Strengthening Relationships with Apologies

A meaningful apology can significantly impact how connected we feel in our relationships. When we initiate an apology, we invite the other person to meet us with open communication. By taking ownership for our actions and initiating repairs, we send a message that it’s not about winning the argument, rather that it’s about understanding each other and prioritizing the relationship as a whole.

So why does it feel so hard sometimes? Or worse, receiving an apology that somehow escalates things further and leaves us feeling even less understood. It’s easy to convince ourselves that apologizing means admitting defeat. By not apologizing, we protect our own self-concept and feeling of autonomy and control. Apologizing requires vulnerability, which can feel like a big ask during times of conflict. Yet, a good apology can be empowering. When we take accountability for our actions, we also gain a sense of agency by witnessing our ability to handle hardship and conflict in our relationships.

Timing of the Apology

Timing is crucial for a well-delivered apology. If an apology is given too quickly, it can be perceived as superficial and insincere. So, it’s not just about the words we use when we apologize, but how and when we deliver the apology that makes the biggest impact. Studies have shown that apologies were more effective when given later rather than too soon.

It can be tempting to jump straight to saying sorry to end conflict. However, when we apologize too soon, we may actually send the message that the other person’s experience is not important, and we would rather not discuss the concerns in the relationship. We risk coming off insincere or dismissive. The person receiving the apology may not feel understood. Delaying an apology allows time for the other person to voice their feelings and clarify their perspective.

Delivery of the Apology

A good apology includes accountability without blame, deflection, or making excuses. A sincere apology prioritizes the relationship over our personal interests. Even if we don’t regret what we’ve done, or maybe we don’t feel we are in the wrong, we can still apologize for the impact and experience of the other person.

Example: You don’t invite your friend to an event you are hosting. Your friend finds out they are not invited through other people and is upset.

You may have very good reasons not to invite this friend, and yet your friend is still hurt. A sincere apology would be careful not to use language like “I’m sorry if I made you feel upset.” This essentially communicates “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

We can acknowledge that our friend is upset and likely feels left out. Your friend may respond better to something like “I’m sorry I did not discuss this with you sooner and that you found out through other people. I understand that this probably made you feel left out and maybe even embarrassed.” A good apology includes:

• Awareness of what you did

• Accountability for your behavior

• Acknowledgement of how this impacts the other person

After the Apology

After we apologize, we can give the other person an opportunity to clarify or expand on their thoughts and feelings. This is a time for us to continue listening and make sure we understand the other person’s experience. When we are apologizing, it’s important that the person receiving the apology gets the entire floor before we move on to our own perspective (at which point, we will be given the entire floor). Once things have cooled down a bit, you can ask the other person if you could share your own perspective and feelings of the situation.

Although we have the power to make an apology, the person receiving it has the choice to forgive or not to forgive. This risk of rejection may also be a reason why we find it difficult to apologize at times. If the person receiving our apology does not accept it, we may need to give the person some more time. We can also take this time to reflect and see if we may have missed understanding the other person’s experience.

Ultimately, a well delivered apology has the potential to improve communication in our relationships. Sincere apologies give us an opening to better manage conflict and feel more connected with our loved ones. It may take a few tries to get it right, and that’s okay. There is nothing wrong with taking a step back from the conversation and coming back together after having time to reflect. Afterall, one of the most healing aspects of repairs in our relationships comes from seeing each other put in the effort and take the risk of vulnerability. Even if we don’t get things exactly right, each attempt at repairing things gives us practice for next time.

Therapy Sessions| Located in Fort Worth, Texas

If you are interested in exploring and making repairs in your relationships, you can schedule a free consultation with me through the link below or email me at amy@reconnectingrelationships.com

Amy Coryell, MS, LMFT-Associate,

Supervised by Tanya Alexander, LMFT-S

Schedule with our RRT Therapist, Amy Coryell, LMFT-Associate

Research referenced in the article comes from a podcast episode of Hidden Brain called Healing 2.0: The Power of Apologies. The episode discusses how apologies not only influence our personal relationships, but also collective relationships between groups of people.

Understanding Dating in a Modern Era

The evolution of technology has allowed us to reach corners of the world that we could not imagine years ago. We are now able to connect with people from around the globe and create and maintain connections. This technology has also brought the era of dating apps and being able to find love without having to leave our homes. However, the idea of finding love through a dating app is still uncommon and may have many of us wondering how to navigate these new opportunities to find love.

Understanding Dating Apps

It has become more common for people to seek love through dating apps. Many of my clients from different age ranges have become more interested in using dating apps but have had many doubts and questions on how they work and what to expect. Society has become more accepting of this practice and opening up to the possibilities.

Some of the popular dating sites include Bumble, Hinge, or eHarmony. Each dating site has its different ways of connecting with people. For example, on Bumble the woman makes the first move on her matches. Try exploring dating apps and what their purpose is and what the majority of people on those sites seek. Also, keep in mind that some of these websites require extra memberships in order to use some of their features.

Today’s Societal Dating Norms on Online Dating

Exclusivity while online dating might not be as common due to people having the opportunity to connect and match with multiple people. I often hear clients feeling upset after they discover that their match might be seeing other people at the same time. Therefore, it might be important to understand that on online dating people are meeting with others simultaneously. What I encourage you to do is communicate clearly what you expect while dating and discuss boundaries and expectations about what each of you is looking for.

You may have heard of “ghosting” which is when a person simply disappears without communicating the reason. Oftentimes, ghosting can leave people wondering what they did wrong or struggle with the feelings of rejection. Remember that we are not in control of what others do and can only control our own actions. Focus on how you can continue to grow as you continue to meet new potential partners.

Commitment in Modern Dating

Everyone might have a different meaning of what commitment means and looks like. Some may believe that commitment is marriage, while others might believe that it is having a stable long term relationship. Regardless of the meaning you have, it is important for you and the other person to have honest discussions of your expectations and if it is time to take the relationship to the next level.

Are we ready to commit to each other? Consider these tips as you decide on taking the relationship to another level!

Curiosity

Prioritize getting to know each other and avoiding falling into assumptions. Often people come in with assumptions that get in the way of giving each other the opportunity to learn from each other. Try to be curious and explore what are each other’s interests, values, beliefs or dreams. Learning from each other can help you determine compatibility. Keep in mind that compatibility does not mean agreeing with each other but being able to accept and respect each other's view.

Transparency

Being honest and transparent can lead to increased intimacy and trust. It might not always be easy or comfortable to express your feelings or thoughts but it is helpful in building a strong foundation and connection.

Communication

In any relationship, communication is key and the foundation of a strong relationship. Healthy communication can look like validation, active listening and understanding the other person’s point of view. If in doubt, always be curious and ask the person more about what they are sharing to you.

It is always recommended to be aware of red flags and set boundaries when needed. Be careful about sharing inappropriate content as it can remain on the internet forever. Also, always try to meet your matches in a public space and let your family and friends know where you will be going in order to practice safety measures.

Therapy can also be a good way to help you discuss more about healthy relationship skills and how to navigate online dating. Our therapists in Fort Worth, TX can provide guidance on how to navigate online relationships and strengthen your confidence in seeking love online! If you are interested in further discussing dating issues with me feel free to book a session or schedule a free 15 minute consultation. You can also use the link below to learn more about me!

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Why We Fight and How to Talk About It

Relationship Therapy in Fort Worth, TX

Understanding relationship conflicts

We have all felt that feeling of deep confusion when a fight with our partner has once again landed us in the seemingly endless loop of arguing, and yet feeling like we are getting further from any sort of resolution. We find ourselves wondering how our partner keeps doing the thing that upsets us so much.

The laundry being left undone. Time at dinner spent scrolling on the phone. Past offenses left without repair. The tone of voice that implies so much more. The attacks that feel so personal, we are left feeling wounded and alone. In these all-too-familiar situations, our focus on the content of our fights often lead us stumbling into cycles of escalated and heated conflicts. We feel our body respond, our heart rates rising, and we eventually find ourselves completely drained with a feeling that the problem is beyond repair. How can we trust our relationships to be a source of support when these interactions leave us isolated and disconnected from each other? Have you ever felt the desire to be comforted by the very person who has somehow become the adversary? I know I have.

It’s probably not about the laundry

Maybe sometimes it’s about the laundry, however the content of our fights rarely communicates the deeper, unacknowledged issues we are fighting for. What we are fighting for and what we are fighting about are very different things. What we fight for are our needs, vulnerabilities, and feelings of worth. Because these things are more difficult to articulate, or maybe we don’t feel able to be vulnerable with our partner, we often blame the laundry.

When something profoundly impacts us, it is often because it echoes past experiences we’ve lived through. Our partner scrolling their phone at dinner pulls us back to a pattern we understand to be neglectful. When our partner makes time for others before us, it may trigger feelings of insecurity that we are not good enough, or that our partner doesn’t care. When these triggers build over time, we begin to view the actions of our partner through this narrow perspective. What difference would it make if we took a moment together to understand what we are fighting for?

3 common reasons for relationship conflict

Uncovering what motivates our fights to escalate gives us clarity and allows us to resolve conflict more effectively. Although there are many reasons fueling our relationship conflict, the following three often impact how we participate in our relationships.

Power and Control – Arguments about power and control may focus on how decisions are made in the relationship. Maybe decisions about parenting, how finances are managed, or what money is used to purchase. These arguments may also focus on who and when sex is initiated.

Care and Closeness – These fights often speak to how we support each other, or maybe how we communicate in the relationship. These fights are usually about feelings of rejection, abandonment, and trust.

Respect and Recognition – Fights related to respect and recognition center around receiving acknowledgement of our worth in our relationships. These arguments touch on our needs for praise over criticism—knowing that our partner knows we positively influence their lives and that we are enough.

How to talk about what really matters

There are usually many reasons behind any given fight with our partner, however, allowing these themes to be a framework for understanding our fights can dramatically shift the language we use during times of conflict and disagreement.

To get out of that loop of arguing about the same things, we must create new patterns through language to help us identify and share underlying meanings of our conflicts. Stepping out of the old way of fighting is a method of deconstructing the familiar dance of our fights and creating a new dance one movement at a time.

Fair fighting

When creating our new way of fighting, it can be helpful to first establish some “rules” during conflict. These guidelines for fighting can help establish a safe playing field for us to explore with our partner the important meanings of our arguments.

Ask yourself why you feel upset – Before bringing things up to your partner, first take a moment and ask yourself what you are feeling upset about. Are you angry about the dishes, or is it because you feel you are taking on more than your partner? Or is it because you feel your efforts go unnoticed?

One thing at a time – Stick with one topic at a time. Discussions starting about household chores and eventually turn into a laundry list of problems is more likely to become escalated.

Own your feelings – Use “I” statements when expressing how you feel (“I feel sad when my phone calls to you are ignored.” “I feel scared when you yell.”)

Discuss the issue, not the person – Problems in our relationships are more likely to be solved when we focus on the problem rather than our partner. Stay away from language that degrades your partner and criticisms that attack your partner’s character.

Listen to understand, not to respond – Listen to your partner when they speak without interrupting and try to understand their perspective, even if you disagree. This is not the time to craft your counterargument. Take turns speaking so you both have a chance to share your feelings. Setting a timer of 1-2 minutes can help with taking turns without interruption.

No yelling, no silent treatment – Although it’s easy to yell or refuse to respond, these methods typically result in escalated arguments. If the conversation is turning towards yelling or the silent treatment, consider taking a break.

Take a break – Go to bed angry! A lot of us have heard how we shouldn’t go to bed angry, but honestly, sleep might be exactly what you both need. Take a break when the conversation gets too heated. Agree on how long of a break to take or set a time to return to each other to continue the conversation.

These guidelines allow us to know what to expect when bringing up issues with our partner. This not only means we are less likely to ignore problems and let them fester away, but that we are also more likely to find resolutions and a deeper understanding of our relationships.

If you are interested in learning more about conflict resolution skills in your relationship, you can schedule a free consultation with me through the link below or via email at amy@reconnectingrelationships.com

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Couples Therapy: What is Validation and Why is it so Hard to Practice?

Couples Therapy in Fort Worth, TX

Most recently, I shared with someone that a particular situation had been frustrating for me.  I was met with reasons not to be upset.  Did this make me feel better?  No. Of course not.  Is this person a bad person?  No. Of course not. 

We may go around invalidating people and not realize it.  How many times have you heard yourself tell someone, “Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll all be fine.”  We mean well but we’re really not expressing acceptance of that person’s concern or worry about a situation when we tell them everything will be alright.  Even if we absolutely know that everything will be okay it’s best to first acknowledge the emotion they are experiencing and make sure they feel heard before moving to problem solving. 

So, what is validation?

Simply speaking, it is communicating acceptance of someone’s feelings or emotions.  However, this doesn’t mean we agree with what they say or with the action they take in response to those feelings.  Also, validating can go beyond verbalizing, it can include facial expressions, body language, and tone.  Validation is an expression of openness to hearing and attempting to understand your partner’s experience in a situation. 

Expressing validation is one of the best and hardest skills to utilize in a couple’s relationship. When we validate, we are less likely to be confronted with defensiveness which can allow us to get to working through conflict more effectively.  When a partner feels confident that their emotions will be validated then there is no need to defend their position.  Partners are able to speak more honestly and openly about their perspective which helps build trust in relationships.  But how come it’s so hard to do this?

Reasons Why Couples Struggle to Validate

• Not sure how.  Perhaps, this was a skill not modeled in their family often enough. So, it is difficult to recognize when to validate and how to respond to their partner appropriately. 

• They don’t agree with their partner’s perspective.  Some couples believe that by validating their partner’s emotion it sends the message that they agree with the thought or behavior described by their partner.

• It feels like they are giving in or losing an argument.  Again, they feel they are communicating that they agree with the partner and therefore it means giving up their own stance on the issue.  Perhaps they feel they are now to blame or feel criticized for the outcome of an event or situation.  Our need to protect our ego can be strong. 

• They experience discomfort with their partner’s emotions.  It’s uncomfortable to see your loved one in distress and making the negative feeling go away is paramount in reestablishing homeostasis.  Some couples need help with emotion regulation to help them cope with negative feelings.    

• They don’t believe they are offered validation in the relationship. Some couples keep score of what they do and do not receive.  They have a hard time expressing vulnerability.  If they don’t feel they receive validation from their partner they feel less inclined to provide it.

 As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Fort Worth, TX, I come across this issue often.  This is one of the most misunderstood and challenging conflict resolution skills to utilize in romantic relationships.  It’s really about taking the time to listen to a partner’s point of view and be able to reflect the experience without getting triggered by a partner’s perspective.  However, it is so useful in various relationships - with friends, family members, coworkers, etc. But being able to provide validation is not always an easy task. It takes time to strengthen this skill so have patience with it and extend grace to your partner if they struggle with it.

Do you struggle to validate your partner?  Which one of these reasons apply to you?  If you need help with enhancing this skill, please feel free to reach out to one of our individual or couples therapists for assistance. 

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Premarital Counseling: Before You Say "I Do"

Relationship Counseling in Fort Worth, TX

Premarital Counseling

Congratulations, you are engaged! Now what? There are many decisions to be made after becoming engaged including choosing the venue, wedding dress, guest list, budget and more. However, during the process we often do not consider the transitions that we will experience as we go from dating to being married. Many people do not know there is premarital counseling or the benefits it provides. Take a moment to reflect on your relationship and future expectations. You may also want to take a moment to reflect if there are any areas in which conflict could arise after marriage.

Why is premarital counseling in Fort Worth important?

Sometimes we believe that after marriage our partner will change and the differences we have will disappear. Unfortunately, that is often not the case and it is called denial. Through my clients in Fort Worth I have been able to witness couples who are many years into their marriage and later come into therapy still having conflict over topics that could have been resolved during premarital counseling. Premarital counseling in Fort Worth is helpful in triple checking to see if your partner is the right one for you. It provides you the space to navigate the difficult but important conversations in which your partner and you are struggling to align and agree upon. Premarital counseling can help you understand each other’s worldviews and how you can come to an agreement and be on the same page on different topics such as finances, children, careers, or religion. It can also strengthen communication skills before marriage and provide tools to use when addressing issues in the future. The reality of marriage is having to talk about even the hardest topics and working towards finding a middle ground in which both individuals can thrive. Therefore, premarital counseling can be helpful in having less surprises in the future.

What to expect from premarital counseling in Fort Worth

It is recommended to do premarital counseling for at least 8 weeks, however, it depends on the couple’s needs. Some couples even decide to do premarital counseling before becoming engaged in order to give each other time to focus and explore issues without the stress of planning a wedding at the same time. It is normal to not know what to discuss in premarital counseling on your first visit, but the therapist will help guide you through the process. Some couples come prepared with goals and issues they want to focus on such as how to interact or navigate issues with family. Other couples want to use premarital counseling as preventative care and make sure they have discussed all important issues before the wedding. Couples can also use premarital counseling as a way to take a break from wedding planning and have time for themselves as a couple. Any of these reasons are a valid reason to come to premarital counseling.

As mentioned, you can expect to discuss topics about religion, culture, sex, interacting with family and friends, parenting, holidays and finances. Not having clear expectations about topics like these can lead to conflict within your marriage. Other important areas to explore are your personalities and how they impact the relationship. Do we both feel safe and confident in having difficult conversations and tolerating differences? How do we both react to conflict? Am I able to trust my partner? The reality of marriage is that you will face disagreements and will have to talk about those issues in order to reach common ground. It is important to know how to navigate and resolve issues within your marriage.

Is premarital counseling in Fort Worth right for you?

As you decide if premarital counseling is something for you, try to ask yourself these questions as you prepare to walk down the aisle to your special someone!

● What conflicts have you had and how did you resolve them? Did they get pushed under the rug or did they get resolved? What went well and how can you continue to improve? What are we not talking about?

● Do you want children and/or how many? How do you plan to raise and educate your children? What values do you want to instill in them? Is spirituality or faith important to you? Will you want your children to be raised in your spiritual traditions or faith?

● Are you compatible with views on money? What do you both think of debt? Do you plan to have separate or joint accounts?

● What are your boundaries with relationships outside of marriage such as with coworkers or friends?

● What are your expectations on intimacy and sex? How do you want your spouse to express affection and love to you?

If you feel more curious about premarital therapy and have further questions you can schedule a free consultation or email me at lilian@reconnectingrelationships.com.

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Emotional Attunement

Couples Therapy in Fort Worth | What is emotional attunement?

Emotional attunement is the ability to know your partner on a deep emotional level, and a vital ingredient for successful relationships. It is being able to hear, see, feel, interpret, and respond to your partner, using both verbal and non-verbal communication.

Emotional attunement is often most noticeable when absent in relationships. It hurts when you take a risk to be vulnerable with your partner and are not met at the place of intimacy you had hoped for. This often leaves couples feeling misunderstood and disconnected. Genuine efforts to be recognized by your partner can start to feel hopeless. Eventually, you may even learn to stop expecting empathy and support from your partner altogether.

The lack of emotional attunement is felt profoundly when couples argue. One person wants an issue or feeling to be acknowledged, while the other person feels blamed, often ensuing in defensiveness. At this point, you both fall out of sync with each other and miss the necessary cues to remain connected during times of conflict—pushing you and your partner even further apart from each other.

How emotional attunement can help your relationship

Emotional attunement allows you to better understand your partner through body language and by assessing what is happening around them. Being able to tune into each other in this way lets you know how and when to engage with your partner. Practicing attunement supports you and your partner’s ability to anticipate each other’s needs, promoting a sense of trust, intimacy, and safety.

These skills are the foundation for which effective communication, conflict management, and intimate connection all grow. Without this foundation, many learned communication skills will fall short of success. Being emotionally attuned in your relationship fosters understanding and feelings of being known by your partner.

Practicing emotional attunement

Understand yourself. Before you can attune to others, you must first attune to yourself. This means reflecting on your own thoughts, feelings, and emotional needs. What are your triggers, and why are they triggering? How do your past experiences influence your expectations, hopes, and fears for the future? What do these things look like in terms of your relationship with your partner? Gaining insight through self-reflection not only allows you to understand your own needs, but also helps you communicate your needs to your partner.

Get curious. Attuned couples are intimately familiar with one another’s worlds—the important things about your life and the experiences that have shaped you today. Couples who are emotionally attuned make space in their minds for their relationship and remember the major events in each other’s histories. Emotionally attuned couples know each other’s aspirations in life, fears, and dreams.

Update your knowledge. Attuned couples also continue to update their information about each other as their partner’s feelings and thoughts change over time. Many people think they know everything there is to know about their partner, especially if you have been with your partner for quite some time. Early relationships are filled with novelty, curiosity, and excitement to better know the person sitting in front of you. Over time, it’s easy to make the mistake of thinking your partner has nothing new to share—that the novelty is gone. This assumption is only true if people never change! Yet, people are continuously changing through experience, reflection, and interactions. Even the person you think you know so well is still somewhat a mystery.

Try answering some of these questions about your partner and see how well you know your partner’s internal world.

• Name one of your partner’s current hobbies.

• What is your partner currently most stressed about?

• What is your partner’s biggest fear?

• How does your partner like to be comforted and soothed?

• What is your partner’s ideal job?

• Who was your partner’s childhood best friend?

• What turns your partner on sexually?

• What was your partner’s worst childhood experience?

Going over these questions together can help you both develop more details for each other’s internal worlds. However, getting to know each other intimately is an ongoing process. Your knowledge about your partner should be updated regularly by spending time together catching up on what has been happening in each other’s day-to-day.

Couples who share detailed understandings of each other are often better prepared to navigate stress and conflict. When you and your partner are aware of each other’s feelings, thoughts, and motivations, you are both less likely to be thrown off by the changes of life. The more you know about each other, the stronger your connection will feel, which better prepares your relationship to handle future challenges.

If you are interested in exploring emotional attunement in your relationship further, you can schedule a free consultation with me through the link below or via email at amy@reconnectingrelationships.com

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Marriage is Hard Work

As my wedding anniversary nears, I can remember one particular response I received when sharing the news that I was getting married.  A lady that worked in the same building as me asked, “Are you sure?” She dipped her head back and rolled her eyes regretfully as she described how marriage is a ball and chain.  I understood she meant no malice but instead was offering me portentous advice based on her own experiences.  Looking back, I’m glad I didn’t take her seriously, but it certainly opened my eyes to how some people feel about marriage. 

This November marks 22 years with my husband.  In being together this length of time, we have had our share of ups and downs.  And one thing I know for sure is marriage is hard work!  But when you hear that marriage is hard work, because I’m sure you’ve heard this pretty often, what comes to mind? And just how difficult should you expect it to be? 

Hard work means so many things.  It means not taking your relationship for granted.  It means attuning to your partner intentionally.  It means taking your partner into consideration when making big decisions and maybe even the small ones.  It means letting him or her know how much you care and appreciate them.  It means trying over and over to understand each other.

Putting in the effort to your marriage can be so rewarding.  The best way I can describe it is like getting through a tough physical workout.  At first it feels a little daunting, then you’re right in the middle of it all and gaining momentum, and when it’s over you feel proud for getting to the other side of it.  Maybe you hurt a little but you know that you’ll be stronger because of it.  So essentially what I’m saying is the kind of hard work you put into a relationship should make you feel good. 

Each partner has to be an active participant in the marriage.  I read somewhere that in successful relationships a partner must be willing to put in 100% without the expectation to receive something back.  Sound crazy?  Just think about it.  No tit for tat.  No more he said, she said.  No need to keep count. Each of you share the responsibility for the relationship fairly.  But 50/50 is no such thing!  It’s all in!

Ready to give it a real shot? Call your local therapist today!

Couples Communication: The Antidotes to The Four Horsemen

As promised, I am here to share the Antidotes to John Gottman’s Four Horsemen!  My colleague, Zully Schultz, mentioned last month in her article Couples Communication: The Four Horsemen , “…it’s normal and common for these interactions to exist within a relationship…” and “Nevertheless, those couples who thrive in marriage are the ones who practice the Antidotes most often.” 

Miscommunication can lead to conflict within a relationship which is extremely normal and practically unavoidable.  Conflict can even, at times, promote growth and understanding between couples.  To effectively manage conflict, the couple must first identify the Four Horsemen that is occurring in their communication, then they must counteract with the antidote. 

The Four Horsemen/The Antidote

Criticism/Gentle Start-Up

As Zully stated in her article, couples need to differentiate between a criticism vs a compliant.  As the criticism attacks the person, the complaint addresses the specific behavior.  “I” statements are the best way to initiate a gentle start-up.  An “I” statement should refrain from having the word “you” as that can put the partner in a one-down position.  Instead, you should express your feelings while focusing on the specific behavior.  For example, “I feel unheard when promises are not fulfilled.  I would really appreciate more follow through.”  This can help generate more empathy from the partner.

Defensiveness/Taking Responsibility

This antidote is the result of two of The Four Horsemen.  Defensiveness is typically a direct result of criticism.  When one becomes defensive, they redirect the finger they feel is pointing at them by turning it back around onto their partner.  This can then become an unhealthy cycle of defensiveness and criticism unless someone initiates change by taking responsibility for at least some of the problem. 

Contempt/Build Culture of Appreciation

Contempt brings nothing good to a relationship and should be avoided at all costs.  The antidote to contempt is to build a culture of appreciation and respect towards each other, as well as the relationship.  As a couple’s therapist, I strongly encourage all of my couples to have a nightly check-in with one another where they take 10-15 minutes a night to express things that they love and appreciate about their partner and how their partner was able to fill their love tank that day.  John Gottman also has a 5:1 ratio where there should be at least 5 positive interactions for every one negative interaction.

Stonewalling/Physiological Self-Soothing

Have you ever been in an argument with your partner and the emotions you are feeling are so overwhelming that you can no longer say or do anything?  Do you ever find your heart rate increasing during those arguments?  Timeouts are a great way to promote self-soothing while in the middle of an argument.  The timeout should last a minimum of twenty minutes as that is how long it takes our bodies to physically calm down.  During these timeouts it does not matter really what you are doing, as long as you are not focusing on the argument and what was said or what you should have replied with.  Once calm, return to the discussion in order to find the needed resolutions while focusing on implementing the other antidotes.

To truly have a happy and healthy relationship each partner needs to be committed to paying attention to the horsemen that may be creeping into their relationship and kick them out with these proven antidotes.  If you and your partner find yourselves struggling to implement these tools into your daily lives, feel free to contact us!

Couples Communication: The Four Horsemen

John Gottman, relationship guru and researcher, can predict with an astonishingly 91% accuracy rate if a marriage is headed toward divorce.  This was a surprising detail to learn in my couples training and it certainly influenced how I work with couples in counseling today. This man did 30 years of research to create and form the Gottman Method which is highly respected in the world of couples therapy. 

Today I will share one of the ways he predicts divorce using The Four Horsemen.  The Four Horsemen depict the communication styles that can be hurtful in a relationship if used too often.  I think it’s important to first understand if these types of interactions are coming into play in your relationship by being able to identify them.  Acknowledging and labeling a behavior for what it is can open your eyes to how it plays a role in the way you and your partner engage with each other. 

But don’t worry!  With each negative behavior that takes place in a relationship, there exists an Antidote to counter each Horseman.  Make sure to check back next month when our very own, Jenifer Costigan, will elaborate on those Antidotes! 

The Four Horsemen

Criticism

A partner often has the intention to bring a complaint to light but sometimes it comes out sounding hurtful or harsh.  It is good to differentiate between a criticism and a complaint.  A criticism is stating a problem but including an attack on a partner’s character trait.  So, it can sound something like, “I really wish you would use your brain before making plans with your friends.  You always do this!  I thought we were going to hang out.”  A complaint is more like, “I’m sad and disappointed that you made plans without me.  I really wish you would have checked with me first.” 

Defensiveness

This reaction is typically in response to criticism.  When someone feels attacked or criticized, they tend to want to protect themselves by providing reasons for why they said or did something.  However, this strategy often comes across as making excuses or deflecting from responsibility.  For instance, if a partner inquires about a chore left undone and the other partner responds with “Well you never do your chores when you say you will” or “I had more important things to do and if you want it done why don’t you do it yourself” those would be defensive statements.  Defensive remarks can often seem like the blame is shifted to the other partner. 

Contempt

This one is probably the most harmful of all.  Individuals who tend to express contempt to a partner have real negative thoughts and feelings about their partner.  Their verbal or nonverbal expressions communicate “I don’t like you very much, in fact, I despise you.”  Contempt is relayed through acts of sarcasm, ridiculing, mocking, and belittling.  Any action or verbal communication that displays disgust or position of superiority to a partner is considered contempt.  If partners are engaging in name calling and insult slinging, it’s a slippery slope toward a breakup or divorce. 

Stonewalling 

This behavior happens more often when a partner is feeling overwhelmed or hopeless in their relationship.  It is often seen in conjunction with criticism, defensiveness, and contempt.  An individual “checks out” as a way to disconnect from the stress of an argument.  Whether it is the intent or not, when a partner stonewalls it communicates lack of engagement or care for their partners position.  While an individual might perceive stonewalling to serve as a protective factor during conflict, it can slowly deteriorate trust and connection in a marriage. 

As a couple’s therapist, I see these styles of communication come into play between partners quite often.  Honestly, it is normal and common for these interactions to exist within a relationship, but how often are they showing up in yours?  Gottman strongly encourages a 5:1 ratio; this meaning that more often than not, we are choosing to engage with our partners in positive ways.

Nevertheless, those couples who thrive in marriage are the ones who practice the Antidotes most often.  The Antidotes are the true protective factors in a healthy relationship. So, tune back next month to learn about each Antidote so you can begin to focus on using those in your relationship!  And in the mean time, you can continue to reach out to us if you need couples counseling in the DFW area.

Telling The Children by Jerry Cosby

Once the level of suffering and pain has become intolerable, when dreams have been shattered and hope for the future has been lost, one or both of the parents may decide to divorce. Telling the children is an undertaking of great importance; lives will be changed.  After wrestling with this gut-wrenching decision to divorce, most parents desperately dread the idea of making the announcement. Some parents make the mistake of allowing the children to find out when one morning the children awake to a catastrophe - Dad and his belongings have disappeared into thin air. In any case, the children will remember this day for a lifetime and reassess the understanding of it at every stage of their development. Conversation, done fully and well, will ease the pain and comfort them.  Conversations done poorly will profoundly add to their confusion, anxiety, and pain. And this devastating conversation takes place at a time when the parents are angry, hurt, and in torment themselves. Here are several suggestions.

1.     Both parents and all the children of appropriate age should be present when communicating the decision to divorce. Do not meet with them one parent at a time as they need to see the two of you together and observe your body language and hear the inflection of your voice as each of you contributes to the discussion. Meeting with them alone invites favoritism and promotes confusion and suspicion.

2.     Speak slowly and simply.  Remember they will hear what you say, how you say it, and what you don’t say.

 3.     Choose a quiet time when you and they can have a lengthy conference without interruption. Turn off the TV, telephones, and computers. Watch out for the distractions and pressures of pending homework, business telephone calls, arriving guests, and other disturbances.

4.     Make sure that you frame the conversation as a final announcement, not a pending decision.  They will hope and fantasize that you will change your mind and will continue to do so for some years.

5.     Ask them what they understand about divorce and their friends’ experiences with it. As painful as it may be, encourage them to speak up about their fears, anger, and concerns; they may have some misconceptions that you can correct. Some children will be frozen into silence. Even so, their minds will be running at full speed. Expect that they may lie about how they feel to comfort you, especially if you have been crying during the discussion.  They may also be concerned about having little or no input into the decision-making process. Not paying enough attention to their wishes often leads to a combination of anger and powerlessness which can undermine their initiative later in life and can result in resentment that carries through deep into adulthood.

6.     Assure them that they did not cause the divorce nor can they fix it. Also, that they are still loved by both parents, that they are the best parts of the marriage, and that you will continue to take care of them until they are grown, just as you always would. 

7.     Schedule a follow-up meeting to discuss future plans after everyone has had a chance to think things over. At that meeting, promise to keep them informed with details of what’s happening currently and events that are coming.

8.     Arrange for a time to take them to the new surroundings. Remember to repeat some of the information as young minds can’t assimilate information on one or two hearings.

Knowing that this will be one of the worst days of their lives, will this plan of intelligently going through a family meeting counteract the effect of this massive disappointment for the children? No, it will not.  But, it will go far in reducing the fear, suffering, and loneliness of the crisis.

Jerry Cosby is an experienced mediator specializing in divorce who gives emphasis to the healing of the spouses and children. To find out more about his services, please visit www.texasmediationgroup.com.