How to Turn Up the Heat!!!

Are you and your partner stuck in a sexual rut?  Are you getting bored with your mundane sex life?  Have you been together so long that you feel like you’ve run out of new and exciting things to try?  If you answered yes to any of these questions, let me take just a few minutes of your time to tell you about some of the many ways you can heat up your bedroom during these cold winter nights!  

• Start with Foreplay:  This means instead of just getting straight to business, build up the excitement and anticipation.  This can be done in ways such as kissing, exploring each other’s bodies using your hands and mouth, and stimulating each other’s genitals manually and orally.  For those of you who may need a little help in the “how to do foreplay” department, you can start your foreplay by using a pair of sex dice.  With this type of game you each take turns rolling a pair of die and it instructs you what to do (suck, lick, kiss, blow, etc.) and what body part to do it on.  

• Initiating Sex:  It can get pretty boring, and possibly even frustrating, if one partner is the one who is always responsible for asking for sex.  Switch it up!  Both partners should be responsible for keeping your sex life alive.  

• Be Spontaneous:  When was the last time you and your partner were out in public when you got the urge for a quickie in the bathroom stall?  Or even right in the middle of the kitchen?  I’m not talking about all the time—or else it wouldn’t be spontaneous, right?!  However, every once in a while, amongst your busy schedules, being spontaneous sexually can heighten your, and your partner’s, interest in sex.  It can also increase the intensity of orgasm.  

• Introduce Toys:  There are so many sex toys out there now that your possibilities are seemingly endless!  Shop together and pick out the toys you think will be best for the both of you.  There are solo toys specifically for men and women that can be used during masturbation, while being watched by your partner, or even handed over to your partner to use on you.  These types of toys include male masturbators (aka strokers) or vibrators and dildos.  There are also a lot of toys the couple can use together, such as vibrating penis rings, “U” shaped vibrators, and penis sleeves.  

• Explore Each Other’s Fantasies:  There’s not much out there that can connect you and your partner more than knowing each other’s deepest and darkest sexual secrets.  By talking and acting out each other’s fantasies you will learn more about your partner than you ever thought possible.  This will allow you to please your partner based on their desires and directions, and it will help you find new ways to turn your partner on the next time you want to initiate intimacy.  

• Maintain Eye Contact:  By this I don’t mean have a staring contest!  I just mean lock eyes from time to time, especially during orgasm.  This may be awkward for some because most people are used to closing their eyes during the big release.  However, if you look into each other’s eyes during these moments, you are allowing your partner to connect with you and see just how much pleasure they can make you feel (and who doesn’t want that boost to their ego!).  Don’t worry either, no matter how silly you may think your “O” face is, that’s probably the furthest thing from their minds!

Remember, these are just a few ways you can crank up the heat in your sex life; there are a lot more out there.  Some of these suggestions may not be for everyone, but as long as you go into any sexual experience with an open mind and trust in your partner, you’ll never know what you may discover together!   

CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE DISCLOSURE

For many survivors, the discussion of past child sexual abuse (CSA) is a difficult one to have.  More often than not, these group of people wait at least five years before disclosing their traumatic story to another soul.  And, even though the abuse occurred when the victim was a child or an adolescent, the majority do not disclose until they reach their adult years.  A great part of the victim’s life has changed, and sadly enough, their struggle is one that they endure in a covert and yet, emotionally tumultuous manner.  

Family dynamics plays a big part in deciding whether or not to reveal their abuse.  Too often, sexual abuse occurs at the hands of a family member or close family friend.  This complicates matters for the CSA victim.  The young individual is greatly betrayed and can lose trust in adults.  Consequently, trust and intimacy are two valuable components that are necessary to achieve a healthy relationship.  Interpersonal relationships become compromised.  Women of CSA are more likely to be re-victimized in their adult relationships.

As the individual attempts to continue on in their day-to-day life, it becomes a struggle to juggle their secret and maintain a life that appears “normal.”  CSA victims can be affected in many ways.  Some suffer from PTSD, anxiety, or depression.  Other symptoms include hypervigilance, irritability, sleep disorders, low self-esteem, panic attacks, promiscuity, and more.  There are many challenges the victim will face.  But even more daunting, is the idea that they feel alone and misunderstood.

After years of secrecy, it can seem difficult to come out and speak about the past abuse. Seeking professional help is recommended.  Working with a therapist, the CSA survivor can make decisions on how, when, or if he or she will disclose to family or friends.  The adult survivor can begin to explore and examine the results of CSA in the safe and confidential environment of counseling.  Together, a plan can be made to help ease the process of disclosure and discover healthy ways to cope with negative thoughts and emotions.  No longer does the survivor have to walk alone.

“Hummingbird shows us how to re-visit the past for the purpose of releasing it instead of being caught in a permanently backward flight pattern. It also helps us to see that if we step aside we may see our life differently. Hummingbird teaches us to transcend time, to recognize that what has happened in the past and what might happen in the future is not nearly as important as what we are experiencing now. It teaches us to hover in the moment, to appreciate its sweetness.”

– Constance Barrett Sohodski 

Hall, M., & Hall, J. (2011). The long-term effects of childhood sexual abuse: Counseling implications. Retrieved from http://counselingoutfitters.com/vistas/vistas11/Article_19.pdf

University of Montreal. (2010, January 22). Disclosing sexual abuse is critical. ScienceDaily. Retrieved October 7, 2015 from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/01/100119121422.htm

Youth Villages. (2012, April 13). In child sexual abuse, strangers aren't the greatest danger, experts say. ScienceDaily. Retrieved October 12, 2015 from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/04/120413100854.htm

Getting to Know Jenifer!

Hello!!  I just want to take a minute and introduce myself to all of you and share a little bit of my history and background.  I thought I’d start off by sharing with you why I chose to become a Marriage and Family Therapist! 

Ever since I was a little girl, my parents always told me I would be a therapist when I grew up.  I was that kid that wanted to know, “why”…why people felt the way they did and if they were sad I wanted to cheer them up.  Even going through middle school and high school, I was the friend everyone would turn to when they needed to talk to someone, or they just needed to vent.  Now, I am still that little girl who wants to know “why” and that friend who everyone turns to.  This is what fuels my passion for my clients today.  I chose to focus my therapeutic attention on marriage, mostly, because going into graduate school I knew I wanted to pursue a specialization in sex therapy.  

For the past 6 years I have been employed by an adult novelty store where I have gained a vast knowledge of sexual awareness and sex education.  Thanks to customers who have been open and felt like they could talk to me, it has in turn opened my mind up to the more sensual and private endeavors in a couples’ relationship.  Working at my store, I feel, has prepared me for this field and has allowed me to help my clients in a more personal and private way, more than sitting in a classroom could have.  

On a more personal note, I am not married, nor do I have any children.  I do, however, have two VERY spoiled cats that I absolutely adore!  I really enjoy reading—my favorites are mysteries and romance.  Another favorite thing of mine is spending time with my closest friends; just eating sushi and sharing stories! 

I hope that by sharing a little piece of me has allowed you to see me on a more personal level, as more of an equal.  We all experience life in very different ways, but, nonetheless, we all experience times of hardships and happiness.