Power of Personal Narratives
Personal narratives are the stories we tell ourselves and others about who we are. These stories help us make meaning of our experiences, as well as our relationships with others. Personal narratives can shape our identities, influence our behaviors, and guide how we make decisions. By outlining our understanding of the past, present, and future, narratives play a powerful role in our lives. These stories give our existence meaning, create continuity in our lives, and give us a way to understand both our challenges and successes in life.
Not only do we create narratives about ourselves, but we also create stories about others and our relationships. Additionally, the stories others tell of us also mold our identities, as we often internalize the stories and expectations of others, whether positive or negative. These external narratives can shape self-esteem, influence behavior, and alter how we perceive our significance. When others label us—whether as capable, lazy, or flawed—we may unknowingly adopt these labels and embody these roles as our own.
Narratives in Relationships
Collective narratives in relationships, such as stories of overcoming challenges together or celebrating shared accomplishments, can create a sense of unity and mutual support. For example, recalling how we navigated challenges in our relationship can strengthen messages of commitment and trust. Storytelling can also communicate love and help us maintain intimacy. Reflecting with our partner on how we met, or the details of our first date, can help rekindle feelings of closeness.
When we allow negative narratives to dominate our relationships, such as believing someone is always untrustworthy or that “nothing ever changes,” communication slowly erodes and creates disconnection. Stories stuck in a problem perspective can limit growth of the relationship, foster resentment, and prevent us from seeing potential or understanding the intentions of our loved ones.
These problem-saturated stories can reinforce negative cycles by limiting our view of each other to our moments of shortcomings. When we view others and our relationships through a lens of problem-saturated narratives, we tend to look for the times and interactions that support our negative assumptions. This inevitably leaves little room for us to recognize moments of connection and growth in our relationships, even possibly preventing desired change to take place in the relationship.
Shifting Narratives for Growth
Even in the most problem-focused stories, we have the power to edit the narratives of our life. We can do this by actively seeking to identify moments of growth and connection. Practicing empathy, discussing relationship concerns openly, and celebrating progress with our loved ones can help us create more narratives of connection and growth. Regularly reflecting on progress with our loved ones allows us to articulate and understand what efforts have been working and what these changes mean to us.
Here are some questions to reflect on and help create a new relationship story:
What are the stories you tell about how you and your partner met? What attracted you to each other?
What challenges have you faced as a couple? How has your relationship grown from these challenges?
What narrative do you hold about how you handle conflict? What are some examples of times you both have handled conflict well? What did you learn about your partner as a result?
How do you talk about your joint successes as a couple? How do successes as a couple reflect the ways you both support each other?
Where is your story taking you both in the future? What shared goals and values will guide you two to your future together?
Amy Coryell, LMFT-Associate, Supervised by Tanya Alexander, LMFT-S
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If you are interested in further exploring this topic in your relationships, you can schedule a free consultation with Amy through the link below or email her at amy@reconnectingrelationships.com