As my wedding anniversary nears, I can remember one particular response I received when sharing the news that I was getting married. A lady that worked in the same building as me asked, “Are you sure?” She dipped her head back and rolled her eyes regretfully as she described how marriage is a ball and chain. I understood she meant no malice but instead was offering me portentous advice based on her own experiences. Looking back, I’m glad I didn’t take her seriously, but it certainly opened my eyes to how some people feel about marriage.
This November marks 22 years with my husband. In being together this length of time, we have had our share of ups and downs. And one thing I know for sure is marriage is hard work! But when you hear that marriage is hard work, because I’m sure you’ve heard this pretty often, what comes to mind? And just how difficult should you expect it to be?
Hard work means so many things. It means not taking your relationship for granted. It means attuning to your partner intentionally. It means taking your partner into consideration when making big decisions and maybe even the small ones. It means letting him or her know how much you care and appreciate them. It means trying over and over to understand each other.
Putting in the effort to your marriage can be so rewarding. The best way I can describe it is like getting through a tough physical workout. At first it feels a little daunting, then you’re right in the middle of it all and gaining momentum, and when it’s over you feel proud for getting to the other side of it. Maybe you hurt a little but you know that you’ll be stronger because of it. So essentially what I’m saying is the kind of hard work you put into a relationship should make you feel good.
Each partner has to be an active participant in the marriage. I read somewhere that in successful relationships a partner must be willing to put in 100% without the expectation to receive something back. Sound crazy? Just think about it. No tit for tat. No more he said, she said. No need to keep count. Each of you share the responsibility for the relationship fairly. But 50/50 is no such thing! It’s all in!
Ready to give it a real shot? Call your local therapist today!