Being Highly Sensitive: What Does It Mean?

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Therapy in Fort Worth, TX

Understanding a Highly Sensitive Person

Have you ever been told you’re very sensitive or emotional?  Have you noticed feeling exhausted or overwhelmed after attending large events with loud noise and crowded areas, like weddings or concerts? Are you able to pick up on subtleties in your environment or how someone is feeling just by looking at them?  You may be one of the 15-20% of the population that meets criteria for the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) trait!

The HSP trait is not a diagnosable condition in the psychology world.  It is a specific set of personality traits, with these traits being both genetically inherited and shaped by our life experiences. While it is not uncommon for people with depression or anxiety to meet criteria for the highly sensitive trait, the two are not exclusive- you can have one and not the other!

Finding out you’re highly sensitive can be a confusing and even a scary moment.  What does it mean to be highly sensitive?  According to Dr. Elaine Aron, author of “The Highly Sensitive Person”, the highly sensitive trait could better be described as “sensory processing sensitivity”.  Everyone gathers and interprets information from the world, but HSPs are significantly more perceptive to their surroundings. Our senses even pick up on subtleties in our interactions with others in social situations.  A great way I’ve heard it described is, “HSP’s not only focus on what’s being said- they also pick up on what’s being unsaid”.  We pick up on body language and facial expressions faster and more intensely than non-HSPs. 

Strengths You May have If You’re a Highly Sensitive Person

“This sounds exhausting”, you may be thinking.  Sometimes it is! HSPs often need time alone to recharge and recenter, especially after large social gatherings or busy weeks at work.  However, there are many positives to having this trait! Some include:

  • High levels of empathy.  We automatically put ourselves in other people’s situations and feel what they’re feeling.  This makes us naturally compassionate or nurturing friends and partners!

  • Highly perceptive.  We can quickly determine someone’s emotional state and what they need in that moment from us, usually from body language or facial expression alone.

  • Increased attention to detail.  We easily catch small mistakes on work or life projects. If you need a paper to be read over and edited, an HSP would be a great person to do so! 

  • Excellent hosts/hostesses.  HSPs can often tell what someone needs to make them more comfortable in their environment, like lowering the lights or turning down music or TV.

  • Lovers of the arts.  Our high sensitivity makes us great friends to take along to concerts or museums. We are very moved by our favorite artists and musicians, often listening to music whenever we can.

Myths of a Highly Sensitive Person |Find a Therapist in Fort Worth, TX

Being highly sensitive can come with some stigma from those who don’t completely understand the meaning “sensitive”.  When most people hear “This person is sensitive”, they usually think of someone who gets offended or upset very easily.  This is a common myth of highly sensitive people. Remember, sensitivity refers to our brain’s way of processing information, not necessarily our entire personality.  Here are a few other common myths of the highly sensitive person:

  • We’re extreme introverts/”antisocial”.  Being an introvert is common in HSPs, but it is not a prerequisite! The majority of HSPs enjoy spending time with friends and loved ones just as much as a typical extrovert.  HSPs just tend to feel higher levels of social fatigue after big events, meaning they need more time to unwind and relax before they’re ready to go to another big social gathering.

  • Being highly sensitive is bad, annoying, or unhelpful.  Quite the opposite! We are very empathetic, compassionate, and intuitive. We’re highly observant to the world around us, particularly those we love.

  • HSPs only think with their emotions, not with logic.  While we do tend to sway more to feeling rather than thinking, that doesn’t mean we don’t think at all.  HSPs use logic every day through critical thinking to problem solve.  The vast majority of HSPs don’t let their emotions run the show, because if we did, we know we would wear ourselves out! HSPs use logic and critical thinking along with how they’re feeling and what they think is the right and wrong things to do in any given situation.  Keep in mind, emotions help us learn.  If we didn’t have emotions, we would most likely be dead! Emotions are stored in our amygdala, an area of our brain’s limbic system housed just above our cerebellum. While the amygdala is our emotion center, it also plays a major role in sensing danger.  If a fire were to start in your office, the amygdala would alert your nervous system that something is wrong.  You would feel several emotions, like fear, shock, and panic.  Your nervous system would respond accordingly, beginning the “fight or flight” process of getting your body ready to fight the threat or run away.  All of this happens within half a millisecond!

Self-care for HSPs | Counseling in Fort Worth

Now that we have covered the HSP basics, let’s talk about self-care.  Everyone needs to practice self-care to keep ourselves happy and healthy, but it’s especially important for those that are highly sensitive.  Our compassionate demeanor often has us overextending ourselves for others, whether it’s clients from work, friends, family, etc.  When we don’t refill our emotional battery, it is very easy for us to burn out and experience feelings of apathy or depression.  What are some good ways to re-center and ground us after an emotionally exhausting day? Here are some ideas:

  • Practice guided breathing.  Our bodies immediately respond to increased oxygen intake, which helps our nervous system return to baseline and out of “work stress” mode.  Practice breathing in deeply for four counts, holding for four counts, and exhaling for four counts (what I call the square breath)!

  • Keep your body moving.  Walking, running, yoga, pilates, hiking… Whatever calls to you the most! So long as you are getting at least 30 minutes of aerobic exercise 3 times a week.  Regular exercise can help regulate our emotion system and increase our stress management.

  • Journal your feelings.  Sometimes it’s helpful to “word vomit” onto a word document or in a notebook to lay out and process feelings from the day. 

  • Create and implement a solid bedtime routine.  Another part of self-care is making sure we’re getting adequate sleep!  Think about things you usually do before bed- Washing your face, brushing your teeth, and changing into your comfy pants are a given, but what else could you begin doing to help wind down?  I’ve had many people share what works for them, including taking a warm bath, reading a book before bed rather than watching TV (we should be avoiding all screens 30 minutes before bedtime), and listening to relaxing music are all great options to add to your nightly routine.  The more you stick to the routine, the easier it will be to fall asleep and stay asleep due to your brain and body picking up on “cues”, such as beginning to release melatonin when getting into a nightly bath.

  • Do things you enjoy! Read, paint, draw, build legos, do whatever hobby makes you feel good and fulfilled.  Connect with friends or go on a walk around the neighborhood with your spouse. Watch a funny movie or your favorite show!

If you think you’re highly sensitive, you may be wondering what that means for you and what to do next.  While counseling certainly isn’t required, it could be helpful to have a professional help you navigate through these feelings and give you tools to provide more insight and validation for your experience.  There are also many resources regarding HSP, most notably Dr. Elaine Aron’s book I mentioned earlier. “The Highly Sensitive Person” explains this personality trait with real-life case studies from Dr. Aron’s counseling experiences.

Do you think you may be highly sensitive or know someone who is?  If you search for “Highly Sensitive Person quiz”, you can find a free test to determine if you have this special trait! Or you can join me on my podcast, “The Highly Sensitive Podcast”, dedicated to HSPs and how to navigate through stress, struggles, and loud noises! If you would like to go further and address this topic with me, you can schedule a free consultation or email me at kate@reconnectingrelationships.com

Take good care of yourself and be well!

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Why We Fight and How to Talk About It

Relationship Therapy in Fort Worth, TX

Understanding relationship conflicts

We have all felt that feeling of deep confusion when a fight with our partner has once again landed us in the seemingly endless loop of arguing, and yet feeling like we are getting further from any sort of resolution. We find ourselves wondering how our partner keeps doing the thing that upsets us so much.

The laundry being left undone. Time at dinner spent scrolling on the phone. Past offenses left without repair. The tone of voice that implies so much more. The attacks that feel so personal, we are left feeling wounded and alone. In these all-too-familiar situations, our focus on the content of our fights often lead us stumbling into cycles of escalated and heated conflicts. We feel our body respond, our heart rates rising, and we eventually find ourselves completely drained with a feeling that the problem is beyond repair. How can we trust our relationships to be a source of support when these interactions leave us isolated and disconnected from each other? Have you ever felt the desire to be comforted by the very person who has somehow become the adversary? I know I have.

It’s probably not about the laundry

Maybe sometimes it’s about the laundry, however the content of our fights rarely communicates the deeper, unacknowledged issues we are fighting for. What we are fighting for and what we are fighting about are very different things. What we fight for are our needs, vulnerabilities, and feelings of worth. Because these things are more difficult to articulate, or maybe we don’t feel able to be vulnerable with our partner, we often blame the laundry.

When something profoundly impacts us, it is often because it echoes past experiences we’ve lived through. Our partner scrolling their phone at dinner pulls us back to a pattern we understand to be neglectful. When our partner makes time for others before us, it may trigger feelings of insecurity that we are not good enough, or that our partner doesn’t care. When these triggers build over time, we begin to view the actions of our partner through this narrow perspective. What difference would it make if we took a moment together to understand what we are fighting for?

3 common reasons for relationship conflict

Uncovering what motivates our fights to escalate gives us clarity and allows us to resolve conflict more effectively. Although there are many reasons fueling our relationship conflict, the following three often impact how we participate in our relationships.

Power and Control – Arguments about power and control may focus on how decisions are made in the relationship. Maybe decisions about parenting, how finances are managed, or what money is used to purchase. These arguments may also focus on who and when sex is initiated.

Care and Closeness – These fights often speak to how we support each other, or maybe how we communicate in the relationship. These fights are usually about feelings of rejection, abandonment, and trust.

Respect and Recognition – Fights related to respect and recognition center around receiving acknowledgement of our worth in our relationships. These arguments touch on our needs for praise over criticism—knowing that our partner knows we positively influence their lives and that we are enough.

How to talk about what really matters

There are usually many reasons behind any given fight with our partner, however, allowing these themes to be a framework for understanding our fights can dramatically shift the language we use during times of conflict and disagreement.

To get out of that loop of arguing about the same things, we must create new patterns through language to help us identify and share underlying meanings of our conflicts. Stepping out of the old way of fighting is a method of deconstructing the familiar dance of our fights and creating a new dance one movement at a time.

Fair fighting

When creating our new way of fighting, it can be helpful to first establish some “rules” during conflict. These guidelines for fighting can help establish a safe playing field for us to explore with our partner the important meanings of our arguments.

Ask yourself why you feel upset – Before bringing things up to your partner, first take a moment and ask yourself what you are feeling upset about. Are you angry about the dishes, or is it because you feel you are taking on more than your partner? Or is it because you feel your efforts go unnoticed?

One thing at a time – Stick with one topic at a time. Discussions starting about household chores and eventually turn into a laundry list of problems is more likely to become escalated.

Own your feelings – Use “I” statements when expressing how you feel (“I feel sad when my phone calls to you are ignored.” “I feel scared when you yell.”)

Discuss the issue, not the person – Problems in our relationships are more likely to be solved when we focus on the problem rather than our partner. Stay away from language that degrades your partner and criticisms that attack your partner’s character.

Listen to understand, not to respond – Listen to your partner when they speak without interrupting and try to understand their perspective, even if you disagree. This is not the time to craft your counterargument. Take turns speaking so you both have a chance to share your feelings. Setting a timer of 1-2 minutes can help with taking turns without interruption.

No yelling, no silent treatment – Although it’s easy to yell or refuse to respond, these methods typically result in escalated arguments. If the conversation is turning towards yelling or the silent treatment, consider taking a break.

Take a break – Go to bed angry! A lot of us have heard how we shouldn’t go to bed angry, but honestly, sleep might be exactly what you both need. Take a break when the conversation gets too heated. Agree on how long of a break to take or set a time to return to each other to continue the conversation.

These guidelines allow us to know what to expect when bringing up issues with our partner. This not only means we are less likely to ignore problems and let them fester away, but that we are also more likely to find resolutions and a deeper understanding of our relationships.

If you are interested in learning more about conflict resolution skills in your relationship, you can schedule a free consultation with me through the link below or via email at amy@reconnectingrelationships.com

Schedule with Amy

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Couples Therapy: What is Validation and Why is it so Hard to Practice?

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Couples Therapy in Fort Worth, TX

Most recently, I shared with someone that a particular situation had been frustrating for me.  I was met with reasons not to be upset.  Did this make me feel better?  No. Of course not.  Is this person a bad person?  No. Of course not. 

We may go around invalidating people and not realize it.  How many times have you heard yourself tell someone, “Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll all be fine.”  We mean well but we’re really not expressing acceptance of that person’s concern or worry about a situation when we tell them everything will be alright.  Even if we absolutely know that everything will be okay it’s best to first acknowledge the emotion they are experiencing and make sure they feel heard before moving to problem solving. 

So, what is validation?

Simply speaking, it is communicating acceptance of someone’s feelings or emotions.  However, this doesn’t mean we agree with what they say or with the action they take in response to those feelings.  Also, validating can go beyond verbalizing, it can include facial expressions, body language, and tone.  Validation is an expression of openness to hearing and attempting to understand your partner’s experience in a situation. 

Expressing validation is one of the best and hardest skills to utilize in a couple’s relationship. When we validate, we are less likely to be confronted with defensiveness which can allow us to get to working through conflict more effectively.  When a partner feels confident that their emotions will be validated then there is no need to defend their position.  Partners are able to speak more honestly and openly about their perspective which helps build trust in relationships.  But how come it’s so hard to do this?

Reasons Why Couples Struggle to Validate

  • Not sure how.  Perhaps, this was a skill not modeled in their family often enough. So, it is difficult to recognize when to validate and how to respond to their partner appropriately. 

  • They don’t agree with their partner’s perspective.  Some couples believe that by validating their partner’s emotion it sends the message that they agree with the thought or behavior described by their partner.

  • It feels like they are giving in or losing an argument.  Again, they feel they are communicating that they agree with the partner and therefore it means giving up their own stance on the issue.  Perhaps they feel they are now to blame or feel criticized for the outcome of an event or situation.  Our need to protect our ego can be strong. 

  • They experience discomfort with their partner’s emotions.  It’s uncomfortable to see your loved one in distress and making the negative feeling go away is paramount in reestablishing homeostasis.  Some couples need help with emotion regulation to help them cope with negative feelings.    

  • They don’t believe they are offered validation in the relationship. Some couples keep score of what they do and do not receive.  They have a hard time expressing vulnerability.  If they don’t feel they receive validation from their partner they feel less inclined to provide it.

 As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Fort Worth, TX, I come across this issue often.  This is one of the most misunderstood and challenging conflict resolution skills to utilize in romantic relationships.  It’s really about taking the time to listen to a partner’s point of view and be able to reflect the experience without getting triggered by a partner’s perspective.  However, it is so useful in various relationships - with friends, family members, coworkers, etc. But being able to provide validation is not always an easy task. It takes time to strengthen this skill so have patience with it and extend grace to your partner if they struggle with it.

Do you struggle to validate your partner?  Which one of these reasons apply to you?  If you need help with enhancing this skill, please feel free to reach out to one of our individual or couples therapists for assistance. 

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Premarital Counseling: Before You Say "I Do"

Relationship Counseling in Fort Worth, TX

Premarital Counseling

Congratulations, you are engaged! Now what? There are many decisions to be made after becoming engaged including choosing the venue, wedding dress, guest list, budget and more. However, during the process we often do not consider the transitions that we will experience as we go from dating to being married. Many people do not know there is premarital counseling or the benefits it provides. Take a moment to reflect on your relationship and future expectations. You may also want to take a moment to reflect if there are any areas in which conflict could arise after marriage.

Why is premarital counseling in Fort Worth important?

Sometimes we believe that after marriage our partner will change and the differences we have will disappear. Unfortunately, that is often not the case and it is called denial. Through my clients in Fort Worth I have been able to witness couples who are many years into their marriage and later come into therapy still having conflict over topics that could have been resolved during premarital counseling. Premarital counseling in Fort Worth is helpful in triple checking to see if your partner is the right one for you. It provides you the space to navigate the difficult but important conversations in which your partner and you are struggling to align and agree upon. Premarital counseling can help you understand each other’s worldviews and how you can come to an agreement and be on the same page on different topics such as finances, children, careers, or religion. It can also strengthen communication skills before marriage and provide tools to use when addressing issues in the future. The reality of marriage is having to talk about even the hardest topics and working towards finding a middle ground in which both individuals can thrive. Therefore, premarital counseling can be helpful in having less surprises in the future.

What to expect from premarital counseling in Fort Worth

It is recommended to do premarital counseling for at least 8 weeks, however, it depends on the couple’s needs. Some couples even decide to do premarital counseling before becoming engaged in order to give each other time to focus and explore issues without the stress of planning a wedding at the same time. It is normal to not know what to discuss in premarital counseling on your first visit, but the therapist will help guide you through the process. Some couples come prepared with goals and issues they want to focus on such as how to interact or navigate issues with family. Other couples want to use premarital counseling as preventative care and make sure they have discussed all important issues before the wedding. Couples can also use premarital counseling as a way to take a break from wedding planning and have time for themselves as a couple. Any of these reasons are a valid reason to come to premarital counseling.

As mentioned, you can expect to discuss topics about religion, culture, sex, interacting with family and friends, parenting, holidays and finances. Not having clear expectations about topics like these can lead to conflict within your marriage. Other important areas to explore are your personalities and how they impact the relationship. Do we both feel safe and confident in having difficult conversations and tolerating differences? How do we both react to conflict? Am I able to trust my partner? The reality of marriage is that you will face disagreements and will have to talk about those issues in order to reach common ground. It is important to know how to navigate and resolve issues within your marriage.

Is premarital counseling in Fort Worth right for you?

As you decide if premarital counseling is something for you, try to ask yourself these questions as you prepare to walk down the aisle to your special someone!

● What conflicts have you had and how did you resolve them? Did they get pushed under the rug or did they get resolved? What went well and how can you continue to improve? What are we not talking about?

● Do you want children and/or how many? How do you plan to raise and educate your children? What values do you want to instill in them? Is spirituality or faith important to you? Will you want your children to be raised in your spiritual traditions or faith?

● Are you compatible with views on money? What do you both think of debt? Do you plan to have separate or joint accounts?

● What are your boundaries with relationships outside of marriage such as with coworkers or friends?

● What are your expectations on intimacy and sex? How do you want your spouse to express affection and love to you?

If you feel more curious about premarital therapy and have further questions you can schedule a free consultation or email me at lilian@reconnectingrelationships.com.

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Debunking Myths About Affairs: Understanding the Realities of Infidelity

Relationship Therapy in Fort Worth Texas

Understanding Affairs

When it comes to relationships, few topics evoke as much fear and fascination as affairs. Somewhere between the flood of emotions and assumptions, myths often cloud our understanding of this complex issue. As a couple’s therapist, I’ve found numerous instances where understanding and debunking these myths have been crucial in guiding couples towards healing and reconciliation. Let’s talk about some common misconceptions about affairs and the truths behind them.

Myth #1: Affairs are solely motivated by dissatisfaction in the primary relationship.

Reality: While dissatisfaction can contribute to infidelity, affairs are often multilayered. According to research from the Gottman Institute, factors such as individual vulnerabilities, opportunities, and external stressors also play significant roles. Understanding these factors is crucial for addressing the underlying issues that motivated the affair and explore what areas need to be addressed in order to rebuild trust.

Myth #2: People who have affairs are unfaithful or immoral.

Reality: Human behavior is rarely black and white. Many individuals who engage in affairs are not naturally unfaithful but may find themselves in situations where boundaries became blurred. Research from the Gottman Institute suggests that nurturing open communication and strengthening emotional connections within relationships can decrease the risk of infidelity.

Myth #3: Affairs inevitably lead to the end of a relationship.

Reality: While affairs can strain relationships, they don’t always spell doom. In a study from Divorce Mediation Project, 80% of divorced men and women cited growing apart and a loss of closeness to their partner as the reason for divorce. With dedication, couples can overcome infidelity and build a stronger relationship. Since affairs can be such a painful experience, having professional help is essential in creating a safe space for both partner’s to explore their feelings, vulnerabilities, and needs without judgment.

Myth #4: Only unhappy or dysfunctional couples experience affairs.

Reality: Infidelity can occur in seemingly happy relationships too. Human emotions are complicated, so even individuals who seem happy can give in to temptation under certain circumstances. Recognizing the potential for vulnerability in any relationship and prioritizing preventive measures can help protect relationships.

Myth #5: Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Reality: While patterns of behavior can be difficult to break, individuals are capable of change. Key steps for someone who has betrayed their partner is their introspection, accountability, and willingness to address underlying issues to break destructive cycles.

By debunking these myths, my hope is that you will consider the complexities surrounding affairs. For those who have been cheated on, it’s crucial that your pain be acknowledged and validated, you need that to even consider to trust again. If you have cheated, don’t let that decision define you but use it as a springboard to the relationship you deserve.

I’m grateful to have witnessed the courage of my clients to address their affairs and commit in rebuilding their relationship on a foundation of honesty, trust, and mutual respect. At our practice, we strive to support individuals and couples dealing with infidelity. We remember to approach the topic with sensitivity, recognizing the profound impact it has on the lives of those involved. Through empathy and education, we can debunk myths, reduce stigma, and foster healing in the realm of couples therapy.

If you are interested in addressing complications stemming from infidelity in your relationship, you can schedule an appointment or free consultation with one of our couples therapists.

Affairs are painful. Relationship Therapy in Fort Worth can help.

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Emotional Attunement

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Couples Therapy in Fort Worth | What is emotional attunement?

Emotional attunement is the ability to know your partner on a deep emotional level, and a vital ingredient for successful relationships. It is being able to hear, see, feel, interpret, and respond to your partner, using both verbal and non-verbal communication.

Emotional attunement is often most noticeable when absent in relationships. It hurts when you take a risk to be vulnerable with your partner and are not met at the place of intimacy you had hoped for. This often leaves couples feeling misunderstood and disconnected. Genuine efforts to be recognized by your partner can start to feel hopeless. Eventually, you may even learn to stop expecting empathy and support from your partner altogether.

The lack of emotional attunement is felt profoundly when couples argue. One person wants an issue or feeling to be acknowledged, while the other person feels blamed, often ensuing in defensiveness. At this point, you both fall out of sync with each other and miss the necessary cues to remain connected during times of conflict—pushing you and your partner even further apart from each other.

How emotional attunement can help your relationship

Emotional attunement allows you to better understand your partner through body language and by assessing what is happening around them. Being able to tune into each other in this way lets you know how and when to engage with your partner. Practicing attunement supports you and your partner’s ability to anticipate each other’s needs, promoting a sense of trust, intimacy, and safety.

These skills are the foundation for which effective communication, conflict management, and intimate connection all grow. Without this foundation, many learned communication skills will fall short of success. Being emotionally attuned in your relationship fosters understanding and feelings of being known by your partner.

Practicing emotional attunement

Understand yourself. Before you can attune to others, you must first attune to yourself. This means reflecting on your own thoughts, feelings, and emotional needs. What are your triggers, and why are they triggering? How do your past experiences influence your expectations, hopes, and fears for the future? What do these things look like in terms of your relationship with your partner? Gaining insight through self-reflection not only allows you to understand your own needs, but also helps you communicate your needs to your partner.

Get curious. Attuned couples are intimately familiar with one another’s worlds—the important things about your life and the experiences that have shaped you today. Couples who are emotionally attuned make space in their minds for their relationship and remember the major events in each other’s histories. Emotionally attuned couples know each other’s aspirations in life, fears, and dreams.

Update your knowledge. Attuned couples also continue to update their information about each other as their partner’s feelings and thoughts change over time. Many people think they know everything there is to know about their partner, especially if you have been with your partner for quite some time. Early relationships are filled with novelty, curiosity, and excitement to better know the person sitting in front of you. Over time, it’s easy to make the mistake of thinking your partner has nothing new to share—that the novelty is gone. This assumption is only true if people never change! Yet, people are continuously changing through experience, reflection, and interactions. Even the person you think you know so well is still somewhat a mystery.

Try answering some of these questions about your partner and see how well you know your partner’s internal world.

  • Name one of your partner’s current hobbies.

  • What is your partner currently most stressed about?

  • What is your partner’s biggest fear?

  • How does your partner like to be comforted and soothed?

  • What is your partner’s ideal job?

  • Who was your partner’s childhood best friend?

  • What turns your partner on sexually?

  • What was your partner’s worst childhood experience?

Going over these questions together can help you both develop more details for each other’s internal worlds. However, getting to know each other intimately is an ongoing process. Your knowledge about your partner should be updated regularly by spending time together catching up on what has been happening in each other’s day-to-day.

Couples who share detailed understandings of each other are often better prepared to navigate stress and conflict. When you and your partner are aware of each other’s feelings, thoughts, and motivations, you are both less likely to be thrown off by the changes of life. The more you know about each other, the stronger your connection will feel, which better prepares your relationship to handle future challenges.

If you are interested in exploring emotional attunement in your relationship further, you can schedule a free consultation with me through the link below or via email at amy@reconnectingrelationships.com

Interested in understanding your partner better? Relationship Therapy in Fort Worth can help.

Finding the Healing Part in Psychotherapy

Individual Therapy in Fort Worth | Therapy for Healing

One of the things I have been interested in since I joined this field is working with people who are struggling with medical complications. A medical complication can be sudden, diagnosed in a routine checkup with your physician. Some of the common diagnoses in such routine checkups are diabetes, thyroid issues, hypertension, respiratory disease, heart disease, and high cholesterol. Don’t feel frightened if you didn’t see your medical condition listed. There is a place for all in therapy! One question I get a lot when I tell someone I specialize working with individuals with medical complications is, “How do you cure a medical issue with psychotherapy?” I do not advertise psychotherapy being a cure for medical issues. I do, however, look at how we can verbalize the anxiety and stress that comes with these complications. For example, did you know it is common for people with diabetes to suffer from nightmares if untreated? This is one area psychotherapy can help. I help the individual look at the underlying emotional state of bearing health issues.

Poor Mental Health Can Take a Physical Toll

Medical complications can take a toll in many areas of your life. One important area is your mental health. If your mental health has declined, then other areas take a toll as well: job performance, family conflicts, sleep patterns, alcohol consumption, and much more. In therapy, together with the client, we look closely at what areas of your life are being harmed. We look at creative ways you can manage whatever is happening biologically. Internally we carry these different kinds of emotions that happen so fast we don’t realize their influence on the body. If we can look at these internal drives then perhaps we can manage symptoms of hypertension, weight issues, high blood sugar, or even diet and medication management. For instance, it is hard to regulate sugar intake when a person is in a repeated pattern of alcohol use or sleep issues. We crave more sugar under these circumstances.

It is common to feel vulnerable when addressing these issues in therapy. It is uncomfortable for most because verbalizing this in therapy comes with a kind of fear of not being in control. No one wants to feel they are not in control. You will find support in therapy in managing stress, anxiety, and other emotional issues related to health conditions. If this resonates with you, do not feel shame for asking for help.

Understanding Grief with Continuing Bonds 

Healing from Grief

Processing Grief Through Therapy | Grief Therapy in Fort Worth, Texas

The death of a loved one is something we all eventually endure, and it will likely be one of the most difficult experiences of life. If you’ve lost a meaningful person in your lifetime, you’ve probably noticed the language used to talk about grief and mourning is focused on “saying goodbye,” or “moving on.” Conversations surrounding grief, bereavement, and mourning often speak to the Stages of Grief, the types of grief, and endless grief recovery resources. Although this information may be helpful to some, it doesn’t always recognize grief and mourning as an ongoing process in our lives. To clarify, I don’t say this to mean the pain we feel does not change over time. In fact, in my own experience, the pain felt after loss ebbs and flows with me through my many transitions. 

Experiencing Grief Through Continuing Bonds

Continuing bonds (CB) is a grief concept that embraces a continued relationship with the deceased in an adapted way. CB acknowledges the ongoing process of grief throughout life and establishes clarity in the many ways we experience grief. 

[Note: Continuing a relationship with deceased loved ones may not feel right for everyone, and that is also perfectly fine! There are also some cases where continuing bonds with the deceased does not move towards healing. Troublesome relationships before death may continue to be difficult following death.]

CB proposes our relationships with our deceased loved ones are not fixed, instead, they frequently develop and age with us through our many seasons of life. We will likely relate to our deceased loved ones differently in our 30s, 40s, and 50s. 

If you have experienced the death of a loved one, you have probably already engaged in at least some ways of continuing bonds! Many grieving people will perform private rituals, have conversations with the deceased, or hold onto personal items of their loved ones. These are just some of the ways we continue bonds with our loved ones. 

Unfortunately, many of these behaviors have been deemed pathological, suggesting something must be wrong with the grieving person. Because of this, grieving people may doubt their behaviors, or the grieving behaviors of others, and question if they are “normal.” Many grieving people may even further disconnect from support due to fear of judgment, or the thought that they are “failing” at grieving. If this feels familiar, you may be happy to hear these behaviors are not only common, but they also seem to promote a person’s ability to cope with loss and adjust to significant changes in life. 

Continuing Bonds for the Future

The idea of CB may not be universally valued among our society’s attitudes towards grief. It may not even be accepted in our own beliefs about death and grief. Yet, there is hope! Sharing the ideas of CB with others gives us opportunity to alter our interactions and understandings towards not only grief, but perhaps death and dying as well. 

Through my own encounter with grief, continuing bonds with deceased loved ones has allowed me to process my emotions surrounding death and better support others in my life who are grieving. The ideas of CB have made it possible for me to share the spirit of my deceased loved ones with the meaningful people of my life today. 

If you are someone who wants to remain bonded to your loved ones after death but maybe learned you shouldn’t, or that wanting to do so means you have failed at recovering from grief, my hope is that the knowledge of CB empowers you to continue creating rich connections with deceased loved ones that grow with you through time. 

For more information about Continuing Bonds and other grief-related topics, check out the following links:

https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-concept-care-continuing-bonds/

https://whatsyourgrief.com/

Two Sides to Couples Conflict

Therapy for Couples in Fort Worth, TX

As a therapist, I am aware of the many coping strategies, communication tools, and de-escalation tactics that I have at my disposal to help me through times of conflict with my partner.  However, I haven’t always known how to deal with relationship problems.  And even with all my training and my years of practicing these tools, I can easily fall prey to unconstructive old habits. 

During a particular disagreement with my husband, I knew very well just what to say to really annoy him.  Most of the time, I acknowledge and am aware of what hurtful, punch-to-the gut thing I can say to really get to him.  But I also understand I will probably not get the response I want so I refrain from saying that annoying thing. 

However, this time I plowed through and said “F-it, I’m going for it!”  My feelings got the best of me. 

Being the sweet husband he is, I watched as he took in a deep breath and instead of one-upping me, he responded with acknowledgment of my hurt.  After further discussing our issue, I confessed to him that I was fully aware of my intent to hurt him back. I apologized.

How did I get away with this bad behavior?  John Gottman, couples researcher and clinician, proposes a 5:1 ratio is key in maintaining homeostasis in a relationship.  For every one negative interaction, we need five positive interactions to keep us feeling balanced in a relationship.  More often than not, we need to be good to each other.  This allowed me to have my moment, not a fabulous moment, but nonetheless, a human one.    

The other thing I did was acknowledge my behavior and apologize shortly after I was able to cool down.  Making repairs is so important!  And even though I was the hurt partner, I still played a role in how our conflict would emerge and come to a resolution.  He made his repair and so did I. 

You can protect your relationship by making sure you’re engaging with your partner in positive ways most of the time. We can never get away from conflict altogether, but we can make decisions to be more cognizant in the ways we contribute to conflict and being proactive to maintain a trusting and loving relationship.

Our Therapists in Fort Worth can help. Book today!

Self Harm Among Teens and Young Adults

Understanding Self-harm | Therapy in Fort Worth, TX

Non-suicidal self-injury or self-harm has been around for a long time. “Cutting” was a term commonly used before. This term is no longer used as self-harm and is not just about cutting yourself. The topic is incorporated into books, tv shows, movies and songs (I’m sure). A search on Google or social media can bring up a variety of information on this topic. There is information out there on how to engage in a variety of methods, support for individuals and families, dangers of the behavior and treatment options. This post is going to define non-suicidal self-injury, common misconceptions, and treatment options.

According to the International Society for the Study of Self Injury (ISSS), non-suicidal self-injury (aka self-injury) is the “deliberate destruction of body tissue without suicidal intent and for purposes not socially sanctioned.”  Socially sanctioned refers to piercing or tattoos.

Examples of self- harm include:  intentional carving of words or symbols, cutting the skin, burning, friction burning, hitting or biting self, pulling out hair, headbanging, multiple tattoos or piercings, embedding objects into the skin, or breaking bones.

Working with individuals who engage in self-harm and having to inform parents or caregivers about self-harm has confirmed some common misconceptions about self-harm. From my own practice and research, here are some of the most common misconceptions:

  • Only adolescent females engage in NSSI. FALSE: Females and males engage in self-harm. Methods may vary. While it is often considered an “adolescent issue,” it can start in childhood or adulthood. While it may start in adolescence, it does continue into adulthood.

  • Only people diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder engage in self-harm. FALSE: People who have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder may self-harm. Many individuals who do not meet criteria for this diagnosis also engage in self-harm.

  • A person has been abused. FALSE: Just like the personality disorder myth, individuals who self-harm may or may not have been abused.

  • There’s no help available. FALSE: There is help available. Books, trainings, support groups for individuals and caregivers and individual therapy. There are trainings for individuals, families and professionals.

  • It is a failed suicide attempt. FALSE: This is a common misconception. Many of the clients I have worked with have no intention to commit suicide. Medical attention may be needed if in cases of NSSI. 

  • A person is seeking attention. FALSE: I have heard this from caregivers/parents when they learn their adolescent is engaging in self harm behaviors. The way I talk to parents about it is the adolescent is crying out for help. Treatment is about replacing this unhealthy coping skill with a healthy coping skill.

  • A person could stop if they wanted to. FALSE: As with any behavior associated with mental health, treatment is recommended for many individuals who self-harm.

Help is available. Individual or group therapy is recommended. Family therapy is also recommended. Involving parents or caregivers in treatment is recommended.

Involving caregivers in treatment is key. Parents may feel shocked, confused, sad, isolated or guilty. Parents may experience secondary stress as NSSI is often not visible, can be chronic and, as mentioned above, parents may feel isolated as they fear how others will react. Just like with any mental health issue, educating parents and families about NSSI is key. Having parents involved in treatment is important too especially around communication. Finding support for parents helps too.

Here are some resources: