Give Life Meaning

We’re heading into the last few months of 2020 and this year feels a whole lot different! For many years we may have relied on the upcoming months to be the season of joy and full of festivities around the holidays. Instead as this holiday season approaches, I have felt the heaviness, difficulty, and uncertainty of how the next few months will unfold. I for one can say that this is completely understandable! After all we have had to experience the many changes and stress influenced by the COVID-19 pandemic. In addition, the news constantly reminds us of the additional challenges that are taking place socially, politically, and economically.

If you are struggling to stay hopeful and positive right now, then this article is dedicated to you. I’m also struggling to stay hopeful and positive right now. It’s discouraging and frustrating to dig deep to find positivity when the next challenge or problem seems to be right around the corner. Recently, I walked into my office feeling a lack of confidence and worry on how I would share hope and positivity with my clients when everything outside of my office seemed so negative. Additionally, to be more vulnerable with you guys, that moment terrified me! For the last 5 years, Reconnecting Relationships Therapy has been my home away from home. It has been an honor to serve the Dallas Fort Worth area by working with my clients. All these years my heart has been filled with gratitude and excitement as clients have shared their stories and invited me to help them create positive changes. Although most stories that are shared with me in therapy are filled with suffering and conflict, I’ve known what my purpose has been all these years. Feeling those negative emotions as I walked into my office, forced me to pause and acknowledge my current predicament.  I’m struggling with sadness, fear, frustration, and hopelessness. Since I hadn’t been diligent in processing these negative emotions outside of work, they were now making me question my purpose.

According to the CDC, about 41% of the U.S. population reported experienced mental health issues as a result of the pandemic. Common mental health issues reported included anxiety, depression, trauma-related symptoms, and substance use disorders. If you are not experiencing one of these mental health issues, perhaps you have noticed other symptoms associated with the increase of stress and anxiety.

 So, what can we do? We may not be able to control many things about a pandemic. We definitely can’t bury our heads in the sand and pretend that life is not filled with various challenges right now. What we can do to gain some stability, is to find what is in our control. We can control how we use our time sheltering at home. We can control what decisions we make that care for our physical and mental health. We can decide to have a mindset and practice actions that remind us that our life still has meaning. We can choose to live a life that is meaningful and has purpose. The most valuable support we can have at this time is finding that our life still has meaning when we are attempting to cope, survive, and restructure during difficult times.

One of my favorite books is by Viktor Frankl, which I find always reminds me of man’s strength and resilience in the worst situations. In his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, he describes his experience while being held at a concentration camp during World War II. He reminds us of what helps people survive desperate circumstances, “The meaning of life is to give life meaning.” In times of uncertainty, crisis, or change we have the power to choose what will give us meaning or purpose. I may not like the changes and negative emotions that the pandemic has brought but I can choose to focus on what gives my life meaning. I’m committed to continue helping couples reduce conflict and to help my clients experience joy in their relationships! 

What Are You Grieving?

One of the things I value the most is learning about different cultures. It helps me challenge my current beliefs, it pushes me to try new things, and by doing that I get a boost of energy! Although I find new ways to do this at home, I’ve found nothing is like visiting a new country and immersing myself in a culture different than my own. Traveling to different countries around the world has become, not only a privilege, but an essential way to re-energize and reconnect with myself away from work. Starting 2020 had been emotionally draining as I balanced a packed work schedule and various home and life responsibilities. Despite the challenges, I knew that I would soon get to enjoy a much-needed, two-week trip to Japan with my husband and friends. The long work week and stressors of life seemed trivial as I reminded myself that soon I would be experiencing a culture that was more fascinating and different than I had ever experienced before, and would teach me so much. We had been budgeting carefully to pay for our trip. The flights had been purchased. Itinerary and transportation plans to different cities in Japan were ready. Hotels reserved. My list of new ingredients and meals I planned to experience for the first time was ready. Experiences unique to Japanese culture which I hoped to learn from had been planned. Additionally, I had notified all my clients at Reconnecting Relationships Therapy that I would be out of the country and had adjusted their treatment plans in order for them to continue their progress while I was away.

           Two weeks before our flight was set to leave for Japan, we were shocked at having to contemplate the need to cancel our trip. By then, the U.S. was preparing for the novel COVID-19 to arrive as we had been observing from afar the impact it was having on other parts of the world. It took days to reach the difficult decision that making a trip for pleasure did not outweigh the risks of being stranded in a foreign country, unable to come home, and possibly risk the health of others when coming home in the middle of a pandemic. Even as we prepared to cancel our flights, my mind seemed to deny the fact that I could lose something I had put so much work into. The loss I felt was confusing, filled with deep sadness, frustration, and hopelessness. A loss of predictability as I had planned and visited other countries with little, to no interruption. But what I felt the most uncomfortable about was my feeling of guilt. I felt so guilty for feeling these emotions and saying them out loud was something I wanted to avoid. After all, many people had already died from the coronavirus infection and more cases were being confirmed daily. Guilt, that while I was feeling sad and frustrated, our country and the DFW area were soon going to have to face the unknowns of COVID-19.

           As rapid changes became the new reality amid a pandemic, I was forced to do what loss forces us all to do. Grieve. For the first time in my life I experienced a sense of community grieving. Grieving the loss of certainty and predictability which are things that we don’t normally grieve. Grieving our routines which we were accustomed to living. Grieving the physical interactions with family, friends, coworkers, and my clients. I had to reflect on what was truly meaningful so that I could understand the new reality created by the loss I was feeling.

           With grieving, I usually tell my clients it’s not linear. It comes in waves instead of predictable stages. I have worked with many clients grieving the loss of a loved one or a relationship. Unfortunately, I had less practice grieving things, experiences, or unexpected events. I began to consider the many people that were experiencing similar losses and as a result, a confusing grieving process. All around me, were others who had to cancel trips, weddings, graduation ceremonies, and other milestones. Others had lost their jobs, expected income, or their ability to experience physical companionship due to social distancing. Each individual will experience loss and grief in their own way.

While I don’t have a formula to determine what facet of an event or item will cause one to grieve, what I can share with you, is that our brain is a predictive organ. When we’re deeply bonded to someone, we develop an attachment that becomes part of our identity. Our brain begins to predict interactions with that person even if they are not physically with us. For those of us who have lost a loved one, you can relate to having moments where you long to share something you just saw or experienced with the person you lost. Those moments where we are reminded by the loss are sad and painful. These difficult moments are where our minds are restructuring the meaning to the loss, without completely erasing the attachment. It’s a difficult but crucial step of grieving. When we feel pain and sadness from our losses, our mind is signaling that we need to slow down because we are grieving. The same process can apply to losing other aspects intertwined with our identity, like experiences or milestones. In my case, losing the opportunity to travel right now challenges how I see myself when I think of my individual growth. I relied on traveling as a way to push beyond my comfort zone, as well as, practice self-care. Through grieving, I can now explore how to adjust my growth when I can’t travel. We all need time to readjust to what it’s like to no longer have our loved one, our plans, or whatever we may have lost that was dear to us.

Grief is a difficult emotion to often admit, especially in our culture. We strive to be happy, positive, and resilient. We often disregard the benefits that emotions associated to grief can have. Leaning into our sadness of what we lost, can help us focus our attention away from the world around us, so that we can begin the mental reset needed to find adaptation. Take a moment to acknowledge what you are feeling. You may have one feeling that stands out or many. Then name what you lost, if right now your losses have piled up, it may be hard to name them all. Name all the feelings you can, and know it can take time to articulate all that you lost. Identifying needs to an abstract loss can be challenging, but only by identifying them can we really move on to think of what’s ahead. Once you can identify what you lost, then you can begin to explore your unique needs to feel whole again. Of course, I’ll be the first to admit that feeling whole again, does not replace what was lost in the same way. But there is the possibility that it could be better or that you can now identify what you really need.

With the many events taken place this year, our losses may have accumulated and left us confused on where to start or how to deal with them. It is my hope for you that you will allow time for the sadness and loss to run through, so that you are able to identify and face what you lost, and as a result find the strategies that will help you adapt. It may take time and other’s may not understand it, but that’s ok. You lost something that was a part of your identity and for that you are grieving it. You’re not a bag of emotions. You’re resilient.

Rebuilding Your Relationship When Dealing with Addiction by Paige Johnson

Addiction ruins things. It can ruin your health, it can ruin your bank account, and it can ruin your reputation. One of the things many people see ruined by addiction is their relationships. While dealing with an addiction, you may do things that erode trust between you and your partner; things like infidelity. In fact, in a 2014 article published in the Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs, almost half of the alcohol addicts surveyed had also gone through with a divorce at some point in their lives.

The sad truth is you may not be able to repair the damage done to your relationship. Your partner may feel too hurt with too much trust lost to go back to the way things were. If they decide to walk away, there’s nothing you can do about it with the exception of acceptance.

On the other hand, some people feel such a sense of guilt for the things they did due to their addiction, they want to end their relationship as a way of atonement. It’s important not to make any major life changes during your first year of recovery. This includes ending a major relationship such as your marriage as well as starting a new one. Your road to recovery may be the thing that helps save your marriage.

Know Things Have Changed

When you recover from addiction, there’s no going back to the way things used to be. While you may feel the desire to work toward a simpler time in the past, there’s no possible way to get there so accepting your position is crucial. You may not even realize all the ways your behavior has impacted your relationship.

Your partner had to grow and change to deal with watching your self-destruction. They may seem cold and callous when they were once warm and loving. It’s unfair for you to expect them to be the same after all this time, so accept the place they are at now.

Work to Mend What Is Broken

Chances are, you and your addiction did more than your fair share of destruction in your relationship. Some people miss important events or disappear for weeks at a time when they’re on a bender. Others stick around and show up, only to act irrationally and violently towards the ones they love. And some relationships have to face the ultimate test after one of the parties cheats on the other.

Infidelity is traumatizing. It causes the wronged party to question you, your relationship, and themselves. If you committed adultery and have come clean to your partner, it will take time to rebuild the trust that is now lost. To build this trust, you must be completely honest with your partner. This is difficult for many people as addicts have a hard time being honest with themselves. However, the work is necessary if you want to save your relationship.

Accept Responsibility for Your Actions

You will not be able to move on if you do not accept responsibility for the things you’ve done. This means you cannot play the victim when you relate to your partner why you’ve done said things. Life is tough; we all have to deal with our own traumas every day. Trying to use your own traumas as a scapegoat for your behavior only shows that you are not ready to be honest and move on from your addiction.

Listen to Your Partner

While you are going through recovery, you will be talking a lot. You talk to your therapist, you talk to your group, and you talk to your higher power. When it comes to rebuilding your romantic relationship, it is time to listen. Take in everything they have to say and ask questions when you need clarification. It may be difficult to have to listen to all the ways you hurt him or her, but the pain is a fraction of what they felt when you were doing it.

The key to rebuilding your relationship during recovery is acceptance. You must accept the continuation of time and how it changes people. You need to accept that the process will be long and arduous. You need to accept responsibility for what you’ve done and the communication your partner offers you. But in the end, you must also accept forgiveness from yourself. Forgiving yourself is the only way to truly open yourself to being forgiven by your partner so you can rebuild your loving relationship.

Paige Johnson calls herself a fitness nerd. She prides in doing strength training, cycling, and yoga. She is a personal trainer and regular contributor to LearnFit.org.

It’s Storytime!

One of my favorite pastimes is reading.  When I was a young girl, I would check out the maximum allowed books at a time and then return for more before the given due date.  Then as a new mom, I discovered my passion for reading to my kids.  This type of reading is very different from reading alone.  It’s more interactive and can be very entertaining.  I found that reading was a great way to connect and bond with my children, and at the same time, it provided my girls with the foundation for learning and building creativity.

There are many benefits to reading, for both kids and adults.  Reading can help us overcome stress, protect us from memory decline, increase empathy, and improve comprehension and language skills. Some studies have shown that keeping our minds active by engaging in a stimulating activity, such as reading, can prevent the development of Alzheimer’s disease.  Therefore, it’s important to instill a love for reading at an early age so that we can reap the benefits for years to come.   And it’s fun!     

Here are some tips to make reading enjoyable for you and your kids.

• Start reading to your kids at an early age.  Young children won’t have a long attention span, but short picture books will suffice.  As they get older, reading time can increase.    

• Provide a positive home reading environment.  Express a good attitude towards reading.  Let them know how much you find it to be rewarding.  Expand their horizon and vocabulary by supplying your child with various types of books.        

• Make it a routine.  Bedtime is a favorite!  It’s a great way to decompress after a long day and spend quality time together.  These are memories you and your child will treasure for a lifetime.  

• Be curious.  Get kids thinking by asking what they suppose will happen in the next page or two.  Will the mouse get the cookie?  What do you think he’ll want next?  The more interested you seem, the more intrigued they become.

• Use funny voices.  Use a variety of voices for different characters.  I personally loved Charlie and Lola by English writer, Lauren Child, since it gave me a chance to perfect my British accent!  And in a kid’s voice at that!  

• Point and sound out words.  Recent research shows preference for sounding out words like C-A-T, rather than memorizing the whole word.  Pointing helps children learn the process of reading from left to right and top to bottom.  Reading aloud and pointing is a great tool in guiding kids to make the connection between letters, words, and meaning.

As the weather cools, snuggle up and read a good book with your kids.  Or if you feel the need to get out and interact with others, story time at a local bookstore is a great way to meet other parents and children of similar age. Kids grow up way too fast, and they’ll be reading on their own before you know it.  So take the opportunity while you can!  You’re building memories with your kids and making a difference in their overall well-being and health.          

CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE DISCLOSURE

For many survivors, the discussion of past child sexual abuse (CSA) is a difficult one to have.  More often than not, these group of people wait at least five years before disclosing their traumatic story to another soul.  And, even though the abuse occurred when the victim was a child or an adolescent, the majority do not disclose until they reach their adult years.  A great part of the victim’s life has changed, and sadly enough, their struggle is one that they endure in a covert and yet, emotionally tumultuous manner.  

Family dynamics plays a big part in deciding whether or not to reveal their abuse.  Too often, sexual abuse occurs at the hands of a family member or close family friend.  This complicates matters for the CSA victim.  The young individual is greatly betrayed and can lose trust in adults.  Consequently, trust and intimacy are two valuable components that are necessary to achieve a healthy relationship.  Interpersonal relationships become compromised.  Women of CSA are more likely to be re-victimized in their adult relationships.

As the individual attempts to continue on in their day-to-day life, it becomes a struggle to juggle their secret and maintain a life that appears “normal.”  CSA victims can be affected in many ways.  Some suffer from PTSD, anxiety, or depression.  Other symptoms include hypervigilance, irritability, sleep disorders, low self-esteem, panic attacks, promiscuity, and more.  There are many challenges the victim will face.  But even more daunting, is the idea that they feel alone and misunderstood.

After years of secrecy, it can seem difficult to come out and speak about the past abuse. Seeking professional help is recommended.  Working with a therapist, the CSA survivor can make decisions on how, when, or if he or she will disclose to family or friends.  The adult survivor can begin to explore and examine the results of CSA in the safe and confidential environment of counseling.  Together, a plan can be made to help ease the process of disclosure and discover healthy ways to cope with negative thoughts and emotions.  No longer does the survivor have to walk alone.

“Hummingbird shows us how to re-visit the past for the purpose of releasing it instead of being caught in a permanently backward flight pattern. It also helps us to see that if we step aside we may see our life differently. Hummingbird teaches us to transcend time, to recognize that what has happened in the past and what might happen in the future is not nearly as important as what we are experiencing now. It teaches us to hover in the moment, to appreciate its sweetness.”

– Constance Barrett Sohodski 

Hall, M., & Hall, J. (2011). The long-term effects of childhood sexual abuse: Counseling implications. Retrieved from http://counselingoutfitters.com/vistas/vistas11/Article_19.pdf

University of Montreal. (2010, January 22). Disclosing sexual abuse is critical. ScienceDaily. Retrieved October 7, 2015 from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/01/100119121422.htm

Youth Villages. (2012, April 13). In child sexual abuse, strangers aren't the greatest danger, experts say. ScienceDaily. Retrieved October 12, 2015 from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/04/120413100854.htm