Attachment Styles and Relationship Success

According to attachment theory, there are three primary dimensions that characterize our attachment styles and patterns.

1. Closeness: How comfortable we are being emotionally close and intimate with others. 

2. Dependence/avoidance: How comfortable we are depending on others and having others depend on us. 

3. Anxiety: How often do we worry our partners will abandon and/or reject us. 

Attachment theory studies patterns in our friendships, bonds between parent and child, and romantic relationships. Our attachment style is developed during childhood with our caregivers and influences the way we connect to others in future relationships. 

People who experience higher attachment-related anxiety are more often concerned with if others really love them and often fear rejection. Meanwhile, other people experience higher attachment-related avoidance. These people are less comfortable depending on and being vulnerable to others.

Attachment Styles

Media in pop culture has sold the idea that relationships should be created on sentimentality and romantic gestures of love. These fairy tales have contributed to unreasonable expectations of love and partnership, sometimes even glorifying unrealistic attachments in our romantic relationships. Although entertaining, these depictions of love are unrealistic and often trap us in expectations so high that we push others away without meaning to. Romantic relationships are particularly vulnerable to such strains. However, real-life relationships can be repaired, and secure attachments can be created. 

We often show more behaviors related to a specific attachment style. However, we may exhibit some patterns from all the attachment styles. Our attachment patterns may also differ depending on the type of relationship (friend, parent, child, romantic partner), as well as the other person’s attachment style. Below you will see common characteristics of the different attachment styles. 

Anxious Attachment Style: Low avoidance, high anxiety.

• More often insecure in intimate relationships; frequently concerned with rejection and/or abandonment.

• May ruminate on unresolved past issues from family-of-origin; this may intrude into current perceptions of relationships. 

• Can be overly sensitive to partner’s actions and moods; may take partner’s behavior personally. 

• Can be argumentative, critical, or combative; often unaware of personal responsibility in relationships and blames others.  

Avoidant Attachment Style: High avoidance, low anxiety. 

• Typically uncomfortable with closeness and values independence.

• May not be worried about partner’s availability.

• Communication can be intellectual; may not be comfortable voicing emotions.

• Often avoids conflict.

Secure Attachment Style: Low avoidance, low anxiety. 

• Comfortable with intimacy and are not often worried about being rejected by their partner. 

• Depends on their partner and allows their partner to depend on them; is available and responsive in times of need. 

• Accepts partner’s need for separateness without feelings threatened or rejected.

• Regulates emotions well and communicates emotions honestly.  

Attachment Styles and Adult Relationships 

Attachment patterns are often passed down from one generation to the next as children learn from parents and caregivers how to connect to others. Our attachment history plays an important role in how we relate in adult romantic relationships, as well as how we relate to our own children. Our attachment styles impact our intimate relationships in several significant ways:

• How we perceive and handle closeness and emotional intimacy.

• Our ability to communicate emotions and needs, as well as how we listen to and understand the emotions and needs of our partner.

• How we respond to conflict.

• Our expectations for our partner and the relationship. 

To seek secure connection in relationships, partners in distress can become stuck in failed attempts to regulate attachment-related insecurities by using anxiety and/or avoidant strategies. Unfortunately, these strategies often ironically reinforce attachment-related insecurity. When our own attachment-related insecurities collide with our partner’s insecurities, we get caught in negative cycles of interacting. 

Creating Secure Attachment with Your Partner

Studies have found connections between attachment styles and romantic relationship satisfaction. People with secure attachment in romantic relationships are more likely to view their partner as being responsive to their needs, which influences satisfaction, investment, and commitment in romantic relationships. Therefore, secure attachment can help strengthen commitment between partners and support feelings of satisfaction in intimate relationships.  

Secure attachment is foundational in fulfilling and meaningful relationships. It promotes trust, emotional connection, and safety with our partner. Developing secure attachment with our partner not only benefits the relationship, but also improves our own sense of self and personal well-being. 

Here are a few ways you can start to move towards secure attachment with your partner and create more meaningful connections with others: 

• Self-Awareness: Start by understanding your attachment style patterns in important relationships. Take time to explore your emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in your relationships. Reflect on your own attachment patterns and identify any insecurities. Through self-awareness, you can better understand your needs, preferences, and emotions.

• Improve Emotional Regulation: Learn to recognize, acknowledge, and regulate your emotions in constructive ways. Practice self-soothing during conflict and at times your insecurities arise. Emotional regulation allows you to bring safety to your relationships. 

• Open Communication: Express your needs, desires, and concerns with respect and honesty. Listen to your partner to understand their perspective with empathy and curiosity. Allow your partner to express their feelings without judgement or criticism.

• Be Emotionally Available: This means being attuned to the emotions and needs of your partner. Offer support and validation when your partner shares vulnerabilities with you. Being emotionally available builds trust with your partner. 

Therapy Services | Fort Worth, Texas

Amy Coryell, LMFT-Associate, Supervised by Tanya Alexander, LMFT-S

If you are interested in further exploring attachment styles and creating secure attachments in your relationships with a Fort Worth therapist, you can schedule a free consultation with me through the link below or email me at amy@reconnectingrelationships.com

Strengthening Relationships with Apologies

A meaningful apology can significantly impact how connected we feel in our relationships. When we initiate an apology, we invite the other person to meet us with open communication. By taking ownership for our actions and initiating repairs, we send a message that it’s not about winning the argument, rather that it’s about understanding each other and prioritizing the relationship as a whole.

So why does it feel so hard sometimes? Or worse, receiving an apology that somehow escalates things further and leaves us feeling even less understood. It’s easy to convince ourselves that apologizing means admitting defeat. By not apologizing, we protect our own self-concept and feeling of autonomy and control. Apologizing requires vulnerability, which can feel like a big ask during times of conflict. Yet, a good apology can be empowering. When we take accountability for our actions, we also gain a sense of agency by witnessing our ability to handle hardship and conflict in our relationships.

Timing of the Apology

Timing is crucial for a well-delivered apology. If an apology is given too quickly, it can be perceived as superficial and insincere. So, it’s not just about the words we use when we apologize, but how and when we deliver the apology that makes the biggest impact. Studies have shown that apologies were more effective when given later rather than too soon.

It can be tempting to jump straight to saying sorry to end conflict. However, when we apologize too soon, we may actually send the message that the other person’s experience is not important, and we would rather not discuss the concerns in the relationship. We risk coming off insincere or dismissive. The person receiving the apology may not feel understood. Delaying an apology allows time for the other person to voice their feelings and clarify their perspective.

Delivery of the Apology

A good apology includes accountability without blame, deflection, or making excuses. A sincere apology prioritizes the relationship over our personal interests. Even if we don’t regret what we’ve done, or maybe we don’t feel we are in the wrong, we can still apologize for the impact and experience of the other person.

Example: You don’t invite your friend to an event you are hosting. Your friend finds out they are not invited through other people and is upset.

You may have very good reasons not to invite this friend, and yet your friend is still hurt. A sincere apology would be careful not to use language like “I’m sorry if I made you feel upset.” This essentially communicates “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

We can acknowledge that our friend is upset and likely feels left out. Your friend may respond better to something like “I’m sorry I did not discuss this with you sooner and that you found out through other people. I understand that this probably made you feel left out and maybe even embarrassed.” A good apology includes:

• Awareness of what you did

• Accountability for your behavior

• Acknowledgement of how this impacts the other person

After the Apology

After we apologize, we can give the other person an opportunity to clarify or expand on their thoughts and feelings. This is a time for us to continue listening and make sure we understand the other person’s experience. When we are apologizing, it’s important that the person receiving the apology gets the entire floor before we move on to our own perspective (at which point, we will be given the entire floor). Once things have cooled down a bit, you can ask the other person if you could share your own perspective and feelings of the situation.

Although we have the power to make an apology, the person receiving it has the choice to forgive or not to forgive. This risk of rejection may also be a reason why we find it difficult to apologize at times. If the person receiving our apology does not accept it, we may need to give the person some more time. We can also take this time to reflect and see if we may have missed understanding the other person’s experience.

Ultimately, a well delivered apology has the potential to improve communication in our relationships. Sincere apologies give us an opening to better manage conflict and feel more connected with our loved ones. It may take a few tries to get it right, and that’s okay. There is nothing wrong with taking a step back from the conversation and coming back together after having time to reflect. Afterall, one of the most healing aspects of repairs in our relationships comes from seeing each other put in the effort and take the risk of vulnerability. Even if we don’t get things exactly right, each attempt at repairing things gives us practice for next time.

Therapy Sessions| Located in Fort Worth, Texas

If you are interested in exploring and making repairs in your relationships, you can schedule a free consultation with me through the link below or email me at amy@reconnectingrelationships.com

Amy Coryell, MS, LMFT-Associate,

Supervised by Tanya Alexander, LMFT-S

Schedule with our RRT Therapist, Amy Coryell, LMFT-Associate

Research referenced in the article comes from a podcast episode of Hidden Brain called Healing 2.0: The Power of Apologies. The episode discusses how apologies not only influence our personal relationships, but also collective relationships between groups of people.

Reconnecting: The Mother and Daughter Bond

“When women are heard, mothers and daughters are able to listen to each other”

— Rosjke Hasseldine

Family Therapy in Fort Worth | The Mother and Daughter Bond

During a conference I attended, it came to my attention that there is something unique about the mother-daughter relationship. In my years of practicing as a therapist in Fort Worth, I have had opportunities to see both mother and daughter in my office, and I noticed that they often struggled to connect. I had never realized that there was something deeper and special about how mothers and daughters relate to each other.

Changes in Womanhood

Expectations and roles used to be unchanging for women until in the last few years. In past generations we have seen the transition from women being stay at home mothers to entering the workfield. Women now have more educational and professional opportunities which has allowed them to take different paths than in previous generations. Women now consider not marrying or not having children which is completely opposite and not viewed as traditional. Nonetheless, these changes are difficult to accept or understand for many, especially women who did not experience these new options. Take a moment to reflect on a moment in which you shared a different belief or perspective to your mother or even grandmother. Or also think about a time where you craved emotional connection from your mother during a difficult time. How did they respond? Were they able to support you or try to understand you? Or has there been conflict due to your differing perspectives or your need for validation and empathy?

Mothers and Daughters | Therapy in Fort Worth, TX

You might be wondering what a session with a mother and daughter would look like or what topics would be addressed. According to the therapist Rosjke Hasseldine, expert on the mother daughter relationship and author of “The Mother-Daughter Puzzle”, she believes that we should look into our past generations and patterns of how women are treated in our families. Our families influence our beliefs and how we perceive the world. Discovering destructive generational patterns is also an important piece to understanding how mother’s and daughters relate to each other.

Exploring how men in our families have treated our mothers or grandmothers is not to shame or blame. Nevertheless, we want to understand how those behaviors have impacted what it means to be a woman. This helps us understand how women in our families perceive having their needs met or expressing their emotions. From doing this inner work, we can discover if there has been a history of neglected needs or people pleasing. Some female clients have discovered that their mother’s depend emotionally on them, which continues the pattern of daughters having to fill the emotional void for their mothers and having to be selfless. Jealousy in mother and daughter relationships can also be a factor to explore. A good example of how jealousy can play a role in these relationships can be if a mother is desiring the same opportunities that her daughter now has. A mother might struggle in celebrating the accomplishments of her daughter that she would have wanted for herself. On other occasions it might be difficult to accept that daughters have taken a different path than what is expected of women in their families based not only on family expectations but also culturally. These situations can cause mothers and daughters to drift apart and remain stuck in conflict. Our Fort Worth therapists can help you work through these situations.

Therapy in Fort Worth for our future mothers and daughters

Moving forward, we want to forge a path for our future daughters and mothers in which they can listen to each other and connect. It is our responsibility to look into our history and how we can work on changing destructive generational patterns. We want for mothers and daughters to be able to understand and uplift each other. That mothers and daughters support each other in accomplishing their desires and to take care of their needs. If you are a mother to a daughter what would you have wanted from your mother that you now want to be for your daughter? If you are a daughter, what unhealthy themes would you like to change? If you are interested in learning more about healing the mother and daughter relationship feel free to schedule a free 15 minute consultation or to set up a session. You can also reach me at my email lilian@reconnectingrelationships.com

Let’s make a change! - Lilian

Understanding Dating in a Modern Era

The evolution of technology has allowed us to reach corners of the world that we could not imagine years ago. We are now able to connect with people from around the globe and create and maintain connections. This technology has also brought the era of dating apps and being able to find love without having to leave our homes. However, the idea of finding love through a dating app is still uncommon and may have many of us wondering how to navigate these new opportunities to find love.

Understanding Dating Apps

It has become more common for people to seek love through dating apps. Many of my clients from different age ranges have become more interested in using dating apps but have had many doubts and questions on how they work and what to expect. Society has become more accepting of this practice and opening up to the possibilities.

Some of the popular dating sites include Bumble, Hinge, or eHarmony. Each dating site has its different ways of connecting with people. For example, on Bumble the woman makes the first move on her matches. Try exploring dating apps and what their purpose is and what the majority of people on those sites seek. Also, keep in mind that some of these websites require extra memberships in order to use some of their features.

Today’s Societal Dating Norms on Online Dating

Exclusivity while online dating might not be as common due to people having the opportunity to connect and match with multiple people. I often hear clients feeling upset after they discover that their match might be seeing other people at the same time. Therefore, it might be important to understand that on online dating people are meeting with others simultaneously. What I encourage you to do is communicate clearly what you expect while dating and discuss boundaries and expectations about what each of you is looking for.

You may have heard of “ghosting” which is when a person simply disappears without communicating the reason. Oftentimes, ghosting can leave people wondering what they did wrong or struggle with the feelings of rejection. Remember that we are not in control of what others do and can only control our own actions. Focus on how you can continue to grow as you continue to meet new potential partners.

Commitment in Modern Dating

Everyone might have a different meaning of what commitment means and looks like. Some may believe that commitment is marriage, while others might believe that it is having a stable long term relationship. Regardless of the meaning you have, it is important for you and the other person to have honest discussions of your expectations and if it is time to take the relationship to the next level.

Are we ready to commit to each other? Consider these tips as you decide on taking the relationship to another level!

Curiosity

Prioritize getting to know each other and avoiding falling into assumptions. Often people come in with assumptions that get in the way of giving each other the opportunity to learn from each other. Try to be curious and explore what are each other’s interests, values, beliefs or dreams. Learning from each other can help you determine compatibility. Keep in mind that compatibility does not mean agreeing with each other but being able to accept and respect each other's view.

Transparency

Being honest and transparent can lead to increased intimacy and trust. It might not always be easy or comfortable to express your feelings or thoughts but it is helpful in building a strong foundation and connection.

Communication

In any relationship, communication is key and the foundation of a strong relationship. Healthy communication can look like validation, active listening and understanding the other person’s point of view. If in doubt, always be curious and ask the person more about what they are sharing to you.

It is always recommended to be aware of red flags and set boundaries when needed. Be careful about sharing inappropriate content as it can remain on the internet forever. Also, always try to meet your matches in a public space and let your family and friends know where you will be going in order to practice safety measures.

Therapy can also be a good way to help you discuss more about healthy relationship skills and how to navigate online dating. Our therapists in Fort Worth, TX can provide guidance on how to navigate online relationships and strengthen your confidence in seeking love online! If you are interested in further discussing dating issues with me feel free to book a session or schedule a free 15 minute consultation. You can also use the link below to learn more about me!

Lilian’s bio

Psychology Today

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Couples Therapy: What is Validation and Why is it so Hard to Practice?

Couples Therapy in Fort Worth, TX

Most recently, I shared with someone that a particular situation had been frustrating for me.  I was met with reasons not to be upset.  Did this make me feel better?  No. Of course not.  Is this person a bad person?  No. Of course not. 

We may go around invalidating people and not realize it.  How many times have you heard yourself tell someone, “Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll all be fine.”  We mean well but we’re really not expressing acceptance of that person’s concern or worry about a situation when we tell them everything will be alright.  Even if we absolutely know that everything will be okay it’s best to first acknowledge the emotion they are experiencing and make sure they feel heard before moving to problem solving. 

So, what is validation?

Simply speaking, it is communicating acceptance of someone’s feelings or emotions.  However, this doesn’t mean we agree with what they say or with the action they take in response to those feelings.  Also, validating can go beyond verbalizing, it can include facial expressions, body language, and tone.  Validation is an expression of openness to hearing and attempting to understand your partner’s experience in a situation. 

Expressing validation is one of the best and hardest skills to utilize in a couple’s relationship. When we validate, we are less likely to be confronted with defensiveness which can allow us to get to working through conflict more effectively.  When a partner feels confident that their emotions will be validated then there is no need to defend their position.  Partners are able to speak more honestly and openly about their perspective which helps build trust in relationships.  But how come it’s so hard to do this?

Reasons Why Couples Struggle to Validate

• Not sure how.  Perhaps, this was a skill not modeled in their family often enough. So, it is difficult to recognize when to validate and how to respond to their partner appropriately. 

• They don’t agree with their partner’s perspective.  Some couples believe that by validating their partner’s emotion it sends the message that they agree with the thought or behavior described by their partner.

• It feels like they are giving in or losing an argument.  Again, they feel they are communicating that they agree with the partner and therefore it means giving up their own stance on the issue.  Perhaps they feel they are now to blame or feel criticized for the outcome of an event or situation.  Our need to protect our ego can be strong. 

• They experience discomfort with their partner’s emotions.  It’s uncomfortable to see your loved one in distress and making the negative feeling go away is paramount in reestablishing homeostasis.  Some couples need help with emotion regulation to help them cope with negative feelings.    

• They don’t believe they are offered validation in the relationship. Some couples keep score of what they do and do not receive.  They have a hard time expressing vulnerability.  If they don’t feel they receive validation from their partner they feel less inclined to provide it.

 As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Fort Worth, TX, I come across this issue often.  This is one of the most misunderstood and challenging conflict resolution skills to utilize in romantic relationships.  It’s really about taking the time to listen to a partner’s point of view and be able to reflect the experience without getting triggered by a partner’s perspective.  However, it is so useful in various relationships - with friends, family members, coworkers, etc. But being able to provide validation is not always an easy task. It takes time to strengthen this skill so have patience with it and extend grace to your partner if they struggle with it.

Do you struggle to validate your partner?  Which one of these reasons apply to you?  If you need help with enhancing this skill, please feel free to reach out to one of our individual or couples therapists for assistance. 

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Premarital Counseling: Before You Say "I Do"

Relationship Counseling in Fort Worth, TX

Premarital Counseling

Congratulations, you are engaged! Now what? There are many decisions to be made after becoming engaged including choosing the venue, wedding dress, guest list, budget and more. However, during the process we often do not consider the transitions that we will experience as we go from dating to being married. Many people do not know there is premarital counseling or the benefits it provides. Take a moment to reflect on your relationship and future expectations. You may also want to take a moment to reflect if there are any areas in which conflict could arise after marriage.

Why is premarital counseling in Fort Worth important?

Sometimes we believe that after marriage our partner will change and the differences we have will disappear. Unfortunately, that is often not the case and it is called denial. Through my clients in Fort Worth I have been able to witness couples who are many years into their marriage and later come into therapy still having conflict over topics that could have been resolved during premarital counseling. Premarital counseling in Fort Worth is helpful in triple checking to see if your partner is the right one for you. It provides you the space to navigate the difficult but important conversations in which your partner and you are struggling to align and agree upon. Premarital counseling can help you understand each other’s worldviews and how you can come to an agreement and be on the same page on different topics such as finances, children, careers, or religion. It can also strengthen communication skills before marriage and provide tools to use when addressing issues in the future. The reality of marriage is having to talk about even the hardest topics and working towards finding a middle ground in which both individuals can thrive. Therefore, premarital counseling can be helpful in having less surprises in the future.

What to expect from premarital counseling in Fort Worth

It is recommended to do premarital counseling for at least 8 weeks, however, it depends on the couple’s needs. Some couples even decide to do premarital counseling before becoming engaged in order to give each other time to focus and explore issues without the stress of planning a wedding at the same time. It is normal to not know what to discuss in premarital counseling on your first visit, but the therapist will help guide you through the process. Some couples come prepared with goals and issues they want to focus on such as how to interact or navigate issues with family. Other couples want to use premarital counseling as preventative care and make sure they have discussed all important issues before the wedding. Couples can also use premarital counseling as a way to take a break from wedding planning and have time for themselves as a couple. Any of these reasons are a valid reason to come to premarital counseling.

As mentioned, you can expect to discuss topics about religion, culture, sex, interacting with family and friends, parenting, holidays and finances. Not having clear expectations about topics like these can lead to conflict within your marriage. Other important areas to explore are your personalities and how they impact the relationship. Do we both feel safe and confident in having difficult conversations and tolerating differences? How do we both react to conflict? Am I able to trust my partner? The reality of marriage is that you will face disagreements and will have to talk about those issues in order to reach common ground. It is important to know how to navigate and resolve issues within your marriage.

Is premarital counseling in Fort Worth right for you?

As you decide if premarital counseling is something for you, try to ask yourself these questions as you prepare to walk down the aisle to your special someone!

● What conflicts have you had and how did you resolve them? Did they get pushed under the rug or did they get resolved? What went well and how can you continue to improve? What are we not talking about?

● Do you want children and/or how many? How do you plan to raise and educate your children? What values do you want to instill in them? Is spirituality or faith important to you? Will you want your children to be raised in your spiritual traditions or faith?

● Are you compatible with views on money? What do you both think of debt? Do you plan to have separate or joint accounts?

● What are your boundaries with relationships outside of marriage such as with coworkers or friends?

● What are your expectations on intimacy and sex? How do you want your spouse to express affection and love to you?

If you feel more curious about premarital therapy and have further questions you can schedule a free consultation or email me at lilian@reconnectingrelationships.com.

Lilian’s Bio

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Marriage is Hard Work

As my wedding anniversary nears, I can remember one particular response I received when sharing the news that I was getting married.  A lady that worked in the same building as me asked, “Are you sure?” She dipped her head back and rolled her eyes regretfully as she described how marriage is a ball and chain.  I understood she meant no malice but instead was offering me portentous advice based on her own experiences.  Looking back, I’m glad I didn’t take her seriously, but it certainly opened my eyes to how some people feel about marriage. 

This November marks 22 years with my husband.  In being together this length of time, we have had our share of ups and downs.  And one thing I know for sure is marriage is hard work!  But when you hear that marriage is hard work, because I’m sure you’ve heard this pretty often, what comes to mind? And just how difficult should you expect it to be? 

Hard work means so many things.  It means not taking your relationship for granted.  It means attuning to your partner intentionally.  It means taking your partner into consideration when making big decisions and maybe even the small ones.  It means letting him or her know how much you care and appreciate them.  It means trying over and over to understand each other.

Putting in the effort to your marriage can be so rewarding.  The best way I can describe it is like getting through a tough physical workout.  At first it feels a little daunting, then you’re right in the middle of it all and gaining momentum, and when it’s over you feel proud for getting to the other side of it.  Maybe you hurt a little but you know that you’ll be stronger because of it.  So essentially what I’m saying is the kind of hard work you put into a relationship should make you feel good. 

Each partner has to be an active participant in the marriage.  I read somewhere that in successful relationships a partner must be willing to put in 100% without the expectation to receive something back.  Sound crazy?  Just think about it.  No tit for tat.  No more he said, she said.  No need to keep count. Each of you share the responsibility for the relationship fairly.  But 50/50 is no such thing!  It’s all in!

Ready to give it a real shot? Call your local therapist today!

Couples Communication: The Four Horsemen

John Gottman, relationship guru and researcher, can predict with an astonishingly 91% accuracy rate if a marriage is headed toward divorce.  This was a surprising detail to learn in my couples training and it certainly influenced how I work with couples in counseling today. This man did 30 years of research to create and form the Gottman Method which is highly respected in the world of couples therapy. 

Today I will share one of the ways he predicts divorce using The Four Horsemen.  The Four Horsemen depict the communication styles that can be hurtful in a relationship if used too often.  I think it’s important to first understand if these types of interactions are coming into play in your relationship by being able to identify them.  Acknowledging and labeling a behavior for what it is can open your eyes to how it plays a role in the way you and your partner engage with each other. 

But don’t worry!  With each negative behavior that takes place in a relationship, there exists an Antidote to counter each Horseman.  Make sure to check back next month when our very own, Jenifer Costigan, will elaborate on those Antidotes! 

The Four Horsemen

Criticism

A partner often has the intention to bring a complaint to light but sometimes it comes out sounding hurtful or harsh.  It is good to differentiate between a criticism and a complaint.  A criticism is stating a problem but including an attack on a partner’s character trait.  So, it can sound something like, “I really wish you would use your brain before making plans with your friends.  You always do this!  I thought we were going to hang out.”  A complaint is more like, “I’m sad and disappointed that you made plans without me.  I really wish you would have checked with me first.” 

Defensiveness

This reaction is typically in response to criticism.  When someone feels attacked or criticized, they tend to want to protect themselves by providing reasons for why they said or did something.  However, this strategy often comes across as making excuses or deflecting from responsibility.  For instance, if a partner inquires about a chore left undone and the other partner responds with “Well you never do your chores when you say you will” or “I had more important things to do and if you want it done why don’t you do it yourself” those would be defensive statements.  Defensive remarks can often seem like the blame is shifted to the other partner. 

Contempt

This one is probably the most harmful of all.  Individuals who tend to express contempt to a partner have real negative thoughts and feelings about their partner.  Their verbal or nonverbal expressions communicate “I don’t like you very much, in fact, I despise you.”  Contempt is relayed through acts of sarcasm, ridiculing, mocking, and belittling.  Any action or verbal communication that displays disgust or position of superiority to a partner is considered contempt.  If partners are engaging in name calling and insult slinging, it’s a slippery slope toward a breakup or divorce. 

Stonewalling 

This behavior happens more often when a partner is feeling overwhelmed or hopeless in their relationship.  It is often seen in conjunction with criticism, defensiveness, and contempt.  An individual “checks out” as a way to disconnect from the stress of an argument.  Whether it is the intent or not, when a partner stonewalls it communicates lack of engagement or care for their partners position.  While an individual might perceive stonewalling to serve as a protective factor during conflict, it can slowly deteriorate trust and connection in a marriage. 

As a couple’s therapist, I see these styles of communication come into play between partners quite often.  Honestly, it is normal and common for these interactions to exist within a relationship, but how often are they showing up in yours?  Gottman strongly encourages a 5:1 ratio; this meaning that more often than not, we are choosing to engage with our partners in positive ways.

Nevertheless, those couples who thrive in marriage are the ones who practice the Antidotes most often.  The Antidotes are the true protective factors in a healthy relationship. So, tune back next month to learn about each Antidote so you can begin to focus on using those in your relationship!  And in the mean time, you can continue to reach out to us if you need couples counseling in the DFW area.

Where Do You Wish To Meet?

Illustration by Sophia Schultz

Counseling in Fort Worth Texas

Meeting you where you are:

Abraham Maslow was a humanistic psychologist who developed a theory describing what motivates individuals and how they move along the lines of getting their needs met.  His concept, Hierarchy of Needs, is most often depicted in a pyramid to delineate each level. 

The bottom level, the foundation, represents the most basic necessities for human survival while the highest level demonstrates transcendent desires.  As a person reaches their goals in one level, he or she is able to move on to the next level. 

If an individual has yet to satisfy the needs for food and shelter one can assume this person is less likely motivated to fulfill their needs in other levels.

The 5 Stage Model includes:   

1.    Physiological Needs -  food, shelter, water, clothing

2.    Safety & Security -  health, employment, stability, security of  body

3.    Love & Belonging -  friendships, family, intimacy, connection

4.    Self-Esteem -  confidence, respect from others, achievement

5.    Self-Actualization -  spontaneity, creativity, lack of prejudice, realizing personal potential

While the hierarchy is depicted in an upward trajectory, it is not uncommon for people to fluctuate from one level to the next.  When changes arise such as divorce, death, breakups, or loss of employment, individuals can find themselves moving back and forth through the hierarchy. 

When the needs to be loved, to feel safe, to feel confident become threatened, it is human nature to make attempts, even if ineffective, to gain or maintain them. This can result in relationship conflict, anxiety, and other misunderstood effects.

In our practice, clients come to us from all different levels.  We do our best to listen to where our clients have been, find out where they are, and discover where they wish to be.  On whichever level you find yourself, we will meet you there.   

Rebuilding Your Relationship When Dealing with Addiction by Paige Johnson

Addiction ruins things. It can ruin your health, it can ruin your bank account, and it can ruin your reputation. One of the things many people see ruined by addiction is their relationships. While dealing with an addiction, you may do things that erode trust between you and your partner; things like infidelity. In fact, in a 2014 article published in the Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs, almost half of the alcohol addicts surveyed had also gone through with a divorce at some point in their lives.

The sad truth is you may not be able to repair the damage done to your relationship. Your partner may feel too hurt with too much trust lost to go back to the way things were. If they decide to walk away, there’s nothing you can do about it with the exception of acceptance.

On the other hand, some people feel such a sense of guilt for the things they did due to their addiction, they want to end their relationship as a way of atonement. It’s important not to make any major life changes during your first year of recovery. This includes ending a major relationship such as your marriage as well as starting a new one. Your road to recovery may be the thing that helps save your marriage.

Know Things Have Changed

When you recover from addiction, there’s no going back to the way things used to be. While you may feel the desire to work toward a simpler time in the past, there’s no possible way to get there so accepting your position is crucial. You may not even realize all the ways your behavior has impacted your relationship.

Your partner had to grow and change to deal with watching your self-destruction. They may seem cold and callous when they were once warm and loving. It’s unfair for you to expect them to be the same after all this time, so accept the place they are at now.

Work to Mend What Is Broken

Chances are, you and your addiction did more than your fair share of destruction in your relationship. Some people miss important events or disappear for weeks at a time when they’re on a bender. Others stick around and show up, only to act irrationally and violently towards the ones they love. And some relationships have to face the ultimate test after one of the parties cheats on the other.

Infidelity is traumatizing. It causes the wronged party to question you, your relationship, and themselves. If you committed adultery and have come clean to your partner, it will take time to rebuild the trust that is now lost. To build this trust, you must be completely honest with your partner. This is difficult for many people as addicts have a hard time being honest with themselves. However, the work is necessary if you want to save your relationship.

Accept Responsibility for Your Actions

You will not be able to move on if you do not accept responsibility for the things you’ve done. This means you cannot play the victim when you relate to your partner why you’ve done said things. Life is tough; we all have to deal with our own traumas every day. Trying to use your own traumas as a scapegoat for your behavior only shows that you are not ready to be honest and move on from your addiction.

Listen to Your Partner

While you are going through recovery, you will be talking a lot. You talk to your therapist, you talk to your group, and you talk to your higher power. When it comes to rebuilding your romantic relationship, it is time to listen. Take in everything they have to say and ask questions when you need clarification. It may be difficult to have to listen to all the ways you hurt him or her, but the pain is a fraction of what they felt when you were doing it.

The key to rebuilding your relationship during recovery is acceptance. You must accept the continuation of time and how it changes people. You need to accept that the process will be long and arduous. You need to accept responsibility for what you’ve done and the communication your partner offers you. But in the end, you must also accept forgiveness from yourself. Forgiving yourself is the only way to truly open yourself to being forgiven by your partner so you can rebuild your loving relationship.

Paige Johnson calls herself a fitness nerd. She prides in doing strength training, cycling, and yoga. She is a personal trainer and regular contributor to LearnFit.org.