Attachment Styles and Relationship Success

According to attachment theory, there are three primary dimensions that characterize our attachment styles and patterns.

1. Closeness: How comfortable we are being emotionally close and intimate with others. 

2. Dependence/avoidance: How comfortable we are depending on others and having others depend on us. 

3. Anxiety: How often do we worry our partners will abandon and/or reject us. 

Attachment theory studies patterns in our friendships, bonds between parent and child, and romantic relationships. Our attachment style is developed during childhood with our caregivers and influences the way we connect to others in future relationships. 

People who experience higher attachment-related anxiety are more often concerned with if others really love them and often fear rejection. Meanwhile, other people experience higher attachment-related avoidance. These people are less comfortable depending on and being vulnerable to others.

Attachment Styles

Media in pop culture has sold the idea that relationships should be created on sentimentality and romantic gestures of love. These fairy tales have contributed to unreasonable expectations of love and partnership, sometimes even glorifying unrealistic attachments in our romantic relationships. Although entertaining, these depictions of love are unrealistic and often trap us in expectations so high that we push others away without meaning to. Romantic relationships are particularly vulnerable to such strains. However, real-life relationships can be repaired, and secure attachments can be created. 

We often show more behaviors related to a specific attachment style. However, we may exhibit some patterns from all the attachment styles. Our attachment patterns may also differ depending on the type of relationship (friend, parent, child, romantic partner), as well as the other person’s attachment style. Below you will see common characteristics of the different attachment styles. 

Anxious Attachment Style: Low avoidance, high anxiety.

• More often insecure in intimate relationships; frequently concerned with rejection and/or abandonment.

• May ruminate on unresolved past issues from family-of-origin; this may intrude into current perceptions of relationships. 

• Can be overly sensitive to partner’s actions and moods; may take partner’s behavior personally. 

• Can be argumentative, critical, or combative; often unaware of personal responsibility in relationships and blames others.  

Avoidant Attachment Style: High avoidance, low anxiety. 

• Typically uncomfortable with closeness and values independence.

• May not be worried about partner’s availability.

• Communication can be intellectual; may not be comfortable voicing emotions.

• Often avoids conflict.

Secure Attachment Style: Low avoidance, low anxiety. 

• Comfortable with intimacy and are not often worried about being rejected by their partner. 

• Depends on their partner and allows their partner to depend on them; is available and responsive in times of need. 

• Accepts partner’s need for separateness without feelings threatened or rejected.

• Regulates emotions well and communicates emotions honestly.  

Attachment Styles and Adult Relationships 

Attachment patterns are often passed down from one generation to the next as children learn from parents and caregivers how to connect to others. Our attachment history plays an important role in how we relate in adult romantic relationships, as well as how we relate to our own children. Our attachment styles impact our intimate relationships in several significant ways:

• How we perceive and handle closeness and emotional intimacy.

• Our ability to communicate emotions and needs, as well as how we listen to and understand the emotions and needs of our partner.

• How we respond to conflict.

• Our expectations for our partner and the relationship. 

To seek secure connection in relationships, partners in distress can become stuck in failed attempts to regulate attachment-related insecurities by using anxiety and/or avoidant strategies. Unfortunately, these strategies often ironically reinforce attachment-related insecurity. When our own attachment-related insecurities collide with our partner’s insecurities, we get caught in negative cycles of interacting. 

Creating Secure Attachment with Your Partner

Studies have found connections between attachment styles and romantic relationship satisfaction. People with secure attachment in romantic relationships are more likely to view their partner as being responsive to their needs, which influences satisfaction, investment, and commitment in romantic relationships. Therefore, secure attachment can help strengthen commitment between partners and support feelings of satisfaction in intimate relationships.  

Secure attachment is foundational in fulfilling and meaningful relationships. It promotes trust, emotional connection, and safety with our partner. Developing secure attachment with our partner not only benefits the relationship, but also improves our own sense of self and personal well-being. 

Here are a few ways you can start to move towards secure attachment with your partner and create more meaningful connections with others: 

• Self-Awareness: Start by understanding your attachment style patterns in important relationships. Take time to explore your emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in your relationships. Reflect on your own attachment patterns and identify any insecurities. Through self-awareness, you can better understand your needs, preferences, and emotions.

• Improve Emotional Regulation: Learn to recognize, acknowledge, and regulate your emotions in constructive ways. Practice self-soothing during conflict and at times your insecurities arise. Emotional regulation allows you to bring safety to your relationships. 

• Open Communication: Express your needs, desires, and concerns with respect and honesty. Listen to your partner to understand their perspective with empathy and curiosity. Allow your partner to express their feelings without judgement or criticism.

• Be Emotionally Available: This means being attuned to the emotions and needs of your partner. Offer support and validation when your partner shares vulnerabilities with you. Being emotionally available builds trust with your partner. 

Therapy Services | Fort Worth, Texas

Amy Coryell, LMFT-Associate, Supervised by Tanya Alexander, LMFT-S

If you are interested in further exploring attachment styles and creating secure attachments in your relationships with a Fort Worth therapist, you can schedule a free consultation with me through the link below or email me at amy@reconnectingrelationships.com

Premarital Counseling: Before You Say "I Do"

Relationship Counseling in Fort Worth, TX

Premarital Counseling

Congratulations, you are engaged! Now what? There are many decisions to be made after becoming engaged including choosing the venue, wedding dress, guest list, budget and more. However, during the process we often do not consider the transitions that we will experience as we go from dating to being married. Many people do not know there is premarital counseling or the benefits it provides. Take a moment to reflect on your relationship and future expectations. You may also want to take a moment to reflect if there are any areas in which conflict could arise after marriage.

Why is premarital counseling in Fort Worth important?

Sometimes we believe that after marriage our partner will change and the differences we have will disappear. Unfortunately, that is often not the case and it is called denial. Through my clients in Fort Worth I have been able to witness couples who are many years into their marriage and later come into therapy still having conflict over topics that could have been resolved during premarital counseling. Premarital counseling in Fort Worth is helpful in triple checking to see if your partner is the right one for you. It provides you the space to navigate the difficult but important conversations in which your partner and you are struggling to align and agree upon. Premarital counseling can help you understand each other’s worldviews and how you can come to an agreement and be on the same page on different topics such as finances, children, careers, or religion. It can also strengthen communication skills before marriage and provide tools to use when addressing issues in the future. The reality of marriage is having to talk about even the hardest topics and working towards finding a middle ground in which both individuals can thrive. Therefore, premarital counseling can be helpful in having less surprises in the future.

What to expect from premarital counseling in Fort Worth

It is recommended to do premarital counseling for at least 8 weeks, however, it depends on the couple’s needs. Some couples even decide to do premarital counseling before becoming engaged in order to give each other time to focus and explore issues without the stress of planning a wedding at the same time. It is normal to not know what to discuss in premarital counseling on your first visit, but the therapist will help guide you through the process. Some couples come prepared with goals and issues they want to focus on such as how to interact or navigate issues with family. Other couples want to use premarital counseling as preventative care and make sure they have discussed all important issues before the wedding. Couples can also use premarital counseling as a way to take a break from wedding planning and have time for themselves as a couple. Any of these reasons are a valid reason to come to premarital counseling.

As mentioned, you can expect to discuss topics about religion, culture, sex, interacting with family and friends, parenting, holidays and finances. Not having clear expectations about topics like these can lead to conflict within your marriage. Other important areas to explore are your personalities and how they impact the relationship. Do we both feel safe and confident in having difficult conversations and tolerating differences? How do we both react to conflict? Am I able to trust my partner? The reality of marriage is that you will face disagreements and will have to talk about those issues in order to reach common ground. It is important to know how to navigate and resolve issues within your marriage.

Is premarital counseling in Fort Worth right for you?

As you decide if premarital counseling is something for you, try to ask yourself these questions as you prepare to walk down the aisle to your special someone!

● What conflicts have you had and how did you resolve them? Did they get pushed under the rug or did they get resolved? What went well and how can you continue to improve? What are we not talking about?

● Do you want children and/or how many? How do you plan to raise and educate your children? What values do you want to instill in them? Is spirituality or faith important to you? Will you want your children to be raised in your spiritual traditions or faith?

● Are you compatible with views on money? What do you both think of debt? Do you plan to have separate or joint accounts?

● What are your boundaries with relationships outside of marriage such as with coworkers or friends?

● What are your expectations on intimacy and sex? How do you want your spouse to express affection and love to you?

If you feel more curious about premarital therapy and have further questions you can schedule a free consultation or email me at lilian@reconnectingrelationships.com.

Lilian’s Bio

Schedule Premarital Counseling in Fort Worth, TX Today

Debunking Myths About Affairs: Understanding the Realities of Infidelity

Relationship Therapy in Fort Worth Texas

Understanding Affairs

When it comes to relationships, few topics evoke as much fear and fascination as affairs. Somewhere between the flood of emotions and assumptions, myths often cloud our understanding of this complex issue. As a couple’s therapist, I’ve found numerous instances where understanding and debunking these myths have been crucial in guiding couples towards healing and reconciliation. Let’s talk about some common misconceptions about affairs and the truths behind them.

Myth #1: Affairs are solely motivated by dissatisfaction in the primary relationship.

Reality: While dissatisfaction can contribute to infidelity, affairs are often multilayered. According to research from the Gottman Institute, factors such as individual vulnerabilities, opportunities, and external stressors also play significant roles. Understanding these factors is crucial for addressing the underlying issues that motivated the affair and explore what areas need to be addressed in order to rebuild trust.

Myth #2: People who have affairs are unfaithful or immoral.

Reality: Human behavior is rarely black and white. Many individuals who engage in affairs are not naturally unfaithful but may find themselves in situations where boundaries became blurred. Research from the Gottman Institute suggests that nurturing open communication and strengthening emotional connections within relationships can decrease the risk of infidelity.

Myth #3: Affairs inevitably lead to the end of a relationship.

Reality: While affairs can strain relationships, they don’t always spell doom. In a study from Divorce Mediation Project, 80% of divorced men and women cited growing apart and a loss of closeness to their partner as the reason for divorce. With dedication, couples can overcome infidelity and build a stronger relationship. Since affairs can be such a painful experience, having professional help is essential in creating a safe space for both partner’s to explore their feelings, vulnerabilities, and needs without judgment.

Myth #4: Only unhappy or dysfunctional couples experience affairs.

Reality: Infidelity can occur in seemingly happy relationships too. Human emotions are complicated, so even individuals who seem happy can give in to temptation under certain circumstances. Recognizing the potential for vulnerability in any relationship and prioritizing preventive measures can help protect relationships.

Myth #5: Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Reality: While patterns of behavior can be difficult to break, individuals are capable of change. Key steps for someone who has betrayed their partner is their introspection, accountability, and willingness to address underlying issues to break destructive cycles.

By debunking these myths, my hope is that you will consider the complexities surrounding affairs. For those who have been cheated on, it’s crucial that your pain be acknowledged and validated, you need that to even consider to trust again. If you have cheated, don’t let that decision define you but use it as a springboard to the relationship you deserve.

I’m grateful to have witnessed the courage of my clients to address their affairs and commit in rebuilding their relationship on a foundation of honesty, trust, and mutual respect. At our practice, we strive to support individuals and couples dealing with infidelity. We remember to approach the topic with sensitivity, recognizing the profound impact it has on the lives of those involved. Through empathy and education, we can debunk myths, reduce stigma, and foster healing in the realm of couples therapy.

If you are interested in addressing complications stemming from infidelity in your relationship, you can schedule an appointment or free consultation with one of our couples therapists.

Affairs are painful. Relationship Therapy in Fort Worth can help.

Two Sides to Couples Conflict

Therapy for Couples in Fort Worth, TX

As a therapist, I am aware of the many coping strategies, communication tools, and de-escalation tactics that I have at my disposal to help me through times of conflict with my partner.  However, I haven’t always known how to deal with relationship problems.  And even with all my training and my years of practicing these tools, I can easily fall prey to unconstructive old habits. 

During a particular disagreement with my husband, I knew very well just what to say to really annoy him.  Most of the time, I acknowledge and am aware of what hurtful, punch-to-the gut thing I can say to really get to him.  But I also understand I will probably not get the response I want so I refrain from saying that annoying thing. 

However, this time I plowed through and said “F-it, I’m going for it!”  My feelings got the best of me. 

Being the sweet husband he is, I watched as he took in a deep breath and instead of one-upping me, he responded with acknowledgment of my hurt.  After further discussing our issue, I confessed to him that I was fully aware of my intent to hurt him back. I apologized.

How did I get away with this bad behavior?  John Gottman, couples researcher and clinician, proposes a 5:1 ratio is key in maintaining homeostasis in a relationship.  For every one negative interaction, we need five positive interactions to keep us feeling balanced in a relationship.  More often than not, we need to be good to each other.  This allowed me to have my moment, not a fabulous moment, but nonetheless, a human one.    

The other thing I did was acknowledge my behavior and apologize shortly after I was able to cool down.  Making repairs is so important!  And even though I was the hurt partner, I still played a role in how our conflict would emerge and come to a resolution.  He made his repair and so did I. 

You can protect your relationship by making sure you’re engaging with your partner in positive ways most of the time. We can never get away from conflict altogether, but we can make decisions to be more cognizant in the ways we contribute to conflict and being proactive to maintain a trusting and loving relationship.

Our Therapists in Fort Worth can help. Book today!

How to Turn Up the Heat!!!

Are you and your partner stuck in a sexual rut?  Are you getting bored with your mundane sex life?  Have you been together so long that you feel like you’ve run out of new and exciting things to try?  If you answered yes to any of these questions, let me take just a few minutes of your time to tell you about some of the many ways you can heat up your bedroom during these cold winter nights!  

• Start with Foreplay:  This means instead of just getting straight to business, build up the excitement and anticipation.  This can be done in ways such as kissing, exploring each other’s bodies using your hands and mouth, and stimulating each other’s genitals manually and orally.  For those of you who may need a little help in the “how to do foreplay” department, you can start your foreplay by using a pair of sex dice.  With this type of game you each take turns rolling a pair of die and it instructs you what to do (suck, lick, kiss, blow, etc.) and what body part to do it on.  

• Initiating Sex:  It can get pretty boring, and possibly even frustrating, if one partner is the one who is always responsible for asking for sex.  Switch it up!  Both partners should be responsible for keeping your sex life alive.  

• Be Spontaneous:  When was the last time you and your partner were out in public when you got the urge for a quickie in the bathroom stall?  Or even right in the middle of the kitchen?  I’m not talking about all the time—or else it wouldn’t be spontaneous, right?!  However, every once in a while, amongst your busy schedules, being spontaneous sexually can heighten your, and your partner’s, interest in sex.  It can also increase the intensity of orgasm.  

• Introduce Toys:  There are so many sex toys out there now that your possibilities are seemingly endless!  Shop together and pick out the toys you think will be best for the both of you.  There are solo toys specifically for men and women that can be used during masturbation, while being watched by your partner, or even handed over to your partner to use on you.  These types of toys include male masturbators (aka strokers) or vibrators and dildos.  There are also a lot of toys the couple can use together, such as vibrating penis rings, “U” shaped vibrators, and penis sleeves.  

• Explore Each Other’s Fantasies:  There’s not much out there that can connect you and your partner more than knowing each other’s deepest and darkest sexual secrets.  By talking and acting out each other’s fantasies you will learn more about your partner than you ever thought possible.  This will allow you to please your partner based on their desires and directions, and it will help you find new ways to turn your partner on the next time you want to initiate intimacy.  

• Maintain Eye Contact:  By this I don’t mean have a staring contest!  I just mean lock eyes from time to time, especially during orgasm.  This may be awkward for some because most people are used to closing their eyes during the big release.  However, if you look into each other’s eyes during these moments, you are allowing your partner to connect with you and see just how much pleasure they can make you feel (and who doesn’t want that boost to their ego!).  Don’t worry either, no matter how silly you may think your “O” face is, that’s probably the furthest thing from their minds!

Remember, these are just a few ways you can crank up the heat in your sex life; there are a lot more out there.  Some of these suggestions may not be for everyone, but as long as you go into any sexual experience with an open mind and trust in your partner, you’ll never know what you may discover together!   

What is the ratio in your relationship?

Can you remember the last time your partner made a positive comment about you? Or do you feel regularly criticized by your partner instead?  When negative interactions outweigh the positive ones in your relationship it may be hard to even recall the positive qualities in your partner. Although there are no quick fixes to ensure you will live a fairy tale relationship with only positive interactions with your partner, there is a strategy I will discuss in this post that can lead to a happier, more stable and connected relationship. 

Dr. John Gottman, researcher and clinical psychologist, has studied couples for many years to find out what makes marriages successful or end in divorce. He found that expressing fondness, encouragement, and admiration toward one another could go a long way in maintaining a strong marital relationship. This may seem obvious, but in addition he found that happy and stable couples share more positive feelings and actions than negatives ones even when facing conflict. Happy and stable couples may continue to experience some negative interactions, yet the key is in the balance. According to Gottman, the magic ratio is 5 to 1. This means that for every 1 negative feeling or interaction between partners, there must be 5 positive feelings or interactions. 

So if you feel that your relationship is not practicing the magic ratio, here are some things to help you start increasing positive feelings or interactions. 

Show Affection

• Hold hands, hug, kiss

• Offer a back rub or foot rub

• Sit together while watching TV

• Say “I love you” 

Show care and concern

• Buy your partner his or her favorite dessert while out on an errand

• Write a short email, send a card, or a thoughtful text message to your partner

• Write a note of encouragement 

• Let your partner know it matters to you when they are concerned

  • Example: “it sounds like you had a really rough day at work today.” 

Show thankfulness

• Recall and share with your partner ways that they have been helpful or caring

• Thank him or her for what he or she does for you

• Compliment your partner

• Point out positive qualities you genuinely appreciate and admire

Listen to understand

• Be aware of your verbal and non verbal expressions when listening to your partner

  • Example: nodding your head and maintaining eye contact

• Tell your partner how you understand his or her perspective

• Listen carefully and completely to your partner before commenting

• Avoid providing advice too quickly, listen completely first

Be respectful

• Acknowledge your partner’s opinion and let them know you think it is important

• Avoid name calling or being sarcastic towards your partner’s comments

• Be open minded with your partner even when you do not agree

Lighten up!

• Be playful 

• Engage in activities in where you both can laugh 

• Joke around with each other, but avoid jokes that are sarcastic or hostile towards your partner

• Share memories with your partner about when you first met

• Share your feelings with your partner when you feel good or happy, especially when they have been brought up by your partner

Aim for the magic ratio and watch your relationship blossom!  

Surviving the Damages from an Affair

What exactly is an affair?  Many people have different definitions for this word.  Some people believe an affair is having a sexual relationship with someone outside of the relationship, others believe becoming emotionally attached to someone else is considered having an affair, while some believe the act of watching pornography could be considered an affair.  This is why it is so important to communicate individual expectations with your partner in where healthy boundaries and limits can be established in order to protect your relationship.  

If an affair within the relationship does occur, it can be very detrimental to the relationship, as well as to the non-offending partner.  However, just because damage has been done, does not mean it cannot be repaired!  It won’t happen overnight, but with the guidance and support of a skilled professional, it can be done.

You may be asking yourself, “How?”  A licensed therapist will be able to help the couple identify the underlying contributions to the affair.  The shared responsibility of these contributions may not be equal; however, addressing each partner’s role in the relationship could provide clues on issues that weakened the relationship prior to the affair.  This can help the couple prevent these circumstances in the future.  A therapist will also help the couple with improving their communication patterns.  They will learn how to “communicate more sensitively, how to listen with more respect, how to talk about sensitive issues without anger or criticism, and how to offer more positivity…” (Heitler, 2011).  The most difficult aspects of surviving the affair are forgiveness and trust.  Be prepared for the long haul while repairing these pieces.  It can, however, be done while working with a therapist through the anger, pain, and fears. 

Once the communication gate is open and flowing, and the partners have repaired trust, it may be time to explore restoring the couple’s intimacy.  In the beginning, sexual intimacy may be compared to the intimacy that occurred during the affair.  The therapist can help the couple come back together in order to achieve more enjoyable and pleasurable intimacy that may have been missing or lacking previously.  

With all of this being said, in order for the couple to survive this rainstorm, both partners have to be willing to repair the damages together.  This can all be done with the support and help from a professional therapist.  Some couples even report developing an even stronger and more intimate relationship after surviving the affair!

References:

Bloom, Charlie & Bloom, Linda. (2010, May 10). Is there (marital) life after an affair? [Web log post] Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201005/is-there-marital-life-after-affair

Heitler, Susan. (2011, Nov 1). Recovery from an affair. [Web log post] Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201111/recovery-affair

McCarthy, Barry W. (2012, Jan 2). Sexual recovery from an extramarital affair. [Web log post] Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/whats-your-sexual-style/201201/sexual-recovery-extramarital-affair

Pre-engagement vs Pre-marital counseling? What's the difference as long as you go?

At first the comparison of Pre-engagement and pre-marital counseling can seem so similar and unimportant. Yet considering the differences, pre-engagement counseling may provide many dating couples additional benefits to the relationship and confidence in making a lifelong commitment!

Here are a few IMPORTANT factors to consider in regards to pre-engagement counseling:

      Engagement/ Pressure: Proposals, shinny new engagement ring, and the excitement of telling everyone the great news, can really compromise the objectivity of the relationship. The priority of working on the relationship may easily turn into planning the wedding day instead of working on and finding a resolution to the conflict that may be remaining within the relationship.

        Time Constraint: Couples seeking pre-engagement counseling do not have the same time crunch as couples that have already set the wedding date. Pre-engagement counseling can allow dating couples to openly share fears and hopes in sessions without worrying about how emotions will interfere with the couple’s timeline. In some cases, couples may need more than 8 sessions to resolve or practice new skills they are learning. Rather than couples that have a short engagement, which may not have sufficient time or desire to address issues prior to the wedding.

      Confidence in your Decision: Attending pre-engagement counseling can provide both the couple and each individual the time and place to explore such an important decision with a trained professional. A couple can also benefit from expressing their thoughts and feelings to a professional who is trained in marriage and relational issues and will remain an unbiased third party. It is important to consider the motivation and readiness each person has to make such a commitment. By taking the time to explore your relationship in counseling, individuals can discuss expectations for the marriage and find a compromise if necessary prior to making the commitment.

So whether you are currently in a serious relationship or questioning if you and your partner are ready for marriage, please consider pre-engagement counseling! Pre-engagement counseling may seem as an unromantic plan or unnecessary, yet with staggering divorce rates this is just another way to invest in your relationship!

From Sibling Rivalry to Sibling Revelry: It CAN Happen!

“Mom!  Jimmy hit me!”  

“Well what were you doing to him?”  

“Nothing!  He started it!”

Do you find this being typical dialogue in your home?  At some point in parenting, if you have more than one child, sibling rivalry will rear its ugly head.  We can’t escape it entirely, but there are ways to lessen this problematic situation.  

Let’s begin by defining it.  According to Merriam-Webster, it is a “competition between siblings especially for the attention, affection, and approval of their parents.”  Oh man!  That sure does put parents in an awkward position.  

Who argues?

Although all kids have a tendency to argue, the closer-in-age and same-gender children tend to have more drama than any other set of siblings.  Being similar puts kids at a higher advantage for promoting competition.  The closeness in age can put pressure on the younger one to keep up with the older one, and if they are of the same gender, both kids can find themselves competing for the attention of a specific parent.  

Normal or Not?

You often hear parents explain, “Oh, they fight like any other normal set of siblings.”  But what is normal?  Compare one person’s perspective to the next and it may be completely different.  A better way to examine it might be to consider how often sibling rivalry occurs in the home and how intensely it is experienced.  How does their rivalry affect the family dynamics and each member individually?  

In 2012, a research study indicated that conflictual sibling rivalry is closely related to negative behaviors such as aggression and anti-social tendencies (including substance use), whereas healthy sibling relationships are linked to positive interactions with friends and intimate partners, a greater ability to adjust to academic pressures, and improved prosperity and mental health. In a separate study (2013), sibling aggression is closely linked to the decline of positive mental health.  Additionally, whether aggression comes from a sibling or a peer, the effects on well-being are the same.   

On a positive note, recent research shows that parents can also benefit from practicing conflict resolution with the kids in the home.  During the study, as parents taught and guided their children to communicate positively with siblings, mom and dad were able to borrow the same tactics.  Parents became better at managing their own emotions, therefore improving their overall mental health.  

So what can you do?

Avoid comparisons and labels.  Comparing one child to the next only promotes competition. Instead, acknowledge their own interests and express your support for their individuality.  Oftentimes, children are given labels in the family such as “the smart one” or “the artsy one.”  It may seem harmless, but placing labels can actually restrict the child from attempting something they find to be challenging.  

Don’t get caught in the middle.  Don’t act as a judge or try to determine who is right and who is wrong.  This only creates more conflict and hostility between siblings.  First, allow siblings to resolve their own arguments, although if you see the argument escalating or getting out of hand, then it is time to step in.  Never allow kids to become physically abusive with one another.  Nonetheless, use this opportunity to guide them to making good decisions about communication.  Listen to what they are trying to say to each other and steer clear from making criticisms.  Many times, kids have difficulty expressing themselves which only frustrates them even more.  You might try something like, “It sounds like what your brother is trying to say is…” or “What do you hear your sister say?” Ask each child to clarify if the message is coming across inaccurately.        

Spend “quality” time with each child.  Spend time with each child and as a family.  This does not mean you have to spend a lot of money or a great deal of time.  Life can get pretty busy but a 10 minute “quality” conversation can go a long way with kids.  Put the phone away and make sure your child gets your full attention.  Ask questions and show interest.  The more your kid feels connected to you, the less they feel the need to act out or compete with their sibling.  

Aside from taking certain steps to minimize sibling rivalry, it’s necessary to understand the longstanding emotional and mental effects that can occur if ignored.  Although sibling rivalry might be all too common in our society, it does not excuse us from being proactive.  As parents we want to see our children thrive and grow, and part of becoming that healthy individual means learning to resolve conflict with others.  The early relationship building experiences a child receives can leave a lasting impact on their mental health for years to come, but also your own!   

References

Feinberg, M.E., Solmeyer, A.R., Hostetler, M.L., Sakuma, K., Jones, D., & McHale, S.M. (2012). Siblings are special: Initial test of a new approach for preventing youth behavior problems. Journal of Adolescent Health, 53(2), 166-173.  doi: 10.1016/j.jadohealth.2012.10.004

Ravindran, N., Engle, J.M., McElwain, N.L., & Kramer, L. Fostering parents’ emotion regulation through a sibling-focused experimental intervention. (2015). Journal of Family Psychology, 29(3), 458-468.  doi: 10.1037/fam0000084

Tucker, C.J., Finkelhor, D., Turner, H., & Shattuck, A. (2013). Association of sibling aggression with child and adolescent mental health. Pediatrics, 132(1), 79-84. doi: 10.1542/peds.2012-3801

http://www.sylviarimm.com/article_sibcomp.html

Sex Therapy FAQs

Typically, when people ask me what I do I tell them that I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist-Associate and that I am working towards specializing in Sex Therapy.  Once that cat gets out of the bag, in come the questions!  I have found that there are a lot of misunderstandings as to what it really means to be a sex therapist and what exactly happens during a session focused on sex therapy.   So, I have compiled a list of the most common questions that people tend to ask.  

Q: “Does a sex therapist have sex with their clients?”                                                       A: NO!!! Definitely not!  Sex therapy is just like any other type of psychotherapy; all you do is talk. 

Q: “Does the couple have sex with each other in front of the sex therapist?”                     A:  Again, NO!!! There is no touching of any kind, nor are any sexual acts played out. However, the therapist may encourage the couple to go home and try an exercise that was discussed during the session, if they are comfortable with it.

Q: “Do you have to be in a relationship to go to sex therapy?”                                         A: Not at all!  Although sex therapists typically see couples, there are times when an individual is dealing with sexual problems of their own.  

Q: “What type of issues does a sex therapist help with?”                                                 A: Sex therapists generally help discover different emotional issues that are creating sexual problems between the couple. Sex therapists also help people who are dealing with issues such as: lack of desire, difficulty achieving orgasm, difficulty getting and/or maintaining an erection, premature ejaculation, pain during penetrative sex, unwanted fetishes, and sexual addiction.  

Q: “Does a sex therapist ever get embarrassed or uncomfortable during session?”             A: Due to the sex therapist’s extensive knowledge in the field, nothing you say will embarrass the therapist, nor should it embarrass you!  Just like any other therapist, your issues will be treated with compassion and understanding.  (And don’t worry, your sex therapist has probably already heard of anything and everything there is to do with sex at least once!)

Q: “Is my relationship ruined if my partner and I have to go see a sex therapist?”             A: Absolutely not!!! Even though most people tend to wait too long to seek professional help, seeing a sex therapist, by no means, implies that there is no hope for your relationship. In reality, coming to therapy shows a lot of strength in the relationship; it shows that your relationship is something worth fighting for.  Seeking help from a sex therapist can allow your sex life to flourish and liven up like you’ve never seen it before (and who doesn’t want that!).

I hope this entry has helped broaden your view on what sex therapy really is and I hope it has helped fight any stigma that may be keeping you, and your partner, from getting the help you really need and deserve from a sex therapist!