Emotional Attunement

Couples Therapy in Fort Worth | What is emotional attunement?

Emotional attunement is the ability to know your partner on a deep emotional level, and a vital ingredient for successful relationships. It is being able to hear, see, feel, interpret, and respond to your partner, using both verbal and non-verbal communication.

Emotional attunement is often most noticeable when absent in relationships. It hurts when you take a risk to be vulnerable with your partner and are not met at the place of intimacy you had hoped for. This often leaves couples feeling misunderstood and disconnected. Genuine efforts to be recognized by your partner can start to feel hopeless. Eventually, you may even learn to stop expecting empathy and support from your partner altogether.

The lack of emotional attunement is felt profoundly when couples argue. One person wants an issue or feeling to be acknowledged, while the other person feels blamed, often ensuing in defensiveness. At this point, you both fall out of sync with each other and miss the necessary cues to remain connected during times of conflict—pushing you and your partner even further apart from each other.

How emotional attunement can help your relationship

Emotional attunement allows you to better understand your partner through body language and by assessing what is happening around them. Being able to tune into each other in this way lets you know how and when to engage with your partner. Practicing attunement supports you and your partner’s ability to anticipate each other’s needs, promoting a sense of trust, intimacy, and safety.

These skills are the foundation for which effective communication, conflict management, and intimate connection all grow. Without this foundation, many learned communication skills will fall short of success. Being emotionally attuned in your relationship fosters understanding and feelings of being known by your partner.

Practicing emotional attunement

Understand yourself. Before you can attune to others, you must first attune to yourself. This means reflecting on your own thoughts, feelings, and emotional needs. What are your triggers, and why are they triggering? How do your past experiences influence your expectations, hopes, and fears for the future? What do these things look like in terms of your relationship with your partner? Gaining insight through self-reflection not only allows you to understand your own needs, but also helps you communicate your needs to your partner.

Get curious. Attuned couples are intimately familiar with one another’s worlds—the important things about your life and the experiences that have shaped you today. Couples who are emotionally attuned make space in their minds for their relationship and remember the major events in each other’s histories. Emotionally attuned couples know each other’s aspirations in life, fears, and dreams.

Update your knowledge. Attuned couples also continue to update their information about each other as their partner’s feelings and thoughts change over time. Many people think they know everything there is to know about their partner, especially if you have been with your partner for quite some time. Early relationships are filled with novelty, curiosity, and excitement to better know the person sitting in front of you. Over time, it’s easy to make the mistake of thinking your partner has nothing new to share—that the novelty is gone. This assumption is only true if people never change! Yet, people are continuously changing through experience, reflection, and interactions. Even the person you think you know so well is still somewhat a mystery.

Try answering some of these questions about your partner and see how well you know your partner’s internal world.

• Name one of your partner’s current hobbies.

• What is your partner currently most stressed about?

• What is your partner’s biggest fear?

• How does your partner like to be comforted and soothed?

• What is your partner’s ideal job?

• Who was your partner’s childhood best friend?

• What turns your partner on sexually?

• What was your partner’s worst childhood experience?

Going over these questions together can help you both develop more details for each other’s internal worlds. However, getting to know each other intimately is an ongoing process. Your knowledge about your partner should be updated regularly by spending time together catching up on what has been happening in each other’s day-to-day.

Couples who share detailed understandings of each other are often better prepared to navigate stress and conflict. When you and your partner are aware of each other’s feelings, thoughts, and motivations, you are both less likely to be thrown off by the changes of life. The more you know about each other, the stronger your connection will feel, which better prepares your relationship to handle future challenges.

If you are interested in exploring emotional attunement in your relationship further, you can schedule a free consultation with me through the link below or via email at amy@reconnectingrelationships.com

Interested in understanding your partner better? Relationship Therapy in Fort Worth can help.

Schedule with Amy

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Understanding Grief with Continuing Bonds

Processing Grief Through Therapy | Grief Therapy in Fort Worth, Texas

The death of a loved one is something we all eventually endure, and it will likely be one of the most difficult experiences of life. If you’ve lost a meaningful person in your lifetime, you’ve probably noticed the language used to talk about grief and mourning is focused on “saying goodbye,” or “moving on.” Conversations surrounding grief, bereavement, and mourning often speak to the Stages of Grief, the types of grief, and endless grief recovery resources. Although this information may be helpful to some, it doesn’t always recognize grief and mourning as an ongoing process in our lives. To clarify, I don’t say this to mean the pain we feel does not change over time. In fact, in my own experience, the pain felt after loss ebbs and flows with me through my many transitions. 

Experiencing Grief Through Continuing Bonds

Continuing bonds (CB) is a grief concept that embraces a continued relationship with the deceased in an adapted way. CB acknowledges the ongoing process of grief throughout life and establishes clarity in the many ways we experience grief. 

[Note: Continuing a relationship with deceased loved ones may not feel right for everyone, and that is also perfectly fine! There are also some cases where continuing bonds with the deceased does not move towards healing. Troublesome relationships before death may continue to be difficult following death.]

CB proposes our relationships with our deceased loved ones are not fixed, instead, they frequently develop and age with us through our many seasons of life. We will likely relate to our deceased loved ones differently in our 30s, 40s, and 50s. 

If you have experienced the death of a loved one, you have probably already engaged in at least some ways of continuing bonds! Many grieving people will perform private rituals, have conversations with the deceased, or hold onto personal items of their loved ones. These are just some of the ways we continue bonds with our loved ones. 

Unfortunately, many of these behaviors have been deemed pathological, suggesting something must be wrong with the grieving person. Because of this, grieving people may doubt their behaviors, or the grieving behaviors of others, and question if they are “normal.” Many grieving people may even further disconnect from support due to fear of judgment, or the thought that they are “failing” at grieving. If this feels familiar, you may be happy to hear these behaviors are not only common, but they also seem to promote a person’s ability to cope with loss and adjust to significant changes in life. 

Continuing Bonds for the Future

The idea of CB may not be universally valued among our society’s attitudes towards grief. It may not even be accepted in our own beliefs about death and grief. Yet, there is hope! Sharing the ideas of CB with others gives us opportunity to alter our interactions and understandings towards not only grief, but perhaps death and dying as well. 

Through my own encounter with grief, continuing bonds with deceased loved ones has allowed me to process my emotions surrounding death and better support others in my life who are grieving. The ideas of CB have made it possible for me to share the spirit of my deceased loved ones with the meaningful people of my life today. 

If you are someone who wants to remain bonded to your loved ones after death but maybe learned you shouldn’t, or that wanting to do so means you have failed at recovering from grief, my hope is that the knowledge of CB empowers you to continue creating rich connections with deceased loved ones that grow with you through time. 

For more information about Continuing Bonds and other grief-related topics, check out the following links:

https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-concept-care-continuing-bonds/

https://whatsyourgrief.com/

Two Sides to Couples Conflict

Therapy for Couples in Fort Worth, TX

As a therapist, I am aware of the many coping strategies, communication tools, and de-escalation tactics that I have at my disposal to help me through times of conflict with my partner.  However, I haven’t always known how to deal with relationship problems.  And even with all my training and my years of practicing these tools, I can easily fall prey to unconstructive old habits. 

During a particular disagreement with my husband, I knew very well just what to say to really annoy him.  Most of the time, I acknowledge and am aware of what hurtful, punch-to-the gut thing I can say to really get to him.  But I also understand I will probably not get the response I want so I refrain from saying that annoying thing. 

However, this time I plowed through and said “F-it, I’m going for it!”  My feelings got the best of me. 

Being the sweet husband he is, I watched as he took in a deep breath and instead of one-upping me, he responded with acknowledgment of my hurt.  After further discussing our issue, I confessed to him that I was fully aware of my intent to hurt him back. I apologized.

How did I get away with this bad behavior?  John Gottman, couples researcher and clinician, proposes a 5:1 ratio is key in maintaining homeostasis in a relationship.  For every one negative interaction, we need five positive interactions to keep us feeling balanced in a relationship.  More often than not, we need to be good to each other.  This allowed me to have my moment, not a fabulous moment, but nonetheless, a human one.    

The other thing I did was acknowledge my behavior and apologize shortly after I was able to cool down.  Making repairs is so important!  And even though I was the hurt partner, I still played a role in how our conflict would emerge and come to a resolution.  He made his repair and so did I. 

You can protect your relationship by making sure you’re engaging with your partner in positive ways most of the time. We can never get away from conflict altogether, but we can make decisions to be more cognizant in the ways we contribute to conflict and being proactive to maintain a trusting and loving relationship.

Our Therapists in Fort Worth can help. Book today!

Mediation for Single Parents

Family Therapy in Fort Worth | Mediation for Single Parents

There are 13.6 million single parents raising 21 million children in the U.S. The 2010 census reported that 40.7% of new births in the U.S. were to unmarried women. Mediation can be a valuable tool for unmarried parents to establish effective co-parentings agreements. Issues that remain unsettled add to the disharmony, strife, and resentment of these parents and set a tone that leads the children toward emotional damage. What are some of the co-parenting pitfalls that can overcome in mediation?

1. When is each parent going to have possession of the child?

2. Who is responsible for transporting the child between parents’ homes?

3. What outside care-takers are acceptable to both parents? Who’s to pay?

4. Who is to provide health, dental, and vision insurance for the child?

5. How about the co-pays, deductibles and non-covered items?

6. Will there be a parent designated as primary custodian (parent A)?

7. How about child support? Who pays and how much?

8. Should alcohol and recreational drugs be prohibited during possession of the child?

9. What limitations can be agreed to regarding exposing the child to new romantic interests?

10. Who is to decide and who is to pay for summer camps and other extracurricular activities?

All of these obstacles and more can be addressed and resolved in a written settlement agreement negotiated with the help of an experienced family mediator.

Jerrell “Jerry” Cosby is one of the most experienced mediators in in the field. He is Owner and Divorce Mediator at Texas Mediation Group in Fort Worth, Texas. Jerry began mediating family related cases in 1999. He has mediated hundreds of divorce cases. In 2020 he was named “Tops in Tarrant” by the readers of Society Life Magazine.

9500 Ray White Rd.
Fort Worth, Texas 76244
817-300-6666
Jerry@TexasMediationGroup.com
www.texasmediationgroup.com

The Meaning of Valentine's Day

Couples Therapy in Fort Worth

Valentine’s Day has evolved over the years for me.  What it meant in the beginning has changed over the course of being married to my husband twenty-two plus years and raising two daughters together.  In the early years, there were nice, romantic candlelit dinners, sometimes just the two of us and sometimes double dates with friends.  These were the years when we could be carefree and spontaneous. 

Then kids happened! 

One particular Valentine’s Day comes to mind as I reflect over the number of dates I’ve shared with my husband. My mother-in-law had to cancel last minute due to coming down with a cold and so she was unable to watch our two sweet little angels while we went out for dinner.  I was so sad to have to cancel our plans.  I was a stay-at-home mom at the time so I craved social outings and adult conversations.  My husband sensed this was important to me and encouraged us to keep our plans.  Let’s just bring the kids with us!  Great idea!  They were about 2 and 5.  Have you tried going out to a nice restaurant with young kids?  Well, we had not. 

So, the evening went pretty much how you could presume with two young kids.  We were seated at a lovely, white-linen adorned table in the middle of the restaurant.  Just the perfect spot for everyone to take in our children’s glorious tantrums.  Our girls lasted maybe 10 minutes before they made the place their own playground.  Our attempts to wrangle them back into their seats only escalated the situation from total excitement to total meltdown.   

Needless to say, we rushed through our meals, feeling stressed and embarrassed, and exited as quickly as we could.  The night felt like a complete failure. 

Of course it wasn’t a failure but simply a learning experience. I learned something about that night.  I realized I had the expectation that Valentine’s Day was to be celebrated the same way it had always been celebrated. And when it didn’t work out, I was met with disappointment.  I had to adjust to my life as it was changing and accept that for the time being the way I knew to spend this day was going to be different.  And so we learned to be more creative in celebrating any special holiday. 

What this holiday means to me now extends from the typical spotlight on my partner. Our Valentine’s Day celebrations have become more family oriented over the years and most often include our daughters.  And thank goodness their table manners have improved! Valentine’s Day does not have to be about fancy dinners and spending it solely with your partner.  It can include other activities with people you find to be valuable in your life - your best friend, a sibling, parent, or your kids . The real meaning of Valentines should be about acknowledging and appreciating all the special people in your life.  

Happy Valentine’s to y’all! 

Get Valentine’s Day back on track with Couples Therapy in Fort Worth, TX

Different Ways to Experience Love on Valentine's Day

Some of you may be thrilled when Valentine’s Day comes around and some of you dread it! This year we want to expand on the idea that love on Valentines day is more than just for lovers. With this post you'll have ideas on how to experience meaningful and authentic love with those important in your life! 

1. Long-time lovers! When you've been with someone for a long period of time, it's natural to fall into the same routine on Valentine's Day. Dinner. Card. Flowers. That's nice and all, but try challenging yourself to be creative and think outside of the box. Date your partner like you did in the early years when you were trying to experience new things together! Show them you can be just as romantic now as you were back then! Plan a picnic, share a bubble bath, or make a homemade gift. The gesture of receiving a homemade gift can be a memory making experience that both partners can benefit from.

2. Siblings. Not the people we usually think of when trying to express love during Valentine’s Day. Which is why we chose to include it on this list. It’s so easy to take your siblings for granted, as most siblings can be so different. Instead of focusing on the differences, build off from your similarities or moments of laughter you both can share. Create new traditions or inside jokes with each other that express love.

3. Coworkers. Let’s face it, we tend to spend a lot of our time at work with co-workers. This love can be centered on your appreciation or gratitude for their contribution to your work environment. You can express your gratitude for them by baking some homemade treats or small note of gratitude for their help in making your days at work easier.

4. Parent/child. One of the most influential relationships we can have is with our parents. Parents can use their influence by teaching their children ways to express love. If you're a parent, then you know that the best way to teach will be through your example. From Valentine’s candy, treats ,flowers, a special dinner together, or words of appreciation, experience different ways to express love! If you're the child in this meaningful relationship, set aside time to connect and strengthen your connection with your parents. Express aspects you appreciate about them or remind them about the lessons you've gained from receiving their love.

5. The In-laws! If it wasn't for you're in-laws, your significant other wouldn't be here. In-laws are an extension of your spouse and have played a huge role in helping your partner develop into the person you have come to love. In-laws can be a wonderful resource to your marriage. Nurture this relationship much so like the one with your own parents. Spend time together. Stay connected. Express your love to them too. If you have a hard time connecting with your in-laws, then take a moment to brag about your spouse to them- what parent doesn’t love hearing the positive qualities in their son or daughter!

6. Friends! If you don’t have a romantic partner to spend the day with, grab a friend (or a few!) This one has become a popular one around Valentines day. “Galentines” has become one of my favorite traditions around this holiday. Our favorite idea with friends would be to treat yourself to a night out, you may find that time together with friends will be more rewarding than spending it alone or putting pressure on yourself for not "having a relationship."

This post was inspired by the direct translation of ~ “Dia Del Amor y La Amistad” which means Day of Love and Friendship. How beautiful it would be if we could all use this day to celebrate the love we have in our lives and cherish our relationship. We hope that this new meaning to Valentine’s Day, if you don’t already have it, will encourage you to express the love and gratitude you have for those special in your life. 

Marriage is Hard Work

As my wedding anniversary nears, I can remember one particular response I received when sharing the news that I was getting married.  A lady that worked in the same building as me asked, “Are you sure?” She dipped her head back and rolled her eyes regretfully as she described how marriage is a ball and chain.  I understood she meant no malice but instead was offering me portentous advice based on her own experiences.  Looking back, I’m glad I didn’t take her seriously, but it certainly opened my eyes to how some people feel about marriage. 

This November marks 22 years with my husband.  In being together this length of time, we have had our share of ups and downs.  And one thing I know for sure is marriage is hard work!  But when you hear that marriage is hard work, because I’m sure you’ve heard this pretty often, what comes to mind? And just how difficult should you expect it to be? 

Hard work means so many things.  It means not taking your relationship for granted.  It means attuning to your partner intentionally.  It means taking your partner into consideration when making big decisions and maybe even the small ones.  It means letting him or her know how much you care and appreciate them.  It means trying over and over to understand each other.

Putting in the effort to your marriage can be so rewarding.  The best way I can describe it is like getting through a tough physical workout.  At first it feels a little daunting, then you’re right in the middle of it all and gaining momentum, and when it’s over you feel proud for getting to the other side of it.  Maybe you hurt a little but you know that you’ll be stronger because of it.  So essentially what I’m saying is the kind of hard work you put into a relationship should make you feel good. 

Each partner has to be an active participant in the marriage.  I read somewhere that in successful relationships a partner must be willing to put in 100% without the expectation to receive something back.  Sound crazy?  Just think about it.  No tit for tat.  No more he said, she said.  No need to keep count. Each of you share the responsibility for the relationship fairly.  But 50/50 is no such thing!  It’s all in!

Ready to give it a real shot? Call your local therapist today!

Back to School: Talking to Your Teen Student During Coronavirus

I can hardly believe it is August!  And while school is just around the corner, this year proves to be one full of uncertainty.  I have a teen attending a Fort Worth ISD school and another returning for her second year to a Texas university. Over the last few months, their schools have continued to send them updates on plans and ideas for the new school year, but it is apparent that anything can change suddenly.  And, this in itself can create anxiety and stress for both parent and student. 

As a Fort Worth mom, I understand my daughters each face some challenges with returning to school. Each will have to figure out ways to adjust with the ongoing changes the schools are likely to make as the academic year commences.  Some kids will be attending classes online while others return to an in-class setting.  And then there are some students who will be juggling both types of schooling.  Many schools are communicating a need to change course of action if COVID-19 becomes more problematic and are making parents and students aware of the possible interruptions to learning. 

So as a parent what can you do to help your student through the academic year? 

A lot can be offered by listening to your teen and sharing dialogue that feels collaborative and mutual.  Here are some helpful topics to cover before and throughout the school year. 

Talk openly about anxious feelings.  Express to your teen that it is okay to feel anxious and concerned, however assess your own feelings so that your kid does not take them on as his or her own.  As you share your own worries do allow your teen to ask questions and provide feedback.

Discuss expectations.  Ask your student what he or she might expect from their upcoming school year.  Your teen might have expectations about their online or in-class experience. Inquire how your teen might feel if those expectations do not play out. 

Offer support and understanding.  Validate your teen’s experience.  As parents we may have our own worries about the school year but our perspective can differ from the student.  While academics are certainly being affected, your teen might express more concern for the lack of social activity which is highly important at this age and should not be disregarded. 

Explore coping strategies.  Remind your teen of helpful ways to cope with stress and anxiety.  What has he or she practiced in the past that has been useful in getting through tough times?  Encourage your student to get plenty of rest, exercise, and maintain a healthy diet. 

Discuss appropriate safety measures.  Over the past few months, you and your family have probably learned some ways to stay safe by wearing masks, washing hands often, applying hand sanitizer when in public areas, etc.  Talk with your kids about how to translate those habits into the school environment if they are planning to attend classes or head back to college campus.     

Consider a backup plan. Prepare for the likelihood of a quarantine or shelter in place.  Discuss with your student how this event might alter plans and expectations. Talking ahead of time about how to make the transition can lessen anxiety and offer some stability and structure.

It’s important to acknowledge that our students are facing unique challenges during this time.  It’s okay that we don’t always have the answers.  Our teens don’t necessarily need us to have the answers.  What they need is for us to listen and offer support as we all work to getting on steadier ground.  Stay safe everyone!

Couples Communication: The Antidotes to The Four Horsemen

As promised, I am here to share the Antidotes to John Gottman’s Four Horsemen!  My colleague, Zully Schultz, mentioned last month in her article Couples Communication: The Four Horsemen , “…it’s normal and common for these interactions to exist within a relationship…” and “Nevertheless, those couples who thrive in marriage are the ones who practice the Antidotes most often.” 

Miscommunication can lead to conflict within a relationship which is extremely normal and practically unavoidable.  Conflict can even, at times, promote growth and understanding between couples.  To effectively manage conflict, the couple must first identify the Four Horsemen that is occurring in their communication, then they must counteract with the antidote. 

The Four Horsemen/The Antidote

Criticism/Gentle Start-Up

As Zully stated in her article, couples need to differentiate between a criticism vs a compliant.  As the criticism attacks the person, the complaint addresses the specific behavior.  “I” statements are the best way to initiate a gentle start-up.  An “I” statement should refrain from having the word “you” as that can put the partner in a one-down position.  Instead, you should express your feelings while focusing on the specific behavior.  For example, “I feel unheard when promises are not fulfilled.  I would really appreciate more follow through.”  This can help generate more empathy from the partner.

Defensiveness/Taking Responsibility

This antidote is the result of two of The Four Horsemen.  Defensiveness is typically a direct result of criticism.  When one becomes defensive, they redirect the finger they feel is pointing at them by turning it back around onto their partner.  This can then become an unhealthy cycle of defensiveness and criticism unless someone initiates change by taking responsibility for at least some of the problem. 

Contempt/Build Culture of Appreciation

Contempt brings nothing good to a relationship and should be avoided at all costs.  The antidote to contempt is to build a culture of appreciation and respect towards each other, as well as the relationship.  As a couple’s therapist, I strongly encourage all of my couples to have a nightly check-in with one another where they take 10-15 minutes a night to express things that they love and appreciate about their partner and how their partner was able to fill their love tank that day.  John Gottman also has a 5:1 ratio where there should be at least 5 positive interactions for every one negative interaction.

Stonewalling/Physiological Self-Soothing

Have you ever been in an argument with your partner and the emotions you are feeling are so overwhelming that you can no longer say or do anything?  Do you ever find your heart rate increasing during those arguments?  Timeouts are a great way to promote self-soothing while in the middle of an argument.  The timeout should last a minimum of twenty minutes as that is how long it takes our bodies to physically calm down.  During these timeouts it does not matter really what you are doing, as long as you are not focusing on the argument and what was said or what you should have replied with.  Once calm, return to the discussion in order to find the needed resolutions while focusing on implementing the other antidotes.

To truly have a happy and healthy relationship each partner needs to be committed to paying attention to the horsemen that may be creeping into their relationship and kick them out with these proven antidotes.  If you and your partner find yourselves struggling to implement these tools into your daily lives, feel free to contact us!

Couples Communication: The Four Horsemen

John Gottman, relationship guru and researcher, can predict with an astonishingly 91% accuracy rate if a marriage is headed toward divorce.  This was a surprising detail to learn in my couples training and it certainly influenced how I work with couples in counseling today. This man did 30 years of research to create and form the Gottman Method which is highly respected in the world of couples therapy. 

Today I will share one of the ways he predicts divorce using The Four Horsemen.  The Four Horsemen depict the communication styles that can be hurtful in a relationship if used too often.  I think it’s important to first understand if these types of interactions are coming into play in your relationship by being able to identify them.  Acknowledging and labeling a behavior for what it is can open your eyes to how it plays a role in the way you and your partner engage with each other. 

But don’t worry!  With each negative behavior that takes place in a relationship, there exists an Antidote to counter each Horseman.  Make sure to check back next month when our very own, Jenifer Costigan, will elaborate on those Antidotes! 

The Four Horsemen

Criticism

A partner often has the intention to bring a complaint to light but sometimes it comes out sounding hurtful or harsh.  It is good to differentiate between a criticism and a complaint.  A criticism is stating a problem but including an attack on a partner’s character trait.  So, it can sound something like, “I really wish you would use your brain before making plans with your friends.  You always do this!  I thought we were going to hang out.”  A complaint is more like, “I’m sad and disappointed that you made plans without me.  I really wish you would have checked with me first.” 

Defensiveness

This reaction is typically in response to criticism.  When someone feels attacked or criticized, they tend to want to protect themselves by providing reasons for why they said or did something.  However, this strategy often comes across as making excuses or deflecting from responsibility.  For instance, if a partner inquires about a chore left undone and the other partner responds with “Well you never do your chores when you say you will” or “I had more important things to do and if you want it done why don’t you do it yourself” those would be defensive statements.  Defensive remarks can often seem like the blame is shifted to the other partner. 

Contempt

This one is probably the most harmful of all.  Individuals who tend to express contempt to a partner have real negative thoughts and feelings about their partner.  Their verbal or nonverbal expressions communicate “I don’t like you very much, in fact, I despise you.”  Contempt is relayed through acts of sarcasm, ridiculing, mocking, and belittling.  Any action or verbal communication that displays disgust or position of superiority to a partner is considered contempt.  If partners are engaging in name calling and insult slinging, it’s a slippery slope toward a breakup or divorce. 

Stonewalling 

This behavior happens more often when a partner is feeling overwhelmed or hopeless in their relationship.  It is often seen in conjunction with criticism, defensiveness, and contempt.  An individual “checks out” as a way to disconnect from the stress of an argument.  Whether it is the intent or not, when a partner stonewalls it communicates lack of engagement or care for their partners position.  While an individual might perceive stonewalling to serve as a protective factor during conflict, it can slowly deteriorate trust and connection in a marriage. 

As a couple’s therapist, I see these styles of communication come into play between partners quite often.  Honestly, it is normal and common for these interactions to exist within a relationship, but how often are they showing up in yours?  Gottman strongly encourages a 5:1 ratio; this meaning that more often than not, we are choosing to engage with our partners in positive ways.

Nevertheless, those couples who thrive in marriage are the ones who practice the Antidotes most often.  The Antidotes are the true protective factors in a healthy relationship. So, tune back next month to learn about each Antidote so you can begin to focus on using those in your relationship!  And in the mean time, you can continue to reach out to us if you need couples counseling in the DFW area.