help strengthen commitment between partners and support feelings of satisfaction in intimate relationships.  

Secure attachment is foundational in fulfilling and meaningful relationships. It promotes trust, emotional connection, and safety with our partner. Developing secure attachment with our partner not only benefits the relationship, but also improves our own sense of self and personal well-being. 

Here are a few ways you can start to move towards secure attachment with your partner and create more meaningful connections with others: 

• Self-Awareness: Start by understanding your attachment style patterns in important relationships. Take time to explore your emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in your relationships. Reflect on your own attachment patterns and identify any insecurities. Through self-awareness, you can better understand your needs, preferences, and emotions.

• Improve Emotional Regulation: Learn to recognize, acknowledge, and regulate your emotions in constructive ways. Practice self-soothing during conflict and at times your insecurities arise. Emotional regulation allows you to bring safety to your relationships. 

• Open Communication: Express your needs, desires, and concerns with respect and honesty. Listen to your partner to understand their perspective with empathy and curiosity. Allow your partner to express their feelings without judgement or criticism.

• Be Emotionally Available: This means being attuned to the emotions and needs of your partner. Offer support and validation when your partner shares vulnerabilities with you. Being emotionally available builds trust with your partner. 

Therapy Services | Fort Worth, Texas

Amy Coryell, LMFT-Associate, Supervised by Tanya Alexander, LMFT-S

If you are interested in further exploring attachment styles and creating secure attachments in your relationships with a Fort Worth therapist, you can schedule a free consultation with me through the link below or email me at amy@reconnectingrelationships.com

Reconnecting: The Mother and Daughter Bond

“When women are heard, mothers and daughters are able to listen to each other”

— Rosjke Hasseldine

Family Therapy in Fort Worth | The Mother and Daughter Bond

During a conference I attended, it came to my attention that there is something unique about the mother-daughter relationship. In my years of practicing as a therapist in Fort Worth, I have had opportunities to see both mother and daughter in my office, and I noticed that they often struggled to connect. I had never realized that there was something deeper and special about how mothers and daughters relate to each other.

Changes in Womanhood

Expectations and roles used to be unchanging for women until in the last few years. In past generations we have seen the transition from women being stay at home mothers to entering the workfield. Women now have more educational and professional opportunities which has allowed them to take different paths than in previous generations. Women now consider not marrying or not having children which is completely opposite and not viewed as traditional. Nonetheless, these changes are difficult to accept or understand for many, especially women who did not experience these new options. Take a moment to reflect on a moment in which you shared a different belief or perspective to your mother or even grandmother. Or also think about a time where you craved emotional connection from your mother during a difficult time. How did they respond? Were they able to support you or try to understand you? Or has there been conflict due to your differing perspectives or your need for validation and empathy?

Mothers and Daughters | Therapy in Fort Worth, TX

You might be wondering what a session with a mother and daughter would look like or what topics would be addressed. According to the therapist Rosjke Hasseldine, expert on the mother daughter relationship and author of “The Mother-Daughter Puzzle”, she believes that we should look into our past generations and patterns of how women are treated in our families. Our families influence our beliefs and how we perceive the world. Discovering destructive generational patterns is also an important piece to understanding how mother’s and daughters relate to each other.

Exploring how men in our families have treated our mothers or grandmothers is not to shame or blame. Nevertheless, we want to understand how those behaviors have impacted what it means to be a woman. This helps us understand how women in our families perceive having their needs met or expressing their emotions. From doing this inner work, we can discover if there has been a history of neglected needs or people pleasing. Some female clients have discovered that their mother’s depend emotionally on them, which continues the pattern of daughters having to fill the emotional void for their mothers and having to be selfless. Jealousy in mother and daughter relationships can also be a factor to explore. A good example of how jealousy can play a role in these relationships can be if a mother is desiring the same opportunities that her daughter now has. A mother might struggle in celebrating the accomplishments of her daughter that she would have wanted for herself. On other occasions it might be difficult to accept that daughters have taken a different path than what is expected of women in their families based not only on family expectations but also culturally. These situations can cause mothers and daughters to drift apart and remain stuck in conflict. Our Fort Worth therapists can help you work through these situations.

Therapy in Fort Worth for our future mothers and daughters

Moving forward, we want to forge a path for our future daughters and mothers in which they can listen to each other and connect. It is our responsibility to look into our history and how we can work on changing destructive generational patterns. We want for mothers and daughters to be able to understand and uplift each other. That mothers and daughters support each other in accomplishing their desires and to take care of their needs. If you are a mother to a daughter what would you have wanted from your mother that you now want to be for your daughter? If you are a daughter, what unhealthy themes would you like to change? If you are interested in learning more about healing the mother and daughter relationship feel free to schedule a free 15 minute consultation or to set up a session. You can also reach me at my email lilian@reconnectingrelationships.com

Let’s make a change! - Lilian

The Misconception: LMFTs only work with Couples and Families

LMFTs | Therapy in Fort Worth, TX

A common myth that we often see in our Fort Worth therapy practice is that we, LMFTs, (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists), only work with couples or families.  I can understand the confusion, since it’s stated right there in our title!  However, we DO see individuals.  And personally, I love it! 

Some clients are not always seeking relationship help but instead want to solely focus on a concern related to depression, anxiety, addiction, self-esteem, etc.  These are all areas that LMFTs can do good work in.  MFTs are all different.  They can specialize in different areas, work with a diverse population, and use a variety of approaches to conduct therapy. 

At the same time, while these topics may seem individual, as LMFTs we are trained to make connections in a social or relational context.  We make note that the issues an individual struggles with can affect how they relate with others and how others relate to them.  This can be useful in therapy to help nurture personal growth and expand on the client’s skillset. 

Therapists in Fort Worth, TX - The MFT Perspective

Our most unique attribute as a marriage and family therapist is the way we look at problems.  We are trained to look at situations with a systemic perspective.  We consider the environment the individual has experienced.  And we keep in mind, how our individual client also affects others. 

And boy, do we like exploring circular patterns!  We challenge the typical linear way of examining an issue so there is a more well-rounded overview of how the problem presents itself.  Most issues are cyclical so identifying old patterns is paramount in forming new, healthy, and effective patterns.

Couples Therapy as an Individual

There have been plenty of times when I have spoken to a potential client and they share with me that they don’t believe their partner is willing to attend couples therapy.  I can hear their frustration and disappointment in their voice.  They worry that if their partner is unable or unwilling to attend, then what other option is there?  How else can their relationship improve?  They feel stuck believing change can only occur if they can get their partner to attend couple’s therapy. 

However, change can still occur.  An individual can enter into therapy to address the issues they are experiencing in their relationship.  They can receive support while also gaining tools to improve how they communicate and respond to issues with their partner. 

Want to Learn More about family therapy in Fort worth?

If you are seeking couples or family therapy in Fort Worth, then a marriage and family therapist makes sense.  But if you’re looking for individual therapy, well we can do that too! Please feel free to browse through our therapist profiles to learn more about each one of our unique Fort Worth therapists!

Relationship Growth: How Vulnerability Can Help Us

Growing Relationships | Therapy in Fort Worth, TX

What is Vulnerability?

Vulnerability in relationships means sharing the most honest and authentic parts of ourselves that we fear will result in our rejection. The possibility of rejection can leave us feeling like our entire being is in danger when we engage with others in vulnerable ways. Nonetheless, vulnerability is a way to establish deep and meaningful connections in our most important relationships.

Vulnerability is influenced by our own unique culture, history, and sense of self. What feels vulnerable to one person may not feel vulnerable to someone else. To strengthen relationships, it’s not only crucial to practice vulnerability, but we must also attune to the vulnerability of others. When cues of vulnerability are missed, the relationship can be threatened.

Recognizing Vulnerability | Working With Your Therapist in Fort Worth Texas

We communicate vulnerability through both verbal and nonverbal cues. In other words, it’s not only about what we say, but how we say it. Does our voice shake? Do we tear up? Do we feel nervous? Others are more likely to recognize vulnerability when we show them behaviorally, acknowledging our willingness to be vulnerable in the moment.

When our verbal and nonverbal cues are not aligned, people are less likely to respond to our attempts at vulnerability. This is not because people don’t care, rather they likely did not sense what we shared needed caring and support. Emotions give others signals on how to respond to us, and when our actions and words align to accurately portray our emotions, we are more likely to receive the connection and support we need.

Examples of vulnerability

• Sharing your feelings or thoughts to a friend

• Physical affection

• Voicing your needs in a relationship

• Expressing how you’ve been hurt in the past

Vulnerability vs Oversharing

Although many people will appreciate our vulnerability, some people may not be as receptive. The risk of rejection is increased when we engage in oversharing. Vulnerability involves authentically sharing emotions, thoughts, and concerns in a deliberate way to promote trust, mutual understanding, and support.

Oversharing is often used as a defense mechanism. Instead of acknowledging our feelings, we may overshare to distance ourselves from our feelings or protect ourselves against insecurities. Oversharing is not vulnerability because we are more likely to overshare automatically to reduce our anxieties, while genuine vulnerability occurs intentionally, after we have determined we are safe with someone.

Vulnerability with the Right People

One of the best signs that someone is trustworthy is if they have previously responded well to your vulnerability. Since we know rejection is a real risk to vulnerability, it’s important to mitigate these risks as best we can. If we are feeling particularly vulnerable, we could start by talking with a friend we already trust and feel secure with. If we then go to a different friend whose trust has not yet been verified, it won’t hurt as badly if they don’t respond as we hoped. This also gives us an opportunity to figure out if this friend is someone we can trust with our vulnerability in the future. A therapist is also a great person to start practicing vulnerability with.

Barriers to Vulnerability

Although vulnerability is essential for relationships, real challenges to vulnerability do exist. Acknowledging which barriers impact you and others is necessary for vulnerability to create fulfilling relationships.

• Fear of Rejection: When our vulnerability is rejected, we further distance ourselves from vulnerability out of fear of future rejection. Fearing rejection may also be rooted in early experiences of childhood.

• Past Experiences: Past traumas, betrayals, or emotional abuse can make vulnerability especially difficult to practice, often as an attempt to protect from more painful experiences.

• Social and Cultural Expectations: Social norms, gender roles, and cultural expectations can discourage vulnerability and suppress emotional expression. Systemic traumas, such as violence, can also hinder expression of vulnerability.

How Vulnerability Can Help Us

People often believe vulnerability burdens relationships; however, this is not exactly true. People who self-disclose are generally better liked and viewed as genuine. Vulnerability not only promotes connection because we are perceived as more authentic; it also shows others that we trust them. Allowing others to influence and support us not only benefits us, but it improves their mental health, physical health, and adds meaning to our relationships.

Trusted relationships are built from vulnerability, and when we find ourselves unable to trust others, we risk further isolating ourselves into loneliness. Because relationships are crucial to our existence, navigating life without trust in others can result in depression and hopelessness. We may avoid vulnerability by projecting perfection as a barrier. When we deny ourselves the acceptance of our flaws and shortcomings, we think less of ourselves and develop poor self-perception. This further isolates us from others and prevents meaningful connections fundamental to life.

Vulnerability in Romantic Relationships

We naturally want to show the “best versions” of ourselves when we meet potential romantic partners. However, if we hope for an authentic connection, intimacy, and trust, we will have to share the more vulnerable parts of ourselves as well. When we prioritize perfection over authenticity, we create instability and distrust in our relationship.

Vulnerability promotes intimacy in romantic relationships by encouraging us to be more responsive to each other. Vulnerable self-disclosure also lays the foundation for emotional safety in a romantic relationship. This emotional safety allows us to be able to discuss more difficult topics with our romantic partners, further improving the relationship.

Vulnerability in Friendships

In childhood, friendships are some of our first relationships outside our families that allow us to practice vulnerability and feel accepted by others. As adults, we rely on our friends to provide a network of support and community.

When we avoid vulnerability in friendships, we don’t let our friends know how important they are to us, even if we care about them very much. People typically want to feel trusted and meaningful in the lives of people close to them. Successful relationships require a balance of give and take. Share more honestly and offer support when a friend shares with you.

Vulnerability at Work

Professional relationships come with specific challenges and unwritten rules. We often present a very different version of ourselves in our professional lives. Although professional boundaries do very much exist, vulnerability in the workplace can benefit many of our workplace relationships.

We are often socialized to believe our worth is contingent on being complicit, efficient, and near perfect in the professional sphere. Anything short can threaten the stability of our professional identity with replacement. Many of us are expected to bring our fullest selves to work, so what if we did?

Vulnerability can create mutually beneficial relationships between employees and direct supervisors. Without vulnerability, lapses in performance may be attributed to a lack of care, lack of knowledge, or not enough effort. When we do not disclose struggles or external pressures impacting our work, we are further solidifying the expectation of perfection and productivity.

Practicing Vulnerability

Remember, vulnerability can be transformative for many relationships when practiced deliberately. Here are a few places to start practicing vulnerability:

Self-awareness and Self-acceptance: Identifying and understanding your own emotions is the foundation to any successful relationship. When we are aware of our own feelings and thoughts, we are better able to emotionally regulate and participate in relationships.

• Open Communication: Communicating our thoughts and feelings authentically and respectfully promotes further trust and reduces misunderstandings in relationships.

• Empathy and Active Listening: Empathy and active listening allows us to connect with the emotional landscapes of others and strengthens trust. Conflict is also more successfully managed when using empathy and active listening.

• Flexible Boundaries: Creating personal boundaries and respecting the boundaries of others allows for feeling safe in a relationship. Boundaries recognize that vulnerability will be shared at a comfortable pace for both individuals.

If you are interested in further exploring vulnerability in your relationships, you can schedule a free consultation with me through the link below or email me at amy@reconnectingrelationships.com

Schedule with Amy

Amy’s Bio

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Understanding Dating in a Modern Era

The evolution of technology has allowed us to reach corners of the world that we could not imagine years ago. We are now able to connect with people from around the globe and create and maintain connections. This technology has also brought the era of dating apps and being able to find love without having to leave our homes. However, the idea of finding love through a dating app is still uncommon and may have many of us wondering how to navigate these new opportunities to find love.

Understanding Dating Apps

It has become more common for people to seek love through dating apps. Many of my clients from different age ranges have become more interested in using dating apps but have had many doubts and questions on how they work and what to expect. Society has become more accepting of this practice and opening up to the possibilities.

Some of the popular dating sites include Bumble, Hinge, or eHarmony. Each dating site has its different ways of connecting with people. For example, on Bumble the woman makes the first move on her matches. Try exploring dating apps and what their purpose is and what the majority of people on those sites seek. Also, keep in mind that some of these websites require extra memberships in order to use some of their features.

Today’s Societal Dating Norms on Online Dating

Exclusivity while online dating might not be as common due to people having the opportunity to connect and match with multiple people. I often hear clients feeling upset after they discover that their match might be seeing other people at the same time. Therefore, it might be important to understand that on online dating people are meeting with others simultaneously. What I encourage you to do is communicate clearly what you expect while dating and discuss boundaries and expectations about what each of you is looking for.

You may have heard of “ghosting” which is when a person simply disappears without communicating the reason. Oftentimes, ghosting can leave people wondering what they did wrong or struggle with the feelings of rejection. Remember that we are not in control of what others do and can only control our own actions. Focus on how you can continue to grow as you continue to meet new potential partners.

Commitment in Modern Dating

Everyone might have a different meaning of what commitment means and looks like. Some may believe that commitment is marriage, while others might believe that it is having a stable long term relationship. Regardless of the meaning you have, it is important for you and the other person to have honest discussions of your expectations and if it is time to take the relationship to the next level.

Are we ready to commit to each other? Consider these tips as you decide on taking the relationship to another level!

Curiosity

Prioritize getting to know each other and avoiding falling into assumptions. Often people come in with assumptions that get in the way of giving each other the opportunity to learn from each other. Try to be curious and explore what are each other’s interests, values, beliefs or dreams. Learning from each other can help you determine compatibility. Keep in mind that compatibility does not mean agreeing with each other but being able to accept and respect each other's view.

Transparency

Being honest and transparent can lead to increased intimacy and trust. It might not always be easy or comfortable to express your feelings or thoughts but it is helpful in building a strong foundation and connection.

Communication

In any relationship, communication is key and the foundation of a strong relationship. Healthy communication can look like validation, active listening and understanding the other person’s point of view. If in doubt, always be curious and ask the person more about what they are sharing to you.

It is always recommended to be aware of red flags and set boundaries when needed. Be careful about sharing inappropriate content as it can remain on the internet forever. Also, always try to meet your matches in a public space and let your family and friends know where you will be going in order to practice safety measures.

Therapy can also be a good way to help you discuss more about healthy relationship skills and how to navigate online dating. Our therapists in Fort Worth, TX can provide guidance on how to navigate online relationships and strengthen your confidence in seeking love online! If you are interested in further discussing dating issues with me feel free to book a session or schedule a free 15 minute consultation. You can also use the link below to learn more about me!

Lilian’s bio

Psychology Today

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Why We Fight and How to Talk About It

Relationship Therapy in Fort Worth, TX

Understanding relationship conflicts

We have all felt that feeling of deep confusion when a fight with our partner has once again landed us in the seemingly endless loop of arguing, and yet feeling like we are getting further from any sort of resolution. We find ourselves wondering how our partner keeps doing the thing that upsets us so much.

The laundry being left undone. Time at dinner spent scrolling on the phone. Past offenses left without repair. The tone of voice that implies so much more. The attacks that feel so personal, we are left feeling wounded and alone. In these all-too-familiar situations, our focus on the content of our fights often lead us stumbling into cycles of escalated and heated conflicts. We feel our body respond, our heart rates rising, and we eventually find ourselves completely drained with a feeling that the problem is beyond repair. How can we trust our relationships to be a source of support when these interactions leave us isolated and disconnected from each other? Have you ever felt the desire to be comforted by the very person who has somehow become the adversary? I know I have.

It’s probably not about the laundry

Maybe sometimes it’s about the laundry, however the content of our fights rarely communicates the deeper, unacknowledged issues we are fighting for. What we are fighting for and what we are fighting about are very different things. What we fight for are our needs, vulnerabilities, and feelings of worth. Because these things are more difficult to articulate, or maybe we don’t feel able to be vulnerable with our partner, we often blame the laundry.

When something profoundly impacts us, it is often because it echoes past experiences we’ve lived through. Our partner scrolling their phone at dinner pulls us back to a pattern we understand to be neglectful. When our partner makes time for others before us, it may trigger feelings of insecurity that we are not good enough, or that our partner doesn’t care. When these triggers build over time, we begin to view the actions of our partner through this narrow perspective. What difference would it make if we took a moment together to understand what we are fighting for?

3 common reasons for relationship conflict

Uncovering what motivates our fights to escalate gives us clarity and allows us to resolve conflict more effectively. Although there are many reasons fueling our relationship conflict, the following three often impact how we participate in our relationships.

Power and Control – Arguments about power and control may focus on how decisions are made in the relationship. Maybe decisions about parenting, how finances are managed, or what money is used to purchase. These arguments may also focus on who and when sex is initiated.

Care and Closeness – These fights often speak to how we support each other, or maybe how we communicate in the relationship. These fights are usually about feelings of rejection, abandonment, and trust.

Respect and Recognition – Fights related to respect and recognition center around receiving acknowledgement of our worth in our relationships. These arguments touch on our needs for praise over criticism—knowing that our partner knows we positively influence their lives and that we are enough.

How to talk about what really matters

There are usually many reasons behind any given fight with our partner, however, allowing these themes to be a framework for understanding our fights can dramatically shift the language we use during times of conflict and disagreement.

To get out of that loop of arguing about the same things, we must create new patterns through language to help us identify and share underlying meanings of our conflicts. Stepping out of the old way of fighting is a method of deconstructing the familiar dance of our fights and creating a new dance one movement at a time.

Fair fighting

When creating our new way of fighting, it can be helpful to first establish some “rules” during conflict. These guidelines for fighting can help establish a safe playing field for us to explore with our partner the important meanings of our arguments.

Ask yourself why you feel upset – Before bringing things up to your partner, first take a moment and ask yourself what you are feeling upset about. Are you angry about the dishes, or is it because you feel you are taking on more than your partner? Or is it because you feel your efforts go unnoticed?

One thing at a time – Stick with one topic at a time. Discussions starting about household chores and eventually turn into a laundry list of problems is more likely to become escalated.

Own your feelings – Use “I” statements when expressing how you feel (“I feel sad when my phone calls to you are ignored.” “I feel scared when you yell.”)

Discuss the issue, not the person – Problems in our relationships are more likely to be solved when we focus on the problem rather than our partner. Stay away from language that degrades your partner and criticisms that attack your partner’s character.

Listen to understand, not to respond – Listen to your partner when they speak without interrupting and try to understand their perspective, even if you disagree. This is not the time to craft your counterargument. Take turns speaking so you both have a chance to share your feelings. Setting a timer of 1-2 minutes can help with taking turns without interruption.

No yelling, no silent treatment – Although it’s easy to yell or refuse to respond, these methods typically result in escalated arguments. If the conversation is turning towards yelling or the silent treatment, consider taking a break.

Take a break – Go to bed angry! A lot of us have heard how we shouldn’t go to bed angry, but honestly, sleep might be exactly what you both need. Take a break when the conversation gets too heated. Agree on how long of a break to take or set a time to return to each other to continue the conversation.

These guidelines allow us to know what to expect when bringing up issues with our partner. This not only means we are less likely to ignore problems and let them fester away, but that we are also more likely to find resolutions and a deeper understanding of our relationships.

If you are interested in learning more about conflict resolution skills in your relationship, you can schedule a free consultation with me through the link below or via email at amy@reconnectingrelationships.com

Schedule with Amy

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Couples Therapy: What is Validation and Why is it so Hard to Practice?

Couples Therapy in Fort Worth, TX

Most recently, I shared with someone that a particular situation had been frustrating for me.  I was met with reasons not to be upset.  Did this make me feel better?  No. Of course not.  Is this person a bad person?  No. Of course not. 

We may go around invalidating people and not realize it.  How many times have you heard yourself tell someone, “Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll all be fine.”  We mean well but we’re really not expressing acceptance of that person’s concern or worry about a situation when we tell them everything will be alright.  Even if we absolutely know that everything will be okay it’s best to first acknowledge the emotion they are experiencing and make sure they feel heard before moving to problem solving. 

So, what is validation?

Simply speaking, it is communicating acceptance of someone’s feelings or emotions.  However, this doesn’t mean we agree with what they say or with the action they take in response to those feelings.  Also, validating can go beyond verbalizing, it can include facial expressions, body language, and tone.  Validation is an expression of openness to hearing and attempting to understand your partner’s experience in a situation. 

Expressing validation is one of the best and hardest skills to utilize in a couple’s relationship. When we validate, we are less likely to be confronted with defensiveness which can allow us to get to working through conflict more effectively.  When a partner feels confident that their emotions will be validated then there is no need to defend their position.  Partners are able to speak more honestly and openly about their perspective which helps build trust in relationships.  But how come it’s so hard to do this?

Reasons Why Couples Struggle to Validate

• Not sure how.  Perhaps, this was a skill not modeled in their family often enough. So, it is difficult to recognize when to validate and how to respond to their partner appropriately. 

• They don’t agree with their partner’s perspective.  Some couples believe that by validating their partner’s emotion it sends the message that they agree with the thought or behavior described by their partner.

• It feels like they are giving in or losing an argument.  Again, they feel they are communicating that they agree with the partner and therefore it means giving up their own stance on the issue.  Perhaps they feel they are now to blame or feel criticized for the outcome of an event or situation.  Our need to protect our ego can be strong. 

• They experience discomfort with their partner’s emotions.  It’s uncomfortable to see your loved one in distress and making the negative feeling go away is paramount in reestablishing homeostasis.  Some couples need help with emotion regulation to help them cope with negative feelings.    

• They don’t believe they are offered validation in the relationship. Some couples keep score of what they do and do not receive.  They have a hard time expressing vulnerability.  If they don’t feel they receive validation from their partner they feel less inclined to provide it.

 As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Fort Worth, TX, I come across this issue often.  This is one of the most misunderstood and challenging conflict resolution skills to utilize in romantic relationships.  It’s really about taking the time to listen to a partner’s point of view and be able to reflect the experience without getting triggered by a partner’s perspective.  However, it is so useful in various relationships - with friends, family members, coworkers, etc. But being able to provide validation is not always an easy task. It takes time to strengthen this skill so have patience with it and extend grace to your partner if they struggle with it.

Do you struggle to validate your partner?  Which one of these reasons apply to you?  If you need help with enhancing this skill, please feel free to reach out to one of our individual or couples therapists for assistance. 

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Premarital Counseling: Before You Say "I Do"

Relationship Counseling in Fort Worth, TX

Premarital Counseling

Congratulations, you are engaged! Now what? There are many decisions to be made after becoming engaged including choosing the venue, wedding dress, guest list, budget and more. However, during the process we often do not consider the transitions that we will experience as we go from dating to being married. Many people do not know there is premarital counseling or the benefits it provides. Take a moment to reflect on your relationship and future expectations. You may also want to take a moment to reflect if there are any areas in which conflict could arise after marriage.

Why is premarital counseling in Fort Worth important?

Sometimes we believe that after marriage our partner will change and the differences we have will disappear. Unfortunately, that is often not the case and it is called denial. Through my clients in Fort Worth I have been able to witness couples who are many years into their marriage and later come into therapy still having conflict over topics that could have been resolved during premarital counseling. Premarital counseling in Fort Worth is helpful in triple checking to see if your partner is the right one for you. It provides you the space to navigate the difficult but important conversations in which your partner and you are struggling to align and agree upon. Premarital counseling can help you understand each other’s worldviews and how you can come to an agreement and be on the same page on different topics such as finances, children, careers, or religion. It can also strengthen communication skills before marriage and provide tools to use when addressing issues in the future. The reality of marriage is having to talk about even the hardest topics and working towards finding a middle ground in which both individuals can thrive. Therefore, premarital counseling can be helpful in having less surprises in the future.

What to expect from premarital counseling in Fort Worth

It is recommended to do premarital counseling for at least 8 weeks, however, it depends on the couple’s needs. Some couples even decide to do premarital counseling before becoming engaged in order to give each other time to focus and explore issues without the stress of planning a wedding at the same time. It is normal to not know what to discuss in premarital counseling on your first visit, but the therapist will help guide you through the process. Some couples come prepared with goals and issues they want to focus on such as how to interact or navigate issues with family. Other couples want to use premarital counseling as preventative care and make sure they have discussed all important issues before the wedding. Couples can also use premarital counseling as a way to take a break from wedding planning and have time for themselves as a couple. Any of these reasons are a valid reason to come to premarital counseling.

As mentioned, you can expect to discuss topics about religion, culture, sex, interacting with family and friends, parenting, holidays and finances. Not having clear expectations about topics like these can lead to conflict within your marriage. Other important areas to explore are your personalities and how they impact the relationship. Do we both feel safe and confident in having difficult conversations and tolerating differences? How do we both react to conflict? Am I able to trust my partner? The reality of marriage is that you will face disagreements and will have to talk about those issues in order to reach common ground. It is important to know how to navigate and resolve issues within your marriage.

Is premarital counseling in Fort Worth right for you?

As you decide if premarital counseling is something for you, try to ask yourself these questions as you prepare to walk down the aisle to your special someone!

● What conflicts have you had and how did you resolve them? Did they get pushed under the rug or did they get resolved? What went well and how can you continue to improve? What are we not talking about?

● Do you want children and/or how many? How do you plan to raise and educate your children? What values do you want to instill in them? Is spirituality or faith important to you? Will you want your children to be raised in your spiritual traditions or faith?

● Are you compatible with views on money? What do you both think of debt? Do you plan to have separate or joint accounts?

● What are your boundaries with relationships outside of marriage such as with coworkers or friends?

● What are your expectations on intimacy and sex? How do you want your spouse to express affection and love to you?

If you feel more curious about premarital therapy and have further questions you can schedule a free consultation or email me at lilian@reconnectingrelationships.com.

Lilian’s Bio

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Debunking Myths About Affairs: Understanding the Realities of Infidelity

Relationship Therapy in Fort Worth Texas

Understanding Affairs

When it comes to relationships, few topics evoke as much fear and fascination as affairs. Somewhere between the flood of emotions and assumptions, myths often cloud our understanding of this complex issue. As a couple’s therapist, I’ve found numerous instances where understanding and debunking these myths have been crucial in guiding couples towards healing and reconciliation. Let’s talk about some common misconceptions about affairs and the truths behind them.

Myth #1: Affairs are solely motivated by dissatisfaction in the primary relationship.

Reality: While dissatisfaction can contribute to infidelity, affairs are often multilayered. According to research from the Gottman Institute, factors such as individual vulnerabilities, opportunities, and external stressors also play significant roles. Understanding these factors is crucial for addressing the underlying issues that motivated the affair and explore what areas need to be addressed in order to rebuild trust.

Myth #2: People who have affairs are unfaithful or immoral.

Reality: Human behavior is rarely black and white. Many individuals who engage in affairs are not naturally unfaithful but may find themselves in situations where boundaries became blurred. Research from the Gottman Institute suggests that nurturing open communication and strengthening emotional connections within relationships can decrease the risk of infidelity.

Myth #3: Affairs inevitably lead to the end of a relationship.

Reality: While affairs can strain relationships, they don’t always spell doom. In a study from Divorce Mediation Project, 80% of divorced men and women cited growing apart and a loss of closeness to their partner as the reason for divorce. With dedication, couples can overcome infidelity and build a stronger relationship. Since affairs can be such a painful experience, having professional help is essential in creating a safe space for both partner’s to explore their feelings, vulnerabilities, and needs without judgment.

Myth #4: Only unhappy or dysfunctional couples experience affairs.

Reality: Infidelity can occur in seemingly happy relationships too. Human emotions are complicated, so even individuals who seem happy can give in to temptation under certain circumstances. Recognizing the potential for vulnerability in any relationship and prioritizing preventive measures can help protect relationships.

Myth #5: Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Reality: While patterns of behavior can be difficult to break, individuals are capable of change. Key steps for someone who has betrayed their partner is their introspection, accountability, and willingness to address underlying issues to break destructive cycles.

By debunking these myths, my hope is that you will consider the complexities surrounding affairs. For those who have been cheated on, it’s crucial that your pain be acknowledged and validated, you need that to even consider to trust again. If you have cheated, don’t let that decision define you but use it as a springboard to the relationship you deserve.

I’m grateful to have witnessed the courage of my clients to address their affairs and commit in rebuilding their relationship on a foundation of honesty, trust, and mutual respect. At our practice, we strive to support individuals and couples dealing with infidelity. We remember to approach the topic with sensitivity, recognizing the profound impact it has on the lives of those involved. Through empathy and education, we can debunk myths, reduce stigma, and foster healing in the realm of couples therapy.

If you are interested in addressing complications stemming from infidelity in your relationship, you can schedule an appointment or free consultation with one of our couples therapists.

Affairs are painful. Relationship Therapy in Fort Worth can help.