John Gottman, relationship guru and researcher, can predict with an astonishingly 91% accuracy rate if a marriage is headed toward divorce. This was a surprising detail to learn in my couples training and it certainly influenced how I work with couples in counseling today. This man did 30 years of research to create and form the Gottman Method which is highly respected in the world of couples therapy.
Today I will share one of the ways he predicts divorce using The Four Horsemen. The Four Horsemen depict the communication styles that can be hurtful in a relationship if used too often. I think it’s important to first understand if these types of interactions are coming into play in your relationship by being able to identify them. Acknowledging and labeling a behavior for what it is can open your eyes to how it plays a role in the way you and your partner engage with each other.
But don’t worry! With each negative behavior that takes place in a relationship, there exists an Antidote to counter each Horseman. Make sure to check back next month when our very own, Jenifer Costigan, will elaborate on those Antidotes!
The Four Horsemen
Criticism
A partner often has the intention to bring a complaint to light but sometimes it comes out sounding hurtful or harsh. It is good to differentiate between a criticism and a complaint. A criticism is stating a problem but including an attack on a partner’s character trait. So, it can sound something like, “I really wish you would use your brain before making plans with your friends. You always do this! I thought we were going to hang out.” A complaint is more like, “I’m sad and disappointed that you made plans without me. I really wish you would have checked with me first.”
Defensiveness
This reaction is typically in response to criticism. When someone feels attacked or criticized, they tend to want to protect themselves by providing reasons for why they said or did something. However, this strategy often comes across as making excuses or deflecting from responsibility. For instance, if a partner inquires about a chore left undone and the other partner responds with “Well you never do your chores when you say you will” or “I had more important things to do and if you want it done why don’t you do it yourself” those would be defensive statements. Defensive remarks can often seem like the blame is shifted to the other partner.
Contempt
This one is probably the most harmful of all. Individuals who tend to express contempt to a partner have real negative thoughts and feelings about their partner. Their verbal or nonverbal expressions communicate “I don’t like you very much, in fact, I despise you.” Contempt is relayed through acts of sarcasm, ridiculing, mocking, and belittling. Any action or verbal communication that displays disgust or position of superiority to a partner is considered contempt. If partners are engaging in name calling and insult slinging, it’s a slippery slope toward a breakup or divorce.
Stonewalling
This behavior happens more often when a partner is feeling overwhelmed or hopeless in their relationship. It is often seen in conjunction with criticism, defensiveness, and contempt. An individual “checks out” as a way to disconnect from the stress of an argument. Whether it is the intent or not, when a partner stonewalls it communicates lack of engagement or care for their partners position. While an individual might perceive stonewalling to serve as a protective factor during conflict, it can slowly deteriorate trust and connection in a marriage.
As a couple’s therapist, I see these styles of communication come into play between partners quite often. Honestly, it is normal and common for these interactions to exist within a relationship, but how often are they showing up in yours? Gottman strongly encourages a 5:1 ratio; this meaning that more often than not, we are choosing to engage with our partners in positive ways.
Nevertheless, those couples who thrive in marriage are the ones who practice the Antidotes most often. The Antidotes are the true protective factors in a healthy relationship. So, tune back next month to learn about each Antidote so you can begin to focus on using those in your relationship! And in the mean time, you can continue to reach out to us if you need couples counseling in the DFW area.