Can you remember the last time your partner made a positive comment about you? Or do you feel regularly criticized by your partner instead? When negative interactions outweigh the positive ones in your relationship it may be hard to even recall the positive qualities in your partner. Although there are no quick fixes to ensure you will live a fairy tale relationship with only positive interactions with your partner, there is a strategy I will discuss in this post that can lead to a happier, more stable and connected relationship.
Dr. John Gottman, researcher and clinical psychologist, has studied couples for many years to find out what makes marriages successful or end in divorce. He found that expressing fondness, encouragement, and admiration toward one another could go a long way in maintaining a strong marital relationship. This may seem obvious, but in addition he found that happy and stable couples share more positive feelings and actions than negatives ones even when facing conflict. Happy and stable couples may continue to experience some negative interactions, yet the key is in the balance. According to Gottman, the magic ratio is 5 to 1. This means that for every 1 negative feeling or interaction between partners, there must be 5 positive feelings or interactions.
So if you feel that your relationship is not practicing the magic ratio, here are some things to help you start increasing positive feelings or interactions.
Show Affection
Hold hands, hug, kiss
Offer a back rub or foot rub
Sit together while watching TV
Say “I love you”
Show care and concern
Buy your partner his or her favorite dessert while out on an errand
Write a short email, send a card, or a thoughtful text message to your partner
Write a note of encouragement
Let your partner know it matters to you when they are concerned
Example: “it sounds like you had a really rough day at work today.”
Show thankfulness
Recall and share with your partner ways that they have been helpful or caring
Thank him or her for what he or she does for you
Compliment your partner
Point out positive qualities you genuinely appreciate and admire
Listen to understand
Be aware of your verbal and non verbal expressions when listening to your partner
Example: nodding your head and maintaining eye contact
Tell your partner how you understand his or her perspective
Listen carefully and completely to your partner before commenting
Avoid providing advice too quickly, listen completely first
Be respectful
Acknowledge your partner’s opinion and let them know you think it is important
Avoid name calling or being sarcastic towards your partner’s comments
Be open minded with your partner even when you do not agree
Lighten up!
Be playful
Engage in activities in where you both can laugh
Joke around with each other, but avoid jokes that are sarcastic or hostile towards your partner
Share memories with your partner about when you first met
Share your feelings with your partner when you feel good or happy, especially when they have been brought up by your partner
Aim for the magic ratio and watch your relationship blossom!